NEWS: Brad Warner's Hardcore Zen: How To Be an Enlightened Being® in Five Easy Lessons

CULTURE: Brad Warner's Hardcore Zen: How To Be an Enlightened Being® in Five Easy Lessons

The life of an Enlightened Being® is fast-paced, fun, and profitable! The techniques you need to make an exciting living as an Enlightened Being® can be learned and mastered in your own home! Plenty of people have already managed to attract large followings and build lucrative careers as Enlightened Beings®. Marshall Applewhite, David Koresh, Charles Manson, Osama bin Laden, Zen Master Rama — these are just a few of the people who’ve made big names for themselves in this thrilling world! And you can do it too! There are just five easy skills you need to master and you’ll be on your way to convincing fawning crowds that you are a true Enlightened Being® who deserves their admiration, respect and money.

You don’t need to waste years in meditation. You don’t need the sanction of a respected teacher. Why, you don’t even need to have any actual experience of enlightenment or even the delusion that you’ve had one. With practice, these five easy skills will enable anyone to come across as the perfect enlightened master. A successful spiritual master can make millions in tax-free dollars! You’ll be amazed! Gullible students will buy you expensive meals, houses, even pay for your travel expenses to exotic vacation spots around the globe! Members of the opposite sex — or the same sex, or both, the choice is yours — will find you irresistible no matter how ugly and socially unskilled you are!

Send just $39.95 to cover shipping and handling for my free booklet “How to Become an Enlightened Being® in Five Easy Steps” (California residents add 8.5% sales tax). In this easy and fun course you'll learn how to:

1) Read the available literature on enlightenment experiences, paying particular attention to the most popular pieces. These will clue you in on what most folks expect of “enlightened beings.” A brief and easy reading list will be provided.
2) Learn the current buzzwords used by those who claim to have attained enlightenment. The ability to correctly use words and phrases like “mindfulness,” “skillful means,” and “be in the here and now” will make you sound like the real deal!
3) Being an Enlightened Being® is as simple as playing an improv role on stage. So hone those improv skills in our optional no-obligation Enlightened Being® Improv Classes(sm)! Create a specific character for your “enlightened self” and learn to stay in that character whenever the public is watching. Don’t worry, though. You’ll be able to relax and drop this character when the public isn’t around.
4) Gather an intimate group of followers who can shield you from prying eyes. Your lapses out of character in front of them can be explained as manifestations of secret levels of enlightenment not privy to outsiders! This will make your followers feel special and give them more incentive to protect you from criticism no matter how much you abuse them. In fact, more abuse equals more loyalty! So feel free to torture your followers mentally and even physically whenever you please!
5) Charge a lot. When people pay great sums of their hard-earned cash to be in your presence theyÂ’re less likely to admit their disappointment later. Plus it makes you more money!

Send your order before midnight tonight and youÂ’ll receive these special bonuses:

• A genuine Spiritual Name™ chosen just for you! Why be content being Curt or Britney when you can be Eternal Lotus or Willow of Peace? Hundreds of authentic Spiritual Names™ are available now for a limited time only. (First come, first serve, not all Spiritual Names™ are available to all customers, individual satisfaction with chosen Spiritual Names™ may vary, see disclaimer in back of booklet for details.)
• A real 100% cotton prayer cloth actually blessed by me, Zen Master Odo Benei (sm). Who knows what miracles it may perform for you! (Actual miracles may vary, see booklet for details.)
• A bona fide Certificate of Enlightenment™ signed by me personally proving to one and all that you have truly reached the highest levels of mystical awareness. (Actual mystical awareness not guaranteed, see booklet for details.)

* * *

OK. IÂ’m joking. I have to be careful because IÂ’m always amazed at how incredibly obvious some of the scams that people actually fall for are. I am not the least bit impressed with people who are able to convince others that theyÂ’re enlightened. The mere ability to convince large crowds that youÂ’re enlightened only shows that a certain set of skills have been acquired and practiced. There is a generally accepted fantasy about what an Enlightened Being ought to look and sound like. Tap into that fantasy and youÂ’re on your way.

People who declare themselves Enlightened Beings are the same kind of impoverished egos craving acclaim and adulation as any couch smashing Oprah guest or Brazilian wax job flashing pop diva. In fact, I have more respect for the latter type since at least they can act or sing. The Enlightened Beings IÂ’ve come across have no real skills except the ability to sell themselves.

The word “enlightenment” comes up a lot in Buddhist literature. But the word is so easily abused it’s become very nearly worthless. Real Enlightenment is not an experience you have that sets you up for the rest of your life as a being with Godlike powers and infinite wisdom you can bestow upon those destitute souls lucky enough to be in your presence. Enlightenment is ongoing practice. It is true that years of Zazen can reveal aspects of yourself and the world you live in that most people never notice. Some of this stuff can be truly astounding, showing you that the way you’d previously conceived of everything was entirely mistaken. But the mere fact that you’ve seen this stuff counts for nothing at all. You have to be able to put it into practice or your supposed mystical insights become a disease.

Shoko Asahara is a perfect case in point. This self-styled Buddhist Master had a few tripped out experiences during meditation and declared himself permanently free from his physical body. His spacey “spiritual” demeanor and astonishing tales of states of Higher Wisdom attracted a massive following of truth-seekers overjoyed to do whatever the master bid them to. He even made friends with the Dalai Lama who, it was said, was impressed with this young man’s deep understanding. In 1995 his followers unleashed a poison gas attack on the Tokyo subway system that left 12 dead and thousands injured.

Of course Asahara is a special case of extreme lunacy. But the so-called states of enlightenment he experienced are exactly the same as the ones promised by pundits who hawk enlightenment experiences to wide-eyed followers all over the world today. And they are just as dangerous. There is a difference between Enlightenment and psychosis. But most of what is sold under the heading of Enlightenment is insanity.

There’s an old story about what Enlightenment really is. A guy walks up to an old Zen Master and says, “What is the secret of Enlightenment?” The Zen Master says, “Just do what is right and avoid doing what is wrong.” The guy says, “That’s the secret of Enlightenment? Shit, my 10 year old niece coulda told me that!” The Zen Master says, “Yep. A 10 year old can say it, but even a 70 year old Zen Master has trouble practicing it.”

Brad Warner is the author of Hardcore Zen and the forthcoming Sit Down and Shut Up!. He maintains a blog about Buddhist stuff. If you're in Southern California and you want to try some Zazen for yourself, he has a group that meets every Saturday in Santa Monica.

i knew it was real from the moment i saw that Spiritual Name was trademarked.
It belongs to that tibetan fella....and i hear he's trustworthy, so i just breezed through the rest..

where can i send all my savings to you?

A religious organization should not be charging sales tax.

i figured! amazon has it for just $10.61

You're joking? But I have coupons!

I understand that it can be frustrating as a practicing Buddhist to see so much disinformation about Buddhism. But some people are looking for something to fill their lives with and New Age, Inc does that for them.

The Buddha never said that there weren't other paths. He just laid out a path that he found worked. Those who want to follow the Buddha's path will find it. And those who don't won't.

And trashing someone else's faith isn't cool.

to paraphrase an old buddhist maxim "if you meet brad warner on the road to enlightenment, kill him"

Ohhhhhh man. That guy is totally enlightened.

I hope you don't mind my drunkenly adding my favorite enlightenment story:

A young man asked the Buddha: "What shall I do when I become enlightened?"

The Buddha said: "What do you do now?"

The young man replied: "I chop wood, and carry water."

The Buddha said: "When you are enlightened, you will chop wood, and carry water."

I always wondered why we are so reluctant about criticizing *anyone* about their religious beliefs. Obviously the major world religions all have some very good things to say and we should respect them, but as you start to get out into the fringes sometimes you really have to just say "Wow, that is really fucking stupid and you should stop." If someone is being abused or taken advantage of by some religious leader, sitting back and letting them continue to be taken advantage of because we don't want to offend their religious beliefs definitely is not the right course of action.

Spiritual practices have always been compromised and corrupted. Please be reminded that many Zen Buddhist institutions supported imperial Japan during World War II. Most just looked the other way. The few that opposed the dictatorship were repressed. According to Buddhism, life is suffering. Why did the Zen Buddhists' actions and inactions cause more of it? I am reading an interesting history book, Zen at War by Brian Daizen Victoria, about this subject. Whether it be 12 dead on a Toyko subway, a housefull of Heaven Gaters dead, or hundreds of thousands dead by imperial Japan it is all relative. How can we reconcile this?