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Jon_Kesselman

Jon_Kesselman

Brooklyn, NY
August 2006

NOV 01, 2006 01:56 PM

I knew it all along! I WIN!!!! For all of you fucks who told me that I drank too much: to my “friends” who warned me that my liver was being irrevocably damaged -- here’s a little message for you – I will PISS RED on your graves!

This morning, after checking out the NY Times front page, I discovered something I always knew deep down inside to be true; I am immortal!!!

Substance In Red Wine Extends Life Of Mice

For those of you mere mortals with Attention Deficit Disorder, let me help you out…

Researchers at the Harvard Medical School and the National Institute of Aging report that a natural substance found in red wine, known as resveratrol, offsets the bad effects of a high-calorie diet in mice and significantly extends their lifespan.

Their report, published electronically today in Nature, implies that very large daily doses of resveratrol could offset the unhealthy, high-calorie diet thought to underlie the rising toll of obesity in the United States and elsewhere, should people respond to the drug as mice do.

Resveratrol is found in the skin of grapes and in red wine and is conjectured to be a partial explanation for the French paradox, the puzzling fact that people in France to enjoy a high-fat diet yet suffer less heart disease than Americans.


Read it and weep, bitches! Fuck all y’all. It’s 11:34AM, and I’ve got 1.5 empty bottles of MD 20/20 on my desk as we speak, and I am fuuuuuuccccckkkkkeeeed upppppp! But it ain’t no thang but a chicken wang, ‘cause I can’t die, niggas! You can’t kill me, world! Know what I’m sayin’?! ‘Cause as long as the Mad Dog 20/20 keeps flowing through my veins, 24/7, I am superhuman! Eat my inner-ass lips, AA. I own your shit!

Hold on a sec, I gotta pee.

Okay, I’m back.

I am now going to make me a list…

STUFF FOR ME TO DO NOW THAT I AM A KICK-ASS IMMORTAL

1) Have unprotected sex with 76 porn stars.
2) Have unprotected anal sex with a Tiger, a Grizzly Bear, and/or a Great White Shark.
3) Shoot myself in the heart to see what that feels like.
4) Get a long-ass sword like that foreign dude from ‘Highlander,’ just in case some bitch-ass motherfucker wants to creep up on me and slice my head off!
5) Break into the MD 20/20 factory and steal all their magical elixir immortality juice!
6) Pee. Hold on one second. I have to go to the bathroom again.
7) Okay, I’m back. Where was I? Oh yeah. My list. Nah, you know what? I’m bored with this shit. I’m immortal, and I can do whatever I want. And right now, I don’t FEEL like doing this list anymore, so guess what? I won’t. You got a problem with that, biatches? Then bring it! I’m sarious, yo. I’ll mop the floor with you! I’ll get all Wolverine on your asses! Sticks and stones may break my bones, but they’ll grow back ‘cause I’m made out of Admantium, dawg!!!

Hold on. I needs to pee.

I’m back.

Yo, I just noticed something. Is it me, or is the entire website spinning? Get your shit together SG! Fuck, now it’s starting to spin faster. It’s like I’m watching a pin wheel of punk rock pussy. I’m not feeling so hot...

Hold on. I gots to puke.

After waking up in a pool of his own sick, Jon_Kesselman has no memory whatsoever of posting this article.

lilcupcake

lilcupcake

Kitchener, ON
June 2006

NOV 02, 2006 12:51 PM

lol nice...someone left a bottle here last weekend, I better get drinking biggrin

Avalon13Chase

Avalon13Chase

Baltimore, MD
June 2006

NOV 02, 2006 12:56 PM

pin wheel of punk rock pussy...priceless

thenextksmith

thenextksmith

Miami, FL
June 2006

NOV 02, 2006 01:16 PM

That was fantastical.

IgnorantProdigy

IgnorantProdigy

Naples, FL
June 2006

NOV 02, 2006 01:24 PM


Good thing it isn't found in white whine I hate that shit.

_DictionaryGirl_

_DictionaryGirl_

NEWSWIRE

San Diego, CA

NOV 02, 2006 01:38 PM

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but they'll grow back 'cause I'm made out of Admantium, dawg!!!



...and I wept with joy. love

theonlyuntakenID

theonlyuntakenID

Orlando, FL
April 2006

NOV 02, 2006 02:16 PM

Too bad it wasn't mentioned that in order to take the same amount of resveratrol as the mice, a 150 pound person would need to consume 750 - 1,500 bottles of wine a day. Talk about a hangover.

jediapocrypha

jediapocrypha

I'm lost
October 2006

NOV 02, 2006 09:32 PM

Gad.. I drank a half gallon of Livingston red once.. It took me a while. But the hangover was well worth it. If you like pain that is.

RudieCantFail

RudieCantFail

I'm lost
January 2006

NOV 02, 2006 10:30 PM

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!!

Tallboy66

Tallboy66

Chicago, IL
January 2005

NOV 02, 2006 11:20 PM

While red wine is a fave. of mine, I don't think Mad dog 20/20 is exactly the "fountain of youth". wink

_DictionaryGirl_

_DictionaryGirl_

NEWSWIRE

San Diego, CA

NOV 03, 2006 12:16 AM

tallboy66 said:
While red wine is a fave. of mine, I don't think Mad dog 20/20 is exactly the "fountain of youth". wink



I know, right?!














Everyone knows it's Night Train. bok

Jon_Kesselman

Jon_Kesselman

Brooklyn, NY
August 2006

NOV 03, 2006 09:26 AM

RudieCantFail said:
THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!!



Look at him. He's clearly fucked up on the Mad Dog.

RudieCantFail

RudieCantFail

I'm lost
January 2006

NOV 03, 2006 09:28 AM

Jon_Kesselman said:

RudieCantFail said:
THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!!



Look at him. He's clearly fucked up on MD 20/20.



Yeah, but when have you ever met a sober Scotsman?

Jon_Kesselman

Jon_Kesselman

Brooklyn, NY
August 2006

NOV 03, 2006 10:48 AM

RudieCantFail said:

Jon_Kesselman said:

RudieCantFail said:
THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!!



Look at him. He's clearly fucked up on MD 20/20.



Yeah, but when have you ever met a sober Scotsman?



Good point.

bluevalentine

bluevalentine

San Antonio, TX
December 2003

NOV 04, 2006 08:37 AM

_DictionaryGirl_ said:

tallboy66 said:
While red wine is a fave. of mine, I don't think Mad dog 20/20 is exactly the "fountain of youth". wink



I know, right?!














Everyone knows it's Night Train. bok



What's the word? THUNDERBIRD!

AndersWolleck

AndersWolleck

Astoria, NY
February 2003

NOV 04, 2006 08:57 AM

Like flowin' like nighttrain

EL_Penguino

EL_Penguino

Tampa, FL
August 2006

NOV 04, 2006 09:20 AM

hahaha, that article made my day...

JohnClement

JohnClement

Silver Spring, MD
January 2004

NOV 04, 2006 10:41 AM

_DictionaryGirl_ said:

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but they'll grow back 'cause I'm made out of Admantium, dawg!!!



...and I wept with joy. love



But it's inaccurate.


Hilarious piece, anyway.

_DictionaryGirl_

_DictionaryGirl_

NEWSWIRE

San Diego, CA

NOV 04, 2006 10:45 AM

Haverchuck said:

_DictionaryGirl_ said:

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but they'll grow back 'cause I'm made out of Admantium, dawg!!!



...and I wept with joy. love



But it's inaccurate.


Hilarious piece, anyway.



True. Sticks and stones NEVER break adamantium. But I appreciated the reference.

JohnClement

JohnClement

Silver Spring, MD
January 2004

NOV 04, 2006 10:52 AM

_DictionaryGirl_ said:

Haverchuck said:

_DictionaryGirl_ said:

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but they'll grow back 'cause I'm made out of Admantium, dawg!!!



...and I wept with joy. love



But it's inaccurate.


Hilarious piece, anyway.



True. Sticks and stones NEVER break adamantium. But I appreciated the reference.



That and I was thinking that the growing back was related to his healing power, not the presence of adamantium. Still a nice addition.

_DictionaryGirl_

_DictionaryGirl_

NEWSWIRE

San Diego, CA

NOV 04, 2006 10:57 AM

Haverchuck said:

_DictionaryGirl_ said:

Haverchuck said:

_DictionaryGirl_ said:

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but they'll grow back 'cause I'm made out of Admantium, dawg!!!



...and I wept with joy. love



But it's inaccurate.


Hilarious piece, anyway.



True. Sticks and stones NEVER break adamantium. But I appreciated the reference.



That and I was thinking that the growing back was related to his healing power, not the presence of adamantium. Still a nice addition.



Ahh, good point. Causal fallacy. Damn Wolverine and his confusing super powers. shocked

JohnClement

JohnClement

Silver Spring, MD
January 2004

NOV 04, 2006 12:04 PM

_DictionaryGirl_ said:

Haverchuck said:

_DictionaryGirl_ said:

Haverchuck said:

_DictionaryGirl_ said:

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but they'll grow back 'cause I'm made out of Admantium, dawg!!!



...and I wept with joy. love



But it's inaccurate.


Hilarious piece, anyway.



True. Sticks and stones NEVER break adamantium. But I appreciated the reference.



That and I was thinking that the growing back was related to his healing power, not the presence of adamantium. Still a nice addition.



Ahh, good point. Causal fallacy. Damn Wolverine and his confusing super powers. shocked



I know you know your comics better than me, too. I thought maybe I missed some newer development regarding adamantium since I haven't read regularly in several years.
Anyway, I'm taking away from a fantastic post.

And DG is top notch, and much more learned than me in the comics realm

DickieV

DickieV

Henderson, NV
February 2003

NOV 04, 2006 01:15 PM

BlueValentine said:


What's the word? THUNDERBIRD!



How's it sold? / Good and cold / What's the jive? / Bird's alive / What's the price? / Thirty twice.

Daven

Daven

SUICIDEGIRL

Texas, USA

NOV 07, 2006 01:02 AM

This made my night complete.