NEWS: Jonathan KesselmanÂ’s Suicide Watch: Apocalypto Is Anti-Mayanetic!!!

CULTURE: Jonathan Kesselman’s Suicide Watch: Apocalypto Is Anti-Mayanetic!

(Editor’s Note: The following article contains “spoilers.” FYI, a “spoiler” means that if you read this, certain plot elements from the film 'Apocalypto' will be revealed, and therefore “spoiled” for you. “Spoiled” means that if you go to the movie, you’ll already know stuff about it before you see it. Yes, it’s a silly term, but we didn’t “coin” it. FYI, to “coin a term” means to make a “term” up. A “term” is like a word, or a phrase...or something).


IÂ’ve just come from an advance screening of Mel GibsonÂ’s latest film, Apocalypto, and oh boy, itÂ’s official; this film is Anti-Mayanetic!

Before I get into the details, let me clarify a few things. First off, I am not Mayan. That’s not to say that there isn’t the possibility that I have some Mayan blood in me. Nobody can ever be sure of their entire genetic makeup, and Mayans are seriously cool—they have tats, and multiple piercings, and wear glam make-up! Some of my best friends happen to be Mayan. In fact, the vast majority of these friends also happen to be members of the SuicideGirls community. Go figure.

My friends, you need to know what youÂ’ll be up against when the film is released on December 10th! I will write this article on behalf of you! On behalf of us! I will be your/our voice! I will be youour voice.

Not to sound arrogant, but I think I just “coined” a “term!”

Before I put the proverbial fire to Mel’s proverbial feet, I’d like to start off this Anti-Anti-Mayanetic critique by letting out the linguistically accurate, blood curdling Maya war cry—

Eiiiayyayayiiii!!!!

Trust me, when you hear it aloud as opposed to reading it, it’s very frightening. Either way, right now, I’m frantic. I’m like a Jaguar unleashed! I’m not sure if it’s because of that second cup of coffee, or the Mayan “Fairy Dust” I scored off of that Honduran dude in the East Village before I watched the flick earlier, but I can barely keep from smashing my fingers through the keyboard as I type this. I am so filled with anger and aggression…and weird hallucinations involving Och-Kan, the Vision Serpent…wait, why the fuck is Och-Kan in my apartment? Get the fuck out of here Och-Kan!!!

Eiiiayyayayiiii!!!

Sorry, I couldnÂ’t help myself that time. IÂ’m freaking! Och-Kan was trying to eat me! I gave him some rice cakes, so heÂ’s cool for now. HeÂ’s kind of just slithering around in the corner by the radiator, checking my place out as he intermittently swallows his fluffy, delicious-yet-healthy snack food. I think heÂ’s sparing my life because he knows I am a true believer. A conduit! A champion of the entire Mayan/SG race! Or, maybe Och-Kan just digs rice cakes. Either way, IÂ’ve learned over the years that when youÂ’re dealing with a lethal Demi-Serpent-God itÂ’s best just to let things slide...

Wait! Eww. He just pooed in the corner. God Damn it, Och-Kan! IÂ’ll deal with you later, you fork-tongued little dick!

Speaking of fork-tongued little dicksÂ…Mr. Mel Gibson, youÂ’ve done it again! When will your smear campaign against those who do not follow the tenets of your creepy fundamental Catholic sect end!? First, you negatively portrayed post-apocalyptic Road Warriors as fey 80's Punk Rockers. You even made Tina Turner come off like a bitch AFTER Ike beat the shit out of her for all those years. Cruel! Seriously.

Then, you made a mockery of suicidal police officers with chronic dislocating shoulders. Why? What was the point of that? Later, in Braveheart you demonized the English for being pasty, and patronizing, and just plain talking funny. Finally, you placed responsibility for the death of the King Of The Jews on the Jews themselves, and then blamed them for starting all the wars in the world.

And nowÂ…this!? You are a despicable, despicable man! LetÂ’s just get to the facts, shall we?

In his press notes, Mr. Gibson states that his actors speak in the Yukatek Maya dialect. Now, everyone knows that a distinctive feature of Yukatek (and all Mayan languages) is the use of ejective consonants (e.g. /p'/, /k'/, /t/'). Often (but incorrectly) referred to as glottalized consonants, they are pronounced more or less like their non-ejective counterparts, though the pronunciation is briefly halted and then released with a characteristic popping sound. Yukatek is an agglutinative language, so words can end up seeming quite long (e.g., kuhatz'ikech He hits you, tuhatz'ahech He hit you). Like all Mayan languages, Yukatek has Verb Subject Object word order and ergative morphosyntactic alignment. That said, the obligatorily-bound pronouns on Yukatek verbs is canonically Subject Object Verb in order!

Come on Mel, this is MAYAN 101!

In Apocalypto, your actors totally bungle the ejective consonants, dis-agglutinative the protracted verbalizations, and quite frequently use Subject Verb Object word order! It’s fucking blasphemy, and if I were a full-blooded Mayan, I’d want Mel’s head on my Atlatl, which as we all know, is Yukatek for “spear thrower.”

And while we’re on the subject of language, let’s take a look at some of the ‘Characters’ in the movie. The protagonist, Jaguar Paw, has a wife named Seven, and two sons named Flint Sky and Turtles Run. Talk about stereotypical Mayan names! Jesus, Mel! You might as well have named you characters Dances With Wolves, or Rabbit Droppings, or Cleopatra Jones, or Shylock Jewy Jewenstein! I mean, seriously, this is how you’re going to dehumanize my Mayan brothers and sisters!?

Well, technically, theyÂ’re not my brothers and sistersÂ…probably more like my cousins fourteen-times-removed. But thatÂ’s a moot point, and you know it!

I could go on, but suddenly the Mayan “Fairy Dust” is peaking, and I think Quetzalcoatl just flew into my apartment through the kitchen window. Oh my lord, it looks like he is going to attack Och-Kan! Holy shit, this is awesome! Wait! Ixtab, the goddess of suicide just walked through the front door with a noose around her neck, and now she’s wrestling Quetzalcoatl AND Och-Kan! Not only is she kicking BOTH of their asses, but she’s doing it totally nude!!! Holy Ixbalanque, I’m gonna get me a piece of this action and jump on into the fray! Fuc-Kuhatz'ikech yeah!

Eiiiayyayayiiii!!!


Jon_Kesselman Nd-o-heja-s´e-i i-ku´ara ha’e-˜no, nongatu-h´ape mayma i-mba’e kuera o-˜nongatu-va’e-kwe ´ara ro’˜y s´a megua-r'a. LOL

Wow I usually understand the brief idea of a post but any help?

I hope this guy didn't get paid to write this shit review.

Is Mayan "Ferry Dust" cocaine? Wasn't in Wiki. Too large of words for meth. Got me.

it may have something to do with this.

He didn't use an editor. He edited his own piece. This just needs some editing.

I've read other reviews.
This seemed like he's trying to move
in on Rob Corddry's stylistic territory.

"I can barely keep from smashing my
fingers throught the keyboard.."
hahaha.

The film Schindler's List is anti German, because it depicts the Germans as nasty violent Jew hating murderers!

I actually want to see this movie. I had an oppurtunity on Sunday (free screening at MSU) but I was cloistered in my room readying for exams. Anyone have a valid review thats not just making fun of the fact that everyone perceives Gibson as racist? I dislike him as a person but his movies tend to be pretty ok.

i give this review "ALL THUMBS UP"

Well i'm just concerned about the submitter. He has been clear in writing and concept in the past. Dove and Anders, regardless of your feelings about Mel Gibson, don't you have concerns for Jonathan?

i guess i just didn't realize that people have to write one way all the time or else something is wrong with their brain.

also, i followed along with the piece just fine, so i guess i just don't get what you're saying.

swedrock, do you enjoy the sound of your own typing?

It's not political. He is incoherent. Maybe

No, he isn't. It's purposeful rambling, a fitful, stop-start bit of comedic stream of consciousness. It's been a go to device in comic writing for a long time.

Everyone's trying too hard. The explanation is quite simple. He tried too hard to be funny and, well, failed (speaking, as I am, for a majority I in no way represent of course). Happens to the best of us. It's just like when the rest of us try out a new joke with a small group of friends and it bombs and we try to awkwardly play it off like somehow we didn't mean it... only he had the audacity to pawn his bad humor off on the masses, so by all means, lampoon him if you will.

Ehhh, it's just a movie.

you SUCK kesselman. god, seriously. SUCKAGE.

LOL

Except it isn't funny, it's just annoying read to 3-4 paragraphs of "purposeful rambling" while wondering what the hell his point is.

OH, THANK GOD!

I was waiting for someone to appear and objectively define what is, and isn't funny. All these years I've been in despair, thinking that I would have to have my own opinion on the matter.

While you're here, can you tell me if Ghostbusters is funnier than Stripes? I've always maintained that it is, so if I'm wrong I've got a hell of a lot of phone calls to make.

I can die happy knowing Och-Kan as been inciting rant on the internet and the shamanistic totems of pre-imperialist south america have secured their rightful place in eternity.

What all of you fail to understand is the grim truth of internet deadpanning and the decisive follow-through it requires in never giving up, not once, nor betraying the sense of the scene. And what's more, until you become a linguist who has studied Yukatek linguistics and then seen the movie, you simply do not know if he's kidding or not.

Don't let the bastards get you down...they don't know funny from kugel.