NEWS: Needled News by Marisa DiMattia

CULTURE: Needled News by Marisa DiMattia

I’m a tattoo snob. I’ve tried hard to be accepting of all works on skin, but I’ve given up. Resistance is futile.

You know what I’m talking about. You’re at the gym flexing your tattooed sleeves, admiring how they shine, glisten even, with sweat; then he approaches. The guy with no neck and the tattoo armband that doesn’t even go entirely around the arm because the inside just hurts too much. He stops in front of you to eye your work, and then gives you the knowing nod. The nod! As if you have some great common bond. An unspoken communiqué to all tattooed bench pressers that we are one.

But there is no Borg collective of body art. I’ve spent half my life researching history, interviewing experts, studying portfolios, attending conventions, and sexing artists to become tattoo cognoscenti. I will not be assimilated!

Instead, I will learn to embrace my inner snob. I will pass judgment from my computer screen over what needled skin qualifies as fine art and what is a spring-break mistake. Most importantly, I will engage in the all-time passion of self-important critics: I will create Dos and Don’ts Lists.

This week in tattoo news provided plenty of fodder for my first list.

Tattoo Do
Jim Carrey loves tattoo fetishists. The actor said he’ll be getting more tattoos because it makes women hot, especially his girlfriend Jenny McCarthy. While Jim already has a smallish tattoo, it was his heavy coverage of faux tattoos for the film Number 23 that got Jenni all aroused. He said, “It's amazing what a tattoo does for a girl. Girls love tattoos, man." For understanding the sexual appeal of body art, the Dumb & Dumber dude is a Do.


Screen cap of Carrey's faux tattoos from Number 23.


Tattoo Don’t
Fetishes can be taken too far, however. I’m a fan of head tattoos. Hell, I have one of my own. But needling your noggin for cheap press is a definite don’t. UK tattooer, Blane Dickinson, put out a call for a volunteer to get a free tattoo, but with a catch: he wanted to tattoo someone’s head with a full English breakfast. Nineteen-year old Dayne Gilbey stepped up to the plate. It took six hours to complete the bacon, eggs, sausages, beans and cutlery. He’ll have a lifetime to regret it.




Tattoo Do
Pink’s tattoo tribute to her dead dog is a Do. While I’ve criticized the singer in the past for body art blunders, I support her choice this time in marking the passing of a loved one on skin. For the bulldog, who drowned in her pool last month, she tattooed, “A time to weep. A time to mourn. Sleep in peace.” At least it’s better than the ubiquitous star on the wrists and ankles of It-girls.


Tattoo Don’t
Dogs, kids, moms. All Dos if you want to tattoo their names on your bod. But a lover’s name is just bad tattoo juju. In the news this week, the Chicago Courier News warns against sweatheart tattoos rightly proclaiming that most last longer than the relationship. Personally, I’ve seen too many requests for cover-ups of once eternal loves. One guy got his wife’s name for their ten-year anniversary. The same month she filed for divorce. Another tattooed his girlfriend’s name on his back as a birthday gift to her. Just two days later, he was back to cover it up as she freaked out and left him because of the gesture. The lesson here: Don’t fuck with the tattoo gods.


Tattoo Do
Tattoo agencies are wising up to using actual tattooers to design imagery appealing to us “edgy” folk. Scott Campbell explains why tattooers are a Do for the ad biz:

Tattoo Don’t
Outside professions seeking the expertise of tattoo artists is not all fun and profit. Unfortunately, too many are called upon to help the police identify the bodies of murder victims through the tattoos.


Tattoo Do
Tattoos on arty porn stars and boxers: Do, Do, Do!




Tattoo Don’t
Tattoos on fish: Just Don’t.




Marisa_DiMattia is a lawyer and editor of Needled.com, a blog on tattoo art and culture.

Who tattoos fish? Honestly? That's a might bit disturbing...

I'd also add in words in languages you don't speak(mostly japanese characters and such) and barbed wire...

Maybe I'm dumb and you've already done it and I just missed it, but I'd like to see a segment on old school sailor tattoos, and not just the Sailor Jerry stuff.

Really great article, by the way.

The old school idea is great. I definitely need to do more on that. I started with some nostalgia last week with a look at the "tattooed ladies" of the past and the first female tattooers in the West.

I'm open to other ideas as well!

Oh, and as for making fun of misinterpreted Kanji, Hanzismatter.com takes care of that for me.

Love the article, actually interesting and articulate. poor fishie...

i couldn't agree more...thanks for being a snob

jim carrey is the man...

Tattoo snobs kick ass! I really know what you're talking about. It's funny, in the tattoo group on here if you say something similar everyone wants to decapitate you. Maybe we shoud just start a tattoo snob group for the heavily tattooed only?

+1, although I am not heavily tattooed as we speak, I will be soon, and I also don't think any shit can be said about my tattoos.
*big grin*

Well, in this very rare case, I would not say that size matters.

Most of us didn't start getting tattooed with full sleeves and backpieces. I started small and worked my way up and still have a way to go for the body suit I want.

I'm snobby about the thought that goes into putting artwork on your body. A small work can be artful and beautiful, and a large backpiece can be a nasty lookin rash.

great dos and donts. so girls like tattoos......note to self get more tattoos!


my personal tattoo dont: dont get a random tattoo and tell me that it represents a person you lost.

now that sames mean but when someone gets a flower to represent there grandma when she doesnt have any association with flowers other than she liked them it just gets me mad. if your loved one was named rose....go ahead get a rose. if her name was sally and you get a snapdragon....you should be smacked in the head!

Fractal, I love you.

I think I could've written that whole comment myself!

Tat! tattiie! ugh!!!

And the grabbing thing! Worse than grabbing, I get positioned by people at convention when i dont stand the way they want me to when i graciously agree to a photo.

i'm bring a weapon to the Milan convention this weekend, I swear!

Indeed, and ugh. When I worked at a shop, customers would attempt to grab my arm for a "closer look"; they were actually offended when I jerked my arm away. (I was lucky that I could flee behind the counter.) Someone wiser than I pointed out, "You don't look with your fingers, dumbass."

When is it ever okay to touch a stranger? Doesn't alcohol have to be involved?

Yet another terribly fun article, Marisa.
Sooooo insightful.

Tats, tats, tats. *gah*

I clicked the link to "one of my own" hoping to see *your* noggin tattoo, only to get another shot of old-breakfast-top. What a mean trick. =P

To add, I much enjoyed Fractal's contribution.
My wife will rant with you all day long about being grabbed at by people who need to get hands-on to see more ink.
Gah. It's awful at conventions, when she runs the booth...
This is my *wife*, NOT A FUCKING SAMPLE TO TRY.

My personal biggest DON'T?
Don't stop the heavily tattooed guy in the grocery store to talk tattoos. Yes, I'm a tattoo artist. I'm here buying groceries. This is my nine year old daughter, she doesn't need this any more than I do. I AM NOT AT WORK. Please come to the shop and see me.
I've taken to shopping at 2 a.m. to cut down on the grocery tattoo consultations.
*rolls eyes*

Thanks for the great work you do with needled news!

My personal most hated-DON'T get a Maori tattoo if you aren't Maori.

kthx

Not to be argumentive, but I'm not sure I can let my own snobbery extend into this sort of discrimination.

Should we lock down cultural divides across the board, or shall we just give Maori tattoos a special niche for exemption?
It seems a little unfair to me.

The logical extension to this snobbery will be no asian tattoos for non asians, no native american art on non-natives, no polynesian, no celtic, no kanji, no.. wait a minute.. if we're sticking with these ethnic limitations, my income is about to plummet. Ack.

The expanse of planet earth and all of her cultures has been nearly obliterated since the day when Captain Cook imported tattoo into western europe. We have to accept that, or the beautiful array of "allowable" body art will become a terribly small margin of choices. The global melting pot of tattoo art is what it is. The art of tattoo in it's modern form is all encompassing, the gaps between many cultures and many eras have been permanently bridged. Modern electric tattooing allows collectors to embrace work from other times, other places, languages, religions...

Who are you to decide these limits on others that you imply?

You rock Marisa.
I'd seen your outrageously cool needled noggin before, I figured it was just a link with it's wires crossed.

I mentioned Maori tattoos specifically because I am from New Zealand, and also living in Australia I see heaps of it.

It actually offends most Maori people I know to see intricate tribal tattoos on non-Maoris, and I have to agree with them.

Especially since their tattoos often represent family lineage.

And yes, I do think Asian symbols on white people are stupid.

I refer you to the original line of my post...

It's my opinion. Not a statement of what will and should happen in the tattoo world by my decree.

whats wrong with the word inked?

what's strange, is that i've seen that breakfast-head tattoo before, in the Taschen "1000 Tattoos" book. that book has been around a while, i bet that's where the kid got the idea from. his tattoo looks more like a drawing, where the one in the book is more new school, bright as hell colors in the egg and plate. it's almost exactly the same design, though.

it was apparently originally done by dave lum in oregon.