NEWS: Jonathan Kesselman's Suicide Watch: 2 For 1!

CULTURE: Jonathan Kesselman's Suicide Watch: 2 For 1 Thursday!

Last week I was sick and couldn't post anything. I feel guilty, so for this weeks' Suicide Watch, I've decided to do a 2 for 1 Thursday! JK


ISN'T IT AWESOME.COM
Movie Review: “The Execution Of Saddam Hussein”
By Jim Stark

Hola, film geeks! It’s JIM STARK here with my review of the latest horror flick to come out of the Middle East!!! Now, y’all know that I’m a BIG fan of new wave torture horror. I’m a sucka’ for any movie that is about horny nubile teens in a van that breaks down who are then graphically mutilated by a disfigured sociopath with a brother who seems normal at first but then turns out to be just as evil as his disfigured brother!!! I love watching flicks where a drill bit makes its way ever-so-slowly towards some unsuspecting douche-bag wanker’s eyeball, or skull, or kneecap!!! So, you can imagine how psyched I was when I got word of this new flick that’s been bootlegged on the Internet last week str8 from Irak (sic?). It’s called, “THE EXECUTION OF SADDAM HUSSEIN,” and before you read further…

SPOILER ALERT AHEAD!!!

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Okay, this flick has been getting a crazy amount of buzz on the Interwebs, so I had to download it! The plot line is pretty simple—the way I love em’ in this kind of movie!! Seriously, I totally hate it when the filmmakers try to make you care about the victims and shit before they kill them off. Like, who even gives a rat's ass, right!? Just get on with the cryin’ and the dyin’!

Anyway, so this movie is about this one dude in a suit, and he has, like, this beard. And his hands are bound, and he’s led up some stairs and onto this pedestal. Below, there are some crazy foreign people who take pictures, but you can’t ever really see them. So, these two dudes in cool Leatherface/Michael Myers-type hoody things put this gnarly looking noose around his neck, and then the crazy foreign people start to scream crazy foreign stuff at him, and then they hang the dude!

Wait, I’m trying to remember more of the plot…

No, that’s pretty much it. A horror fan’s wet dream, right?

Well, fellow IIAC readers, I hate to slam art and stuff, but this movie blew chunks big-time! This flick makes ‘White Noise’ seem like the 'Sitizen Kayne' of horror!!!

First off, I’ll get into the technical stuff. The movie was shot on some sort of grainy digital video camera, most likely to add to the cinema-veritas “realism” of the story, but this choice totally backfired for the filmmaker!!! Half the time, you can’t even see what’s going on, and the cinematographer tries way too hard to use handheld action to scary things up and create “atmosphere”!!! And when I say tries too hard, I mean wayyyyyy too hard. Half the time, you can’t even see what the hell is happening. And get this! Right at the point when the dude in the suit gets dropped, the camera guy loses him! I mean it’s like a good three or four seconds before we even see the dude again…and he’s ALREADY DEAD!!!! Talk about killing the money shot! LOL! Two words of advice for the D.P. — Go Back To Film School, Dork!!!

Instead of talking about what was in the movie, I’ll briefly talk about what wasn’t.

1) There were no naked boobs! That’s right. You heard me. No boobs! In. A. Slasher. Flick. I say they should have hung the screenwriter instead of the dude in the suit! HA!

2) No crazy chase scenes with a knife, a gun, or a chainsaw. Whoever directed this movie needs some serious educating in the art of horror movies. I mean, I totally respected his choice to use one fluid master shot, and I thought the hanging thing was creative, but what ends up happening is that you totally miss the reaction shots of people crying and screaming in pain and stuff. Yawwwwwwwwwn.

Okay, now let’s get into the acting for a second. The main guy with the beard and the suit was a TOTAL STIFF! And, I’m talking about BEFORE he dies!!! He just kinda stands there all glum and proud-like! It was totally unrealistic and wooden acting. If that were a “real” person, he’d be crapping himself and begging for mercy. I don’t know where they found this guy, but next time they should check the CW network for available hunky actors!! I wonder if they have a version of the CW in Irak?

So, in a word: terrible movie. Save your money, and re-rent the remakes of THE AMYTVILLE HORROR or HOUSE OF WAX!

Until next time film geeks, goodnight and good luck!!!!!

JIM STARK out!!!

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WHOOPS!

On Monday, in NY, thousands of people complained of a strange odor throughout Manhattan. God, this is so embarrassing…

I decided it would be best if I came clean. I figure public hysteria is a lot worse than my own personal shame. I am publicly going to go on record and state that on Friday, I farted. And I am SORRY! It was me. I not only smelt it, but I also dealt it. Big time!

On Sunday, I took a train to Philly to watch the Eagles play the Giants…wow, what a game! However, at the Stadium, I drank a whole bunch of IPA ale, and ate pretzels, and pizza, and sausage, and french fries, and cotton candy, and peanuts, and pretzels, and sausage, and drank hot chocolate...Needless to say, I had me a case of stadium gut!

The train ride back was agony. I hate farting in public places, and I must have exacerbated the situation by not siphoning off some of that buildup on the way home. Well, on Monday morning I woke up, smiled in remembrance of that AWESOME game, looked outside at the rain streaking down my window, and as I adjusted my position in the bed, something must of come loose; because holy shit, did I fart! I farted like I have never farted before! I could swear that the walls shook. Outside, car alarms started going off, and dogs started barking! Pretty soon, people were outside sniffing the air strangely in panic, thinking they were in the middle of some kind of terror attack. I wanted to open my window and shout out “Hulooo! It was me! I’m the terror attack! Everything’s cool!”

I didn’t do that of course, because that would have been totally uncomfortable.

Later that day, when I got on the Internet, I saw that there were people all over the city talking about my super-fart.

Mr. Stewart, if you read this blog, I’m sorry. I know my farts are stinking. Toxic? Well, now that’s debatable. I sometimes actually like the way they smell when I make them in the poo-room. But you are correct; they can make you dizzy. One time, when I was making this really big doodie, I woke up an hour later on the floor of the bathroom with my pants still around my ankles. I blinked awake, looked around the bathroom, and was totally like, “Whoa!”

I take full responsibility for hot-boxing Manhattan. Again, all I can say is, “Mea culpa.” That of course, is Latin for, “I farted!” But then I saw this...

Now, I’m pretty sure that one’s not mine. I haven’t been to Austin in years, and typically my farts get weaker as they travel. Also, I’m fairly confident my farts don’t have the capability to kill small animals. Insects, yes; but there has never been a recorded case of a mammal dying from anything squeezed out of my anus.

However, just in case, I’ll go on record and apologize to the people of Austin as well. When it comes to my ass, you never can be sure.


Jon_Kesselman usually steers clear of fart jokes, but it was like Manhattan threw this huge, gaseous softball in front of his face, and he had to swing at it. Sorry.

Dude - I can relate. I'm home sick right now. Don't really feel that bad but my stomach kind of aches and I'm rippin' some unholy beefers. If you see a similar news story out of LA tomorrow, don't be surprised. Ugh...

oh man...so funny!

fart jokes never cease to crack my shit UP! (no pun intended )

The review of the Hussein video was good. It should also be pointed out that the soundtrack sucked and there was a total lack of both creepy big-eyed children and shocking flash-cuts to build suspense. Not even worth the matinee price.

first thing i thought when i heard about the strange stink in NY/NJ: Kesselman. no joke.