NEWS: Jonathan KesselmanÂ’s Suicide Watch: ItÂ’s Thanksgiving! Are You As Miserable As I Am?

CULTURE: Jonathan Kesselman’s Suicide Watch: It’s Thanksgiving! Are You As Miserable As I Am?

Tonight, I board a plane and make my way to Utah (donÂ’t ask, and no, IÂ’m not from there). In Utah, there are lots of nice Mormon people. ItÂ’s very clean. They have mountains and Wal-Marts. I hate Utah. I am going to hell for the holidays.

Let me begin by saying that I love my family. I love each and every member with all of my heart. However, something strange happens when we all get together under the same roof. IÂ’m not sure if itÂ’s biochemical, or some kind of chakratic (sic?) realignment, but like magic, we are all suddenly transformed into vicious, annoying Assholes. All of us. Yes, even me.

But starting tomorrow, while my 10-year-old Nephew taunts me as he beats the shit out of me on his XBOX360, and my Sister-In-Law multitasks as she cooks the Turkey and Turkey accoutrements while insulting her husband (my oldest brother) because she is overwhelmed by all of his family in the house, while my Mom sits on the sofa imperiously finding fault with everyone while experimenting in ways to push their buttons and make them hate each other, and after my Brother Josh and I have bickered over who gets the “better” bed in the house (he’ll probably win, fucker), I will be unhappy.

Are you unhappy where you are?

HereÂ’s a tip for the T-Day weekend. Drug and drink yourself through the entire ordeal. My personal choice is a Vicodin/Klonopin/Wine combo. Do it carefully, however. A substance abuse related death is a heavy thing to lay on your family right before Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa. IÂ’ve found that if I can titrate a steady dose of the Benzodiazepines, Narcotics, and Red Wine, I can usually sleep through most of the tension, anger, resentment, frustration, over-stuffing, and bad Television that make up a Kesselman family Thanksgiving.

Did someone invent the term “dysfunctional” to allow us to blame the other members of our families for our misery during this sham of a holiday? Is there such a thing as a “functional” family? I think I’ve seen one on 7th Heaven. However, I think if those people were my family I’d probably wake up in the middle of the night and put an Axe through their pretty little blonde heads. Yes, even the cute one.

I still can’t quite figure out why we even celebrate Thanksgiving? Who really benefits from T-Day? The Turkey Farmers? Kind of a cruel business, don’t you think? The Airlines? They’re even more cruel than the Turkey Farmers. A five hour flight, and they don’t feed you? WTF!? And what are we even giving thanks for again? Isn’t this the holiday where somebody else’s ancestors invited the Native Americans over to their “functional” homes in an effort to befriend and then lull them into a false sense of security before stealing their land and tossing them onto reservations? If so, I’d like to apologize on behalf of those dicks, but also thank whatever tribe lived in what is now called Brooklyn. I really like Brooklyn. To the Utah tribes people, on the other hand…not so much thanks to you. You should have fought the Mormons harder. I have some Mormon friends. Trust me, they aren’t that tough.

My ride to the airport comes in an hour, and I’m rushing to the finish line on this one. Sorry it’s not better. My column happens to post the same day as a National Holiday. Stop being so judgmental—you aren’t working either!

In conclusion, wherever you are spending this Thanksgiving, give thanks that your own personal hell will only last for a couple of days. You’ll be home on Sunday or Monday, away from your “crazy” families, back to your “normal” lives. For now, I’d like to raise my glass of water mixed with Airborne to all of you; nay, to all of us, who have been forced to suffer for the sins of someone else’s forefathers. Those guys are dicks.

Jon_Kesselman will be in a better mood next week. He thinks. Have a "Happy" Thanksgiving.

Thanks for reminding me of all the things I am NOT missing

Heh. And people wonder why I prefer to work on the holidays.

"No, Dad, there was no way I could get out of working tonight."

I've found that pot and Jack Daniel's is a really nice combo. Plus, you get the bonus of seeing how red your eyes are in all the family photos. Makes for great jokes for the guys when you get home.

+100

My dear departed mother, who was a bit bent to begin with (but usually in an entertaining way) became completely unglued at the holidays. I could tell stories all afternoon of the funny, bizarre things she said and did under the influence of turkey and cranberry sauce.

Dad, on the other hand, did just as you suggested: drank and drugged himself into a pleasant stupor so as to be able to tolerate it all while still chirping, "yes, dear" to mum.

It's interesting how you don't seem to notice it as much when you're young and living amongst it day in and day out. But after you've grown and gone and you start making those trips back for the holidays, the old homestead seems like such a fucking' weird contrast to your own life. As you described, the family dynamic sure becomes complicated and nuts.

Whatever, everyone enjoy your weekend...

http://www.startribune.com/562/story/830159.html

"Isn't this the holiday where somebody else's ancestors invited the Native Americans over to their "functional" homes in an effort to befriend and then lull them into a false sense of security before stealing their land and tossing them onto reservations?"

That about said it all for me....and damn if I need a flight, a gathering, and a greasy nap to justify my misery...I'm fully capable of doing that all by myself.

T-Day Horror Update #1:

So, I sat at JFK for 3 extra hours yesterday, an hour on the jetway. Landed at 3AM as opposed to midnight. So far, I arrived at my brother's house, and he just screamed at me for breaking his wi-fi (which I did not do...I swear)! My nephew is now sulking and harrasing me because after beating him BADLY in NBA2K6 on his XBOX360, he now insists we go out into the freezing temps and play basketball. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I will have various updates and family memeber first person accounts throughout the course of this living hell.

Talk soon,

Jon

you can't win with that shit. you throw the game and you don't hear the end of it, you win the game and you have to put up a barrage of "you cheated"'s, "you got lucky"'s, and "I will kick your ass at ___"'s. from what i understand if you kill someone from a gang and then befriend the rival gang you will have smooth sailing from there on out. or is that prison...

whatever same thing.

FIRST PERSON ACCOUNT FROM MY BROTHER JOSH:

Chillin on the couch - out of my head drunk and feeling the effects of the Darvocet which I stole from my sister in-law's medicine cabinet. Jon's idea, really. I love being fucked up with my family - there is no better feeling - being completely numb - G-d I love Football. I will post more later..........

Somehow I thought everything was going to go smoothly and we were going to be fine.

My mother bought a fancy kosher turkey this year, which I didn't realize still somehow had feather stalks all over the skin, as they were invisible and wetly smooth when I put it in the oven. I also forgot to put sage and parsley in the stuffing (only less-than-a-quarter of which is in the bird and can't be fixed).

So she spent an hour walking around pretty much accusing me of TOTALLY ALMOST RUINING dinner. I love the holidays.

(Oh man, I hope my food comes out good... or I will be most likely shot... there's a full liquor cabinet but these people are like hawks around here.)

FIRST PERSON ACCOUNT FROM MY SISTER BETH:

sO i LOCKED MY DRUG OF CHOICE IN MY SAFE- i CAN'T OPEN IT! It seems to be broken, My husband has tried. I'm going to ask my brother for a screwdriver. If we can't get it open, I won't be able to last three days! Mom is singing now. I'm taking pitcures.like I care. Have plenty of provisions, yet seem unable to acquisition them,. A little worried, but my husband says he will take care of it. Can't call Utah police. I'll get back to all of you.

Optimistic,

B.E.

My dad and I spent an hour discussing how I was going to pay back my six figure student loans with no job all the while watching our beloved Lions get Traditionally Monkeystomped. By Joey fucking Harrington, no less.

We got drunk, ate dinner, he told me I'd be a lot happier in life if I read the Bible more. And now he's asleep on my couch with a copy of Voltaire's Candide in his lap.

I'm going to get another beer.

Why the fuck are you in Utah?

+1

Your dad should hang out with my dad more. He's currently letting my little sister kick his ass in Super Mario Kart and generally avoiding everyone.

Long story short...my older brother is a pilot who moved to park city years ago.my mom retired here from la last year to be near her grandson/my nephew.it's also her 70th bday party this weekend...so im in fucking utah

Ha ha ha-here in Australia we have no such useless holiday.We do,however,have the traditional Christmas lunch/dinner-ham,turkey and all the accoutrements cooked in 40 degree heat.
I agree with the family thing too-I'd like to raise my children in jars to spare them the forced jolliness of family gatherings.

I think you are now my hero for that comment.

AND NOW A POEM FROM MY MOTHER SANDRA:

THE FAMILY IS TOGETHER
IN THIS COLD FAKACTA WEATHER
WE ATE TIL WE COULD PLOTZ
ON TRADITIONAL THANKSGIVING FARE
I DON'T DO ANY DISHES
I JUST DON'T GO THERE
I HAVE THIS REPUTATION
THAT I AM ON VACATION
THE END THE END THE END

AND NOW THANKSGIVING COMMENTARY FROM MY BROTHER-IN-LAW JOHN (he's a psychologist):

Jon, I spend so many more hours killing brain cells. I stalk them, I ambush them, at times I even execute them. Because you know, I'm tried.I'm really tired of the imposed control of my brain cells. Yeah. My brain cells have been trying to control me all my life. I've realized that I - the I that's not my brain cells (is not my right eye, either). Probably my left eye. Okay. And then, Jon says,"whatever." I say this - damn the torpedoes. Full speed ahead. Now who knows what the fuck that means. That's it.

AND NOW "PILLOW TALK" BY MY BROTHER JOSH:

And, my mom brought over an older woman (in her 70's) who is flirting with me. Curious, you ask? Thank G-d I rubbed one out this morning!!! Anyway, I am on my second Darvecet - Anybody out there for me?? Happy TG Bitches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is like the movie Home for the Holidays with Holly Hunter.

mine was really good, but then again, there was no family involved.

:-)

I don't enjoy family gatherings, either.
It's good to be reminded that this is a very common way to feel, but I believe that we should be thankful for the opportunity that will one day no longer exist, however bittersweet a "thank-you" it may be.

haha. thats why i moved to ny.