I knew it all along! I WIN!!!! For all of you fucks who told me that I drank too much: to my friends who warned me that my liver was being irrevocably damaged -- heres a little message for you I will PISS RED on your graves!

This morning, after checking out the NY Times front page, I discovered something I always knew deep down inside to be true; I am immortal!!!

Substance In Red Wine Extends Life Of Mice

For those of you mere mortals with Attention Deficit Disorder, let me help you out

Researchers at the Harvard Medical School and the National Institute of Aging report that a natural substance found in red wine, known as resveratrol, offsets the bad effects of a high-calorie diet in mice and significantly extends their lifespan.

Their report, published electronically today in Nature, implies that very large daily doses of resveratrol could offset the unhealthy, high-calorie diet thought to underlie the rising toll of obesity in the United States and elsewhere, should people respond to the drug as mice do.

Resveratrol is found in the skin of grapes and in red wine and is conjectured to be a partial explanation for the French paradox, the puzzling fact that people in France to enjoy a high-fat diet yet suffer less heart disease than Americans.

Read it and weep, bitches! Fuck all yall. Its 11:34AM, and Ive got 1.5 empty bottles of MD 20/20 on my desk as we speak, and I am fuuuuuuccccckkkkkeeeed upppppp! But it aint no thang but a chicken wang, cause I cant die, niggas! You cant kill me, world! Know what Im sayin?! Cause as long as the Mad Dog 20/20 keeps flowing through my veins, 24/7, I am superhuman! Eat my inner-ass lips, AA. I own your shit!

Hold on a sec, I gotta pee.

Okay, Im back.

I am now going to make me a list

STUFF FOR ME TO DO NOW THAT I AM A KICK-ASS IMMORTAL

1) Have unprotected sex with 76 porn stars.
2) Have unprotected anal sex with a Tiger, a Grizzly Bear, and/or a Great White Shark.
3) Shoot myself in the heart to see what that feels like.
4) Get a long-ass sword like that foreign dude from Highlander, just in case some bitch-ass motherfucker wants to creep up on me and slice my head off!
5) Break into the MD 20/20 factory and steal all their magical elixir immortality juice!
6) Pee. Hold on one second. I have to go to the bathroom again.
7) Okay, Im back. Where was I? Oh yeah. My list. Nah, you know what? Im bored with this shit. Im immortal, and I can do whatever I want. And right now, I dont FEEL like doing this list anymore, so guess what? I wont. You got a problem with that, biatches? Then bring it! Im sarious, yo. Ill mop the floor with you! Ill get all Wolverine on your asses! Sticks and stones may break my bones, but theyll grow back cause Im made out of Admantium, dawg!!!

Hold on. I needs to pee.

Im back.

Yo, I just noticed something. Is it me, or is the entire website spinning? Get your shit together SG! Fuck, now its starting to spin faster. Its like Im watching a pin wheel of punk rock pussy. Im not feeling so hot...

Hold on. I gots to puke.

After waking up in a pool of his own sick, Jon_Kesselman has no memory whatsoever of posting this article.

lilcupcake

Kitchener, ON

June 2006

NOV 02, 2006 12:51 PM

lol nice...someone left a bottle here last weekend, I better get drinking

Avalon13Chase

Baltimore, MD

June 2006

NOV 02, 2006 12:56 PM

pin wheel of punk rock pussy...priceless

thenextksmith

Miami, FL

June 2006

NOV 02, 2006 01:16 PM

That was fantastical.

IgnorantProdigy

Naples, FL

June 2006

NOV 02, 2006 01:24 PM

Good thing it isn't found in white whine I hate that shit.

_DictionaryGirl_

NEWSWIRE

San Diego, CA

NOV 02, 2006 01:38 PM

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but they'll grow back 'cause I'm made out of Admantium, dawg!!!

...and I wept with joy.

theonlyuntakenID

Orlando, FL

April 2006

NOV 02, 2006 02:16 PM

Too bad it wasn't mentioned that in order to take the same amount of resveratrol as the mice, a 150 pound person would need to consume 750 - 1,500 bottles of wine a day. Talk about a hangover.

jediapocrypha

I'm lost

October 2006

NOV 02, 2006 09:32 PM

Gad.. I drank a half gallon of Livingston red once.. It took me a while. But the hangover was well worth it. If you like pain that is.

RudieCantFail

I'm lost

January 2006

NOV 02, 2006 10:30 PM

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!!

Tallboy66

Chicago, IL

January 2005

NOV 02, 2006 11:20 PM

While red wine is a fave. of mine, I don't think Mad dog 20/20 is exactly the "fountain of youth".