Author's note: Soho Rep used to produce most of my plays. They were a daring company though by no means as cutting edge as, say, The Wooster Group. They wouldn't go anywhere near my stuff. "Too heady, not physical enough," Defoe would say. I famously (for those of us below 14th st., Ha!) won an Obie for the third in a six part series entitled "Look What They Did to my Teeth." I hide the award in my closet, not wanting to intimidate when I entertain.
Having just moved to Hollywood from New York I feel that it's time to make my foray into screenwriting. Though my background is firmly rooted in the (American) Theater, I intend to make movies that, while not eschewing a laugh now and again, serve to elevate. Tired of the high-concept gross-out fare that has been popular these last few years, I wish to study the seconds before and after the "extra daily" event. I seek to highlight silence's volume knob and by doing so explore the timorous boundaries between words. And, of course, playing a part in these very human dramas will be New York itself. My New York. Behold...
Your Heart Clicks in my Throat
A Short Film by Rob Corddry
Int. Crowded NY apartment. Night.
We pan over a very prestigious NY party taking place on the UPPER WEST SIDE. New Yorker types laugh politely at droll jokes. Michael Musto (playing himself) is there, standing by a couch à la Philip Seymour Hoffman in Capote. A group of intellectuals laugh uproariously after every sentence.
Musto
Jesus, I don't know...
(laugh)
Whose garbage has been picked up?
(laugh)
God, What time is it?
(laugh)
Let me speed dial Calvin Trillin.
(huge laugh)
She'll know...
(ridiculous laugh. He speaks into his phone)
Voice Dial. Call...My Best Friend?
(insane laughter)
Close up on a tony looking woman laughing way to hard. We close in on her huge mouth and...
Cut to:
Another corner of the same party. The laughing continues. Two rich, skinny, weather-beaten women, 50's, laugh, showing way too many teeth. They are very tan, athletic and trying to look ten years younger than they are.
Woman 1
I do! I train seven days a week. I bike Tuesday and Thursday, swim everyday and run until I can actually feel my uterus throb.
(laugh) Woman 2
I know. My daughter makes fun of my stride but I'm like, "Look up 'wind resistance' in the Britannica, you fucking asshole!"
(whispers)
She's fat....
Cut to:
Another corner of the party. Laughter is everywhere. TWO CHILDREN, a boy, 10, and a girl, 10 1/2, surreptitiously lick frosting off of a large CHOCOLATE CAKE. The girl has frosting on her nose. The boy points and laughs.
Cut to:
Another corner. Laughter is everywhere. Close in on two men (30's). They watch the children lick the frosting while laughing at the adorable scene. Their laughter trails off and they continue a previous conversation.
Martin
I hand-write all my own thank-you notes. Brian
That's the gig! That's part of the grind! Martin
Well, I know, but...not for long... Brian
With E-mail. Martin
Right.
A lull. They drink and look around.
Cut to:
The first corner of the party. Michael Musto is very drunk. He is now standing on the couch.
Musto
Jesus, who do I have to fuck to get laid around here?!
(laughter)
My chiropractor says I should be having more sex.
(laugh)
Someone crack my back!
(laugh)
Where's Frank Rich? She'll do it!
A very rich looking woman drinking a huge COSMO does a spit take. Pinkish vodka comes out her nose.
Cut to:
The two men from before. They are continuing the same conversation.
Martin
It's impersonal. Brian
It is. Martin
Anyway...give me a pen and a pad over anonymous E-mail any day... Brian
I concur. Martin
Um...can I ask you something? Brian
Oh, serious! I'm intrigued! Martin
Um...I'm not sure how to...forget it. Brian
No, what? Finally, some real conversation! Martin
Right!
(laugh)
Um. Ok, I'll just ask... Brian
Shoot!
Pause.
Martin
Are you a child molester?
Pause. Silence.
Brian
What? Martin
Nothing. I'm sorry. I'm kidding! Brian
Um... Martin
(looks at his watch)
I should be going. Brian
Wait. Martin
What? Brian
Um...are you serious?
Long beat.
Martin
No. Brian
Oh. OH! Funny...
Long pause. They stare at each other.
Martin
You ARE a child molester! Brian
Shhhhhhh. Martin
I knew it! Brian
How did you know? Martin
I didn't know! Just a feeling. A familiar glint in the eye, I guess. Brian
Wait. Are you saying...? Martin
Guilty! Brian
You're a child molester too? Martin
Guilty! Brian
You've been proven guilty? Martin
No! I meant "guilty" as in "You got me!". But, no, never caught. Brian
Oh. Martin
You? Brian
Oh yeah! Recidivist. Been to prison twice. Not treated well there as you can imagine.
(laughs) Martin
Rough huh? Brian
Well, we had our own wing. I love to read so I did a lot of that. Martin
Oh God, I love to read! Brian
I must have read The Magus three times. Martin
Fowles. That's a dense novel. Brian
Ahead of it's time. Martin
You ever... Brian
Get raped? Oh sure, all the time. I have to wear diapers now. Martin
No...um...I was going to say "see the movie?" Did you ever see the movie version of The Magus with Michael Caine? Brian
Oh. No...
An awkward pause
Martin
Well...
(clears his throat)
It's disappointing.
Brian looks at his watch. Martin coughs. After a long pause A PRETTY WOMAN, Diane (30's) approaches.
Diane
Brian, can I borrow you? Brian
(almost too eagerly)
Yes!
(to Martin)
Nice meeting you...um...I don't think I... Martin
Martin. Brian
Martin! Brian.
They shake hands. Close up on their very firm grip. Brian and Diane leave.
Martin
Have a great night.
Tight on Martin. He sips his drink. Cut to a long shot of the huge cake. The frosting is gone. As we close in on the cake we...
FADE OUT.
The End.
Rob Corddry is an actor. He lives in Los Angeles with his wife and daughter.
Rob_Corddry
NEWSWIRE
I'm lost
JAN 09, 2007 11:40 AM