Andy Rooney Is A Dick

I don't mean to be unfriendly but, I don't know what possesses people to send me things but I get a ton of stuff in the mail. Most of it is junk but some of it is interesting junk.

I made the mistake of saying that about the only medicine I take is an occasional Tum and someone sent me a lifetime supply of Tums. I've estimated that there are about 2,200 Tums. If I take two a week, these would last me 1,100 weeks which is about 21 years.

I also got a "professional quality kazoo." I wouldn't want an amateur-quality kazoo.

I had one when I was a kid but a kazoo must be near the bottom of the list of musical instruments, below the harmonica certainly and just above the Jew's harp.

I get a lot of books from people looking for a plug. I've never plugged a book yet but that doesn't seem to discourage anyone.

A man named Bruce Bowman sent me a book he wrote called "Exposed." I guess it's a good book but he actually sent me a box with 20 copies of it. What am I supposed to do with 20 copies of a book like this that I don't want one of?

He probably chose the best-looking picture of himself for the cover - he isn't really this good-looking.

People are always painting pictures of me. If I thought I looked like most of them, I'd get into some other line of work where my face didn't show.

This was sort of a surprise: an irreligious T-shirt. Sent by an atheist I suppose. I don't know how many atheists there are in this country.

I also got a piece of gold sent to me by a man in Ft. Walton Beach, Fla. It's one ounce of 14 karat gold. I'm not sure what a karat is but whatever it is I have to send this back or I'd get fired.

I think I know what I'm going to do with all these things people have sent me. I'm going to get them all together - put them in a big box, tie a ribbon around it - and throw the box away.

roaring_tulips said:
I thought his thing was to be senile and pointless.....

ANDY ROONEY WILL SEAT YOU NOW

BY JASON ROEDER

- - - -

We'd like a table for two, by the window if possible.

I don't much care for windows. It seems everything is made of glass nowadays. Mirrors are made of glass, and so are bottles. You'll find glass in everything from skyscrapers to goldfish bowls. Vases are often glass as well. Frankly, I'm not a big fan of vases, never used them. I've never understood the need for a special container for your flowers when you can just carry them around indefinitely.

I'm not really sure what ...

I don't like prisms, either, and I don't particularly trust refracted light. And glass has even infected our language. It's in popular phrases such as "glass ceiling" and "glass jaw" and "glass cutter." It's in "eyeglasses," even though many lenses are actually made of plastic. We drink from a "glass," but do we serve our food in a "porcelain" or cut it with a "steel"? Call me old-fashioned, but I just don't understand all the fuss about glass. And just because I buy one sweater from you doesn't mean I want to receive a catalog from your company every other Tuesday for the rest of my natural-born life. If I need your fine merchandise, I know where to find you.

Wait. Sweater? What?

Of course, English has other words I can do without besides "glass." One of the things that make the English language so wonderful is its suppleness, but sometimes we go too far. Pointless words such as "bling-bling" and "coot" and "rambling" have infiltrated our dictionary, our most cherished reference manual. I remember when "market" was just a noun and when any baby animal was a "piglet." Oh, sure, English still had a lot of words back then, but it was manageable. Nowadays, I'm just overwhelmed with Christmas cards, and I've never really understood the point of it all. If I don't hear from you the other 364 days of the year, I can do without hearing from you on that day, too.

Can we please be seated? Or could you at least make a point?

Glass is used in microscopes and telescopes, but I've always been a little suspicious of microorganisms and faraway objects_what are they hiding from, exactly? I've always wondered who names the planets and whether I'd want one named after me. On one hand, Planet Rooney has a nice ring to it_kind of like Saturn_but the human me would suffer in comparison with an awesome celestial body. "Awesome." There's another word that doesn't mean anything anymore. Nowadays, "awesome" is used to describe just about anything that's even marginally acceptable. That movie was "awesome," my new car is "awesome," and so forth. And if something is genuinely awesome, in the dictionary sense of the word, it simply gets upgraded to "totally awesome," since "awesome" itself is now used to describe a particularly tasty egg roll. And glass is also used in optical fibers.

We're just going to be leaving now.

You might think I'm being a little rough on poor glass_after all, there aren't many materials you can shatter just by singing a certain way_but I love my language too much not to speak up. I'll raise a toast to English anytime, but, if you don't mind, I'll drink from a wine cup.

FridgeMagnet said:

Meanwhile Bruce Bowman got exactly what he wanted when he sent Andy Rooney 20 copies of his stupid fucking book. Publicity. Without Andy Rooney I doubt you or I would have ever heard of Exposed by Bruce Bowman. And you wouldn't have been posting about it on a site with a gijillion unique users a day.

neverender said:
Andy Rooney is a known racialist.

dkmfc said:

this is true, but andy rooney is still...a dick.

neverender said:
Andy Rooney is a known racialist.

flyboy757 said:
How long before we get an "Andy Dick is a Rooney" thread?

PRockGirlScout said:
He really is a complete asshole but there are a lot of teenage boys more annoying than that.

roaring_tulips said:

This is very, very true.

Still, what a dick. It's just a statement of fact.

FridgeMagnet said:

It's actually a statement of opinion. Being "a dick" is not a binary thing, it's a judgement call. So you can't say that "in fact" he is a dick. You can say he is "in your opinion, a dick."

FridgeMagnet said:

It's actually a statement of opinion. Being "a dick" is not a binary thing, it's a judgement call. So you can't say that "in fact" he is a dick. You can say he is "in your opinion, a dick."