NEWS: Whoever Dealt It Should Deal with It!

CULTURE: Whoever Dealt It Should Deal with It!

There are people at both ends of the spectrum and across the middle. There are people who will laugh at any joke that begins or ends with those three little words, "pull my finger." Then there are those of us who are so prudish we wouldn't cop to committing an act of flatulence when all evidence points to us.

You can tell a lot about a person and their association with their farts, and their response to the farts of their colleagues and peers. Personally, I didn't even think girls farted until I was in my teens (I only have brothers). That would classify me "a late bloomer." The other day a woman farted and, in my opinion, her association with her farts would classify her as "a criminal."

On Monday of this week, American Airlines Flight 1053 leaving Reagan National Airport and bound for Dallas Fort-Worth was forced to make an emergency landing in Nashville. Soon after take-off passengers reported to the flight crew the smell of burned matches. The smell was traced to its origin in the cabin, an as yet unidentified woman.

Because of her embarrassment and reticence, a lot of money was spent needlessly investigating the situation.

After copious amounts of tax dollars were spent investigating possible acts of terrorism, flights were delayed and/or re-routed in order to compensate for the grounded plane, pilot and flight crew, and 98 passengers were delayed four hours in reaching their destination and subjected to interrogation, the woman with the "troubled digestive system" was banned from American Airlines Flights until further notice. Lynne Lowrance, a spokewoman for Nashville's airport has been fielding questions concerning the situation all week.

I understand what the woman was going through. I'm the type of guy who should I disturb the breathing situation in the car with only one other occupant, I'll stick to my fail-safe plan of pretending I don't smell anything. Even as I roll down the window, I'll relax my facial muscles and be like, "Seriously dude, I can't smell it, but whatever..."

This woman took things a little too far. It's far too easy to be sympathetic in this situation, I'm sure I'm not the only one envisioning a little old lady who has bowel problems, but I'd have less problems if she was forthcoming once the FBI showed up. I suppose once the matches are smelled, the plane would be forced to go through the motions of a terrorism investigation whether the woman confessed to the matches or not. By the same token, passengers today should have the common sense to realize that igniting matches on a plane would be illegal. The crime seems pretty serious to me, and the repercussions a lot more costly than say stealing CDs at the mall, for which you get a quick trip to jail, not told your frequently flyer miles are now void.

Seriously, this is a serious situation here. Shit, I just waisted a lot of time thinking about jailing an old woman for farting, didn't I? Damn.

That's hillarious....

I love how absurd our culture is.

I wonder if a curry the night before would lead to a heavier penalty?......

They'll have to train a whole new dog unit!

It's funny and sad at the same time.

I'm the type of guy who clicks the "window lock" button, shuts off the air, and forces my passengers to enjoy the smell of my ass, and yards of Buick leather. Maybe that just makes me sadistic.

It makes you something. Ha.

I had a friend who was with a group of guys and they were trying to light their own farts. One guy didn't know if it was a shit or a fart, but he went for it anyway with all the force he could muster.

Minutes later he ran around screaming "I shit my pants! I shit my pants!"

Seriously, on an airplane when there's 99 people on board, just play it off like it wasn't you, even get offended when someone else accuses you of it. Chances are, they won't trace it back to you anyway, and I assume if she lit a match without anyone seeing her do it, she was in a row by herself. She could have gotten away with it. Oh well, more tax dollars well spent.

What did they think she was going to do? Bring down a plane with matches? Once again, they are over-reacting with fear and hysteria. Ridiculous waste of taxpayer money. What a bunch of idiots.

Of course, the general use of matches is to set something ablaze, not act as a deodorant-- and sans smoking on a plane, it doesn't seem ridiculous for passengers and air personnel to be concerned about why someone seems to be setting something on fire. Could be a shoe-bomb, could be flatulence.

The lady's reticence seems just as much to blame for blowing the incident out of proportion.

I'm amazed that no one around her saw her lighting matches, and that no one did anything to stop her or, at the least, make her aware of her own stupidity.