NEWS: Jonathan Kesselman’s Suicide Watch: Anna Nicole Smith Has Died…Again

CULTURE: Jonathan Kesselman’s Suicide Watch: Anna Nicole Smith Has Died…Again

From The Suicide Girls Newswire:

On February 9th, CNN, The New York Times, The Washington Post, US Weekly, The National Enquirer, and every other paper of record announced that she had been resurrected, only to die shortly after.



Amazingly enough, although she had already died and been resurrected once in the same week, on the 10th of February every major news outlet reported her second resurrection…



…and then her subsequent tragic death.



By the 14th, Anna Nicole's incredible pattern of death/resurrection/death/resurrection had changed the face of news as we know it. All other "minor" news stories, including: the Genocide in Darfur, The war in Iraq, Iran's nuclear aspirations, and Britney Spears' weight gain had been overshadowed by this never-seen-before paranormal phenomenon.



But who was this beacon of light; this Saint we call Anna Nicole Smith? Although her re-re-re-re-re-re-animation was just the latest and most remarkable chapter in an equally remarkable life, the "real" Anna Nicole led a noble existence of self-sacrifice and philanthropy.



Anna not only made it okay for "plus size" models to wear Guess Jeans, but she also married a really old billionaire just minutes prior to his death -- out of selflessness! Lastly, she provided us, the frightened and confused masses, solace through her quality reality television program on E! in which she advocated the combined heavy usage of the narcotic substances Percocet and Vicodin taken in tandem with rubbing alcohol. She also was the most vocal advocate of the color Pink, which until she came to us, was wildly mistreated and under-appreciated. Her achievements and righteousness will forever live on in our hearts. She was our Princess Diana.



Except bigger. And maybe slightly less intelligent.



Anna Nicole, we will never forget you!



Jon_Kesselman urges everyone to light a candle in the wind in honor of St. Anna Nicole Smith -- preferably before the rain sets in.

Thank fuck someone out here is talking sense!!!
Amen to the above.

In the great global family which is the human race, poor Anna Nichole was the low-life cousin everyone was too busy badmouthing to try to help.

This guy my friend knows was there when she was resurrected and he got the blanket they used on her and it has an imprint of her face on it....although I think it's from her makeup.

Wwwwwwh-h-h-hat's goin' on?!

(Edit) No wait.. I'm happy I've become so segregated from popular culture to not know what the hell is going on.

+1 to all that

so shes dead for real this time, right? someone should shoot her in the head just to make sure..

the majority of this article is just bashing, the rest is repetitive, like the subject. Twas a waste of my time to read. but definitely not a waste of my time to complain!

+1

I'm just glad that in a few months, this will all be forgotten and we can finally move on, and I won't ever have to hear about it, ever again...

Re-re-re-animated?

Someone's been busy.

but if he doesn't bash the dead women then it will be left to people without press credentials. if you can't make fun of religion, gays, terrorists, or racial stereotypes please leave us the subject matter of worthless people who are dead.

you're completely right! you can all make fun of religion again, and when bush's ego trip is over, we can joke about terrorists again too!


ps:
"You know how we get this guy to talk? Remember all of that duct tape we've been hoarding? Apply it to his back hair and rip it off." %u2014Jay Leno, on the capture of Khalid Shaikh Mohammed

Think we'll get another Elton John ballad soon?

Shes like Kenny from South Park, lOl.

Why is this person so special as to get all this press coverage? When some other famous person dies, you barely hear about it, you say "Thats too bad" and then you move the fuck on.

But she had such huge titties. How could she not have been special?

She was a train wreck, and just like a train wreck, people can't help but look. Morbid curiosity.

For real. She's no, say, James Brown. Call me crazy...but...ah heck.

This is the curse of the twenty four hour news cycle.

Well, at least General Franco's still dead.

this is a good time to say that Type O Negative's upcoming album "Dead Again" will be released on 13 March.

Sadly, the only thing it has to do with Anna Nicole Smith (other than the notion of "Dead Again") is that the lead guy, Peter Steele, once did a Playgirl spread back in the 90s.

That's an awesome costume. That's Flux, isn't it?