Rabbit Corkscrews: The Absolute Pinnacle of Modern Engineering

Wow. I hadn't seen that. I'd have to play with it to see how it worked, though.

But it does take some hand strength. People with arthritis in their hands and wrists can't use wine keys easily, but the rabbit corkscrew was practically made for them- it's so ergonomically simple, you'd think the OXO people had made it. For that matter, injured drunkards like myself (a broken bone in my wrist- no radial motion with strong resistance for me) can use it, too.

It also takes a fraction of the time that even the best wine key user takes, which makes it good for big tastings and other events with tons of bottles.

It looks like one of those devices, the bad guys that wear suits in certain types of sci fi movies use to stab you in the neck.

The needle goes into/through the cork, then you use the button on the top to force air through the needle and into the cork/bottle, building up pressure until it pops out.

It seems like it would be really shitty with old and dry corks.

Yeah, but aren't corkscrews shitty with old and dry corks?

Yes, but there is another tool for this- a two-pronged thing fork thing called the butler's friend, where the prongs slip down the sides between the cork and the bottle.

Of course, there's also lopping off the top of the neck with a heated sabre.

Aka an "ah-so".

Excellent for stabbing yourself in both eyes at the same time when you realize you can't get the fucking bottle open because you don't know how to use one because who the hell uses an ah-so?

I like to refer to these as "The best way to ensure that the cork ends up inside the bottle. "

Those things are a bitch and a half to work right.

What's this?:

A butterfly corkscrew.

Yes, but if you're going to have two contraptions anyway, (because I sure wouldn't want to open all my wine with those two pronged fork things) why not have a corkpop thinger instead of a corkscrew?

If anyone replies to this and starts their reply with anything but "yes, but" I'm going to be very upset.

Yes, but I don't think those corkpop things work very well with some kinds of synthetic corks- they're too dense to get the needle through.

Yes, but...you could be right, I have no idea.

The screw-top (corkless) wine bottle.

Oh, cram it with walnuts, Ozzie. Stop trying to out-snobify me.

Pervert.[/thought the topic was sextoy-related also]

What's great about boxed wine is that it's basically a punishment for the cheap.

No, not the half-assed taste of the stuff.

Boxed wine just about always has LESS ALCOHOL per volume than bottled wine. Sometimes CONSIDERABLY LESS. Yes, you get a shitload for not much money. No, it's really not all that great a deal.

Unless A) You like watered-down wine. B) You don't want to get THAT drunk.

The thing with the two prongs is also known as a "church key."

I used to work in the wine and liquor business.

It was an odd business. You have to KNOW just how stupid your customer is without letting them know that you know.

It gets tempting to inform people that Southern Comfort isn't whiskey or bourbon (it's a fucking cordial or liqueur), that Jack Daniels is "Tennessee Whiskey" (it can't be Bourbon because it's not from Kentucky) and that that French "sparkling wine" is actually closer to champagne than that bottle of Totts they're buying in its place (EU laws dictate that only sparkling wine from the Champagne region of France can be called champagne, the U.S. has no such laws). The trick was always educating the consumer without boring them or making them feel like a fucking idiot.

Then again, on the upside you could totally answer a question like "Do you have Cockburns?" with "No, but I have Dry Sack." My friend used to do that and somehow get away with it. Now he owns the fucking store.

"I used penicillin and it cleared right up."

The better corkscrews have a "spiral worm" (industry term, not my invention) rather than an actual straight screw.

The thing is that the spiral worms are harder to start and get going straight. So if you have the butterfly type things can go much smoother than with a spiral worm you have to get going yourself.

The kinds that are basically just a straight rod with a screw thread tend to strip/tear apart the cork if the cork is particularly dry (hint, NEVER store wine upright right before you drink it) or just too tight.

I'd have to get one of these and try it out. That said, I don't drink much in the way of wine these days.

Corks will eventually go away (or be replaced with synthetics).

There's been a cork shortage going on for a couple of decades. Eventually better and more expensive wines will be sold without a "proper cork." And if any winemaker can pull off dropping that particular cost of doing business, the cork is done for.

That's INCREDIBLE!

Operators are standing by...

I particularly enjoy using butterfly corkscrews. Something about them flapping about and spinning is just wildly entertaining. And then the more wine you have and the harder it gets to use the damn thing just makes it a challenge--a game.