NEWS: Chris GoreÂ’s Footage Fetishes: The 12 Films of Christmas

CULTURE: Chris Gore’s Footage Fetishes: The 12 Films of Christmas

Christmas is that time of year when you have no choice but to celebrate the holidays with family and friends. And sitting down to view a movie is often the best way to avoid actual communication with those annoying family members you'd rather dodge. The trouble is that while the Christmas holiday has resulted in some true movie classics, there are plenty of bad flicks too. Did anyone see that awful Danny DeVito/Matthew Broderick movie Deck the Halls?

There are too many colossally bad and forgettable Christmas movies to list here, but there are some ones that may not spring to mind as the best of the bunch. Many of these have nothing to do with Christmas at all, but are merely set during the holidays, which is as good an excuse as any for viewing them now.

HereÂ’s a list of 12 of the best, which should help when it comes to averting relatives during this holiday madness.


Best Christmas Comedy (Not for Kids)
Bad Santa (2003)
This vile comedy has Billy Bob Thornton piss drunk as he takes on midgets, engages in rough anal sex with MILFs and is simply wrong in all the right ways. You'll never look at wooden pickles the same way again.
Quote: Fuck me, Santa! Fuck me, Santa! Fuck me, Santa!

Best Animated Christmas Short
How the Grinch Stole Christmas! (1966)
The Jim Carrey live-action feature is unwatchable, but the animated original voiced by Boris Karloff creeps kids out everytime.
Quote: Santie Claus, why? Why are you taking our Christmas tree, why?

Best Animated Christmas Short in which Jesus gets respect
A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965)
When this Christmas special originally aired on CBS, network execs were concerned about the religious overtones. In fact, this cartoon almost didn't air because of references to Jesus, y'know, the person most responsible for Christmas. While the gentrified holiday entertainment churned out now continues to take the Christ out of Christmas, this one remains as one of the most entertaining and moving.
Quote: Charlie Brown—Rats. Nobody sent me a Christmas card today. I almost wish there weren't a holiday season. I know nobody likes me. Why do we have to have a holiday season to emphasize it?


Jack and Sally sell t-shirts, hoodies, action figures, and more on both Halloween and Christmas.

Best Animated Christmas Feature
The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)
The two best holidays have come together to not only create an animated goth classic, but a mechandising empire that keeps Hot Topic in business year after year.
Quote: Attacked by Christmas toys? That's strange, that's the second toy complaint we've had.

Best Romantic Christmas Comedy
Love Actually (2003)
This ensemble romantic comedy following eight couples over the holiday will charm everyone in the room.
Quote: All I want for Christmas is you.

Best Bill Murray Christmas Classic
Scrooged (1988)
Murray is the most likable mean guy on the planet in this retelling of A Christmas Carol.
Quote: Oh my gosh, does that stink. We've spent $40 million on a live TV show, you guys have got an ad with America's favorite old fart reading a book in front of a fireplace! Now, I have to kill all of you!


Can you name any other Christmas movie with a woman in full body latex wielding a whip?

Best Comic Book Christmas Movie
Batman Returns (1992)
Tim Burton's second film on this list is notable for introducing Catwoman who quickly popularized full-body latex suits as a viable fashion choice.
Quote: Selina Kyle—A kiss under the mistle toe...a mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.
Bruce Wayne—But a kiss can be even deadlier if you mean it.


Weirdest Christmas Movie Ever
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)
Martians kidnap Santa so he bring cheer to kids on Mars. This film is most notable as the debut of actress Pia Zadora.
Christmas Quote: Hargo—What's soft and round and you put it on a stick and you toast it in a fire, and it's green?
Kimar—I don't know what?
Hargo—A Martian mellow.

Best Action Movie Set During Christmas
Die Hard (1988)
Guns and Christmas go together like egg and nog.
Christmas Quote: Ho. Ho. Ho. Now I have a gun.


Best Christmas Movie with Secret Sex Clubs
Eyes Wide Shut (1999)
Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman star in Stanley Kubrick's last film exploring love, marriage and bizarre sex parties all set at Christmastime in England. (Well, it was shot in England, but it's supposed to be NYC.)
Christmas Quote: When she is having her little TITTIES squeezed, do you think she ever has any fantasies about what handsome Dr. Bill's DICKIE might be like?

Eyes Wide Shut is that rare Christmas film with full frontal nudity. And who knows? Jolly holiday orgies could become a new tradition?

Best Black & White Christmas Movie
ItÂ’s a Wonderful Life (1946)
Groan all you want, this Jimmy Stewart film is as watchable as the day it was made. This Frank Capra film also has an uplifting message: Learning to accept your miserable life no matter how crappy it is and appreciate those around you is better than killing yourself.
Quote: Merry Christmas, movie house! Merry Christmas, Emporium! Merry Christmas, you wonderful old Building and Loan!


Best Christmas Movie of all Time
A Christmas Story (1983)
Who would have thought that Bob Clark, the man behind the nudity-filled teen T&A flick Porky's could create this enduring yuletide film?
Quote: You'll shoot your eye out, kid.

Happy Holidays to you all.

Gore gone.

Chris_Gore is an author, a filmmaker, the creator of Film Threat, and will spend Christmas at the movies.

As I am a storehouse of obscure references, I am always somewhat disturbed when I'm drunk around Christmas and start paraphrasing my favorite line from from "It's a Wonderful Life."

I put on a really BAD faux-Italian accent and say "Ey, don'ta you hitta my friend-a Georgia Bailey."

Generally 9/10ths of the audience looks completely baffled. Then there's that one person who either thinks like me or just saw the movie for the 100th time. That person tends to become a friend for life.

On-topic footnote: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians includes Pia Zadora in one of her first roles.

So even before she became a full-time C-list celeb who was kinda famous for being almost-famous, she had her name out there on something ELSE awful.

Come on, Chris! Santa's Slay?

Watch!

Charlie Brown

how the grinch stole christmas

it's a wonderful life

santa claus conquers the martians

and 97 more christmas classics!

+1

"SquIIIRRRREEELLLL!"
or
"Let's burn some dust, eat my rubber."

I am the proud owner of a Leg Lamp.

I think the absence of Home Alone on that list is pretty egregious.

How about
BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIE THAT DOESN'T ACTUALLY EXIST:

Kiss Saves Santa
Quote: Everyone knows that pterodactyls can't stand the sound of an electric guitar!

Id say home alone or jingle all the way.
I like my festive slapstick violence.

I believe Eyes Wide Shut is actually set in New York.

I was surprised at what a genuinely good Christmas movie ELF is. I didn't see it when it opened because they marketed it as a Will Ferrell gross-out follow-up to Old School etc., but when I finally saw it I was very pleasantly surprised. Ed Asner as Santa Claus!!

Crap! You're right. I'll correct the piece. It was shot in England because Kubrick won't fly and they did a poor job of masking it, but whatever. Thanks!

Ah, Chris Gore, where would I be without you and your lists?

No problem. All the sets of NYC were custom built in studio. That's why the signage is so symbolism heavy.

Yep-- you hit all of my Christmas standards. When I first invested in a laserdisc player, two of my first three purchases were Christmas pieces: A Christmas Story and A Charlie Brown Christmas. I'm not a big fan of celebrating the holiday myself, but I love those two, especially the latter. I feel more religious after watching Linus' speech than I ever have after attending a church.

Yeah, I'm not normally a Ferrell fan, but I was delighted by Elf.

That Die Hard quote's pretty far off, Chris. (I just made a shirt that says it for this year's Christmas party, so I'm sure.) The shirt actually reads: "Now I have a machine gun, too. Ho Ho Ho." (I've added correct punctuation.) When Hans reads it, he leaves off the "too."

I'm just saying.

What about "White Christmas" or "Miracle on 34th Street" ? Those are great chrismas films.

This, and catching part of A Muppet Christmas Carol on TV, has got me wondering. Which is the best version of A Christmas Carol?

It's tempting to vote for the Muppet version. Not a bad telling of the tale, and lets face it, they're Muppets so there some extra points there. But I'm going to have to go with the Patrick Stewart version.

Bad Santas is one of my favorite movies.

And if you are going to watch "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians," you should watch the MST3K version of it.

Gremlins

I have to say...I prefer my comedy relatively refined most of the time, or batshit weird, one of the two. I don't really find drunk people funny, or low-brow slapstick (the Stooges do not rock my world), or poop jokes, or what have you.

And I fucking loved Bad Santa.

Less Than Zero