Hello. Many of you know me as Jonathan Kesselman, uber-successful, high-end urbane urban sophisticate. As amazing and successful as I am, I have found it virtually impossible to find that certain "special someone." As a human being who is better than most people, I've also found it exceedingly difficult to find an online dating service that caters to my needs. Recently, however, I discovered Samantha's Table

Finally! Finally!!!

I am now in the process of putting the finishing touches on my introductory electronic mailing (to you, this form of communication is more commonly known as "e-mail") to Ms. Samantha Daniels herself, and I figured what better place than an Alt/Goth Pornographic website like Suicide Girls to get some feedback on my letter before I sent it off.

Although most of you plebes ARE NOT uber-successful sophisticates that are driven, success-oriented, extensively-traveled, diners-at-the-finest-restaurants/theatre attendees who admire and acquire art, AND who patronize many of the most worthy and visible charities in your city...I will allow you to provide me with advice. Why, you ask? Because I, Jonathan Kesselman, am a man of the people. And you people are�well, people. So, without further ado, here is my electronic mailing to Samantha.

From: ubersuccess@specialness.com

To: mytable42@earthlink.net

Subject: Regards

Samantha_

My nom de plume is Jonathan Kesselman, and I am a sophisticate and an ultra-successful filmmaker by trade. Please "Google" me, and you will find that I am very special. I, in fact, "Google" myself quite frequently, and find it quite fulfilling. Perhaps I am getting ahead of myself, as this would be something that should appear in my "Interests" section.

Anyway, as you can imagine, as an ultra-successful bi-coastal filmmaker, my incredibly demanding work schedule has made it increasingly difficult to find that "special someone." I know she is out there, but I am just too busy to find her myself. In fact, I travel to London quite frequently. I wonder if this qualifies me as Tri-Coastal?

That was a joke. As you can see, I am also very witty, and often make pithy comments like the one you just read when I am in social situations. But enough about me�let me tell you about myself:

As I have already mentioned, I am very successful, and work in the incredibly exciting and fulfilling motion picture Industry. I am five feet eight, but I do not feel five eight on the inside. I liken myself more to a man of six feet four inches, so you should probably enter that statistic into your database instead.

My yearly income is quite substantial, and upon consulting with both my accountant and business manager, I was advised to not disclose this information via an electronic mailing. However, let's just say I made around forty three million nine hundred and twelve thousand dollars and sixty three cents last year. Net.

Aside from dining at the finest restaurants, attending the theatre (first-run well-reviewed Broadway productions only, of course) collecting art, and traveling extensively for pleasure, I am also am very charitable. As an FYI -- my favorite charities include: Jerry's Kids, The Chabad-A-Thon, The Democratic Party, and my Tax Shelter.

Where was I? Oh, yes. Me. I like to keep fit and active. Often, you'll find me at the Crunch Gymnasium at Five AM riding the Elliptical and reading the Wall Street Journal and Daily Variety simultaneously. I also like to play water polo, but only in theory, as I am allergic to chlorine.

After a long day at work, I enjoy spending time at the Men's Club where I often go to smoke cigars and drink scotch with other wealthy sophisticates. We (the wealthy sophisticates, that is) discuss many things, so I guess you can also include "conversationalist" as one of my skill sets.

There is a famous saying: "No Man Is An Island." While this might be true for most men, I am, in fact Hawaii. If you do not know much about Geography, Hawaii is the big island in the state of Hawaii. I also happen to own a few Islands of my own, and often travel in my discreet 777 to these aforementioned Islands whenever I need some R and R. This, of course, is just some extraneous background information, but perhaps it might be helpful for you in your upcoming search?

However, enough about me; I could go on and on. Rather, let me tell you what I am looking for in a Life Mate... a three hundred page addendum that I am attaching to this electronic mailing, will give you more insight into me. Please read it carefully. There's some really fascinating stuff there!

My Life Mate should be first and foremost Beautiful. I used a capital 'B,' because I do not mean "cute." I am not a fan of "cute." As someone who is an admirer of the female form and an Aesthete in general, my partner must posses bodily dimensions that are proportionate to those of the 2003 Princess Of The Vikings Barbie Doll. I am currently unaware as to what those dimensions would be on a life-sized woman, but as I will be paying you top dollar to find my Mate, I am sure you will be able to perform the necessary calculations. Also, if you could dress my woman in a life-sized version of the same Viking costume, that would be ideal.

Secondly, I would like my Life Mate to be intelligent. However, her intelligence must be ≤ to my intelligence. I'm not exactly sure what my I.Q. is, but I feel that the Intelligent Quotient is an outmoded measure of a Man's intellect anyway. Let's just say I went to an expensive Ivy League college and let's leave it at that. Perhaps, the woman you're looking for went to a State school? Arizona or Colorado State, maybe? I'll leave that to your expertise in these matters. The important thing is that she not only look good on my arm, but can handle herself admirably in social situations. As you can imagine, in my business, I often hobnob with the most powerful and interesting of celebrities. I don't like to name drop, but here are a few of the Celebrities I have spent time with in the past forty eight hours:

Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Paris (Hilton), Jude Law, Brad and Angelina (Pitt and Jolie, respectively), Brad and Angelina's children, Al Gore, Cher, Ashton and Demi, Rob Zombie, the little person from the Surreal Life whose name has escaped me�you know what? There are many, many more. I'll attach them along with the addendum.

Clearly, as you can see, my Mate must be knowledgeable in the Cinematic Arts, and it would probably be appropriate if she could memorize the Box Office statistics weekly. She can be trained to do this, I assume?

Now, for the awkward portion of the electronic introductory email: my sexual proclivities. This, mind you, is not awkward for me, and NOR should it be awkward for the woman you find for me. You see, my Mate must like having sex. A lot. Also, she must LOVE to fellate me on a whim, and "non-swallowers" need not apply. I think it might help for you to know that I am very much into Mind Control Erotica, and would prefer my Partner to be submissive. She must have no qualms about wearing a "Slave" necklace, and must address me as "Master" at all times when we are in private. Also, I like to be farted on. But only stinky farts. If she is a Vegan, again, she need not apply. That is, unless of course, Vegan women have stinkier farts that non-Vegans. This is probably something for you to put on your research to-do-list.

Anyway, that about sums it up for this introductory electronic mailing. Samantha, I look forward to sitting at your table and meeting you one on one! Until then, please skim over the materials I have sent you, and put your "thinking cap" on. Look out ladies, here I come!

Best,

JBK

____________________________________________________

Well my fans, that is the electronic mailing I have prepared for Ms. Samantha Daniels. Please leave any comments in the appropriate space below.

Best,

JBK

Jon_Kesselman would like to dedicate this to the amazing GL, and any other women out there who have been made to feel shitty at the well-manicured hands of vacuous cunts like Ms. Daniels.

Pilkington

USA

October 2005

MAR 22, 2007 12:30 PM

I think perhaps you meant asthete as opposed to aesthetic as you are not a philosophical movement in art.

stealingthesun

Savannah, GA

December 2006

MAR 22, 2007 12:41 PM

LoL
If you click on the link to the Samantha's Table website, there is dating advice.

6.) "Just because a guy is tall and gorgeous does not mean he has a large penis."

7.) "If you kiss a little ass, you can always get a second chance with someone if you really want it."

*dies laughing*