NEWS: Lonely Hearts Just Got Weirder

CULTURE: Lonely Hearts Just Got Weirder

A collection of witty and eccentric lonely hearts ads from the London Review of Books has been compiled for a new book.

David Rose, the review's advertising director who launched the personal ads in 1998, is behind They Call Me Naughty Lola – possibly one of the most memorably brilliant book titles since Is It Me or is Everything Shit?

It features some of the most bizarre ads from what's been billed as the world's funniest lonely-hearts column.

Now I’m not knocking lonely hearts columns – what else is myspace, really, if not one big, seething hotbed of personal ads? But you can’t deny it’s fun to voyeuristically enjoy the musings of the world’s loneliest (and most practical…funniest…succinct….obsessive….just plain freaky) hearts and what they have to offer. Here’s some of the best. And remember kids - they’re all still out there…

'They call me naughty Lola. Run-of-the-mill beardy physicist (M, 46).'

'I've divorced better men than you. And worn more expensive shoes than these. So don't think placing this ad is the biggest comedown I've ever had to make. Sensitive F, 34.'

'List your ten favourite albums... I just want to know if there's anything worth keeping when we finally break up. Practical, forward thinking man, 35.'

'Employed in publishing? Me too. Stay the hell away. Man on the inside seeks woman on the outside who likes milling around hospitals guessing the illnesses of out-patients. 30-35. Leeds.'

'I like my women the way I like my kebab. Found by surprise after a drunken night out and covered in too much tahini. Before long I'll have discarded you on the pavement of life, but until then you're the perfect complement to a perfect evening. Man, 32, rarely produces winning metaphors.'

'Your buying me dinner doesn't mean I'll have sex with you. I probably will have sex with you, though. Honesty not an issue with opportunistic male, 38.'

'Not everyone appearing in this column is a deranged cross-dressing sociopath. Let me know if you find one and I'll strangle him with my bra. Man, 56.'

'Are you Kate Bush? Write to obsessive man (36). Note, people who aren't Kate Bush need not respond.'

'Stroganoff. Boysenberry. Frangipani. Words with their origins in people's names. If your name has produced its own entry in the OED then I'll make love to you. If it hasn't, I probably will anyway, but I'll only want you for your body. Man of too few distractions, 32.'

'Ploughing the loneliest furrow. Nineteen personal ads and counting. Only one reply. It was my mother telling me not to forget the bread on my way home from B&Q. Man, 51.'

'Bald, short, fat and ugly male, 53, seeks short-sighted woman with tremendous sexual appetite.'

'Romance is dead. So is my mother. Man, 42, inherited wealth.'

Kind of warms your heart, doesn’t it?

yup, I esp like : 'Not everyone appearing in this column is a deranged cross-dressing sociopath. Let me know if you find one and I'll strangle him with my bra. Man, 56.' :

'List your ten favourite albums... I just want to know if there's anything worth keeping when we finally break up. Practical, forward thinking man, 35.'

that one... lol... I like that one !

*Bump*


can't believe I missed a plug for this that I didn't actually write.

doh!

Buy the book, kiddies - my children won't eat unless you do.

Fame at last!

If you buy it. I'll send you a signed photo of the authors ass.