NEWS: True Stories by Rob Corddry: Halloween is the Karaoke of Holidays

CULTURE: True Stories by Rob Corddry: Halloween is the Karaoke of Holidays

Halloween is the karaoke of holidays. It’s for people who normally don’t get to use the “costume” side of their brains. These people usually like game nights as well. Conversely, Halloween is for people who wear costumes a little too often. These people like theme parties and usually have sex with more than one person at a time. I like these people way better than the first group, but I would never get financial advice from them.

Halloween is also for children who like candy. That includes all children except the ones with The Diabetes. What a funny disease, huh? You can’t eat sugar? The only thing that’s not funny about diabetes is that the inflicted have a shorter life expectancy. And they can’t drink as much alcohol. What’s sadder than a kid that can’t drink alcohol? How do they take Communion?

Halloween is also for Wiccans. Wicca is a Neopagan religion made popular by Stevie Nicks. Wiccans dress up in robes and worship things like The Air and Mother Earth and Fat Ladies. Wiccans also like to have sex with more than one person at a time. They frequent Renaissance Fairs and grow anachronistic beards. They read J.R.R Tolkien’s other books and drive Subaru’s. Most Wiccans were molested as children. That is a Fact!

Halloween is also for girls who like to dress up as sluts. Sorry, WOMEN who like to dress up as sluts. I was driving down Highland in my Acura (that’s an entry-level luxury sedan!) when I saw two chicks (sorry, WOMEN) walking down the street arm in arm. One was dressed in orange and black tights. She also wore a tight corset and fuck-me eye makeup. My wife pointed out that she was wearing flats, which really ruined the effect. I mean, if you’re going to slut-it-up in public you can’t phone-in the shoes! If you don’t break an ankle on Halloween night you ain’t doing it right! Wow, I should write that down. The other woman was dressed either as a slutty Minnie Mouse, or Jennifer Tilly.

Halloween is also for alcoholic pedophiles. It’s the only day of the year they can get drunk and give little children candy. In fact, it’s encouraged! They ask funny questions like, “What are you dressed as?”, and “Which one is your Mommy”, and “Want to come in and play with the buttons on my remote control?”. What a crazy holiday!

Juvenile delinquents like Halloween. Democrats tend to enjoy Halloween more than Republicans. Handicapped people like Halloween more than normal people but only because they are just happy to be alive or something. Halloween is also for people who enjoy Thanksgiving because, like, “Only about three more weeks!”.

Most of all, Halloween is a holiday for people who like to get scared. These people enjoy horror movies and get married on roller coasters. They drink Mountain Dew and watch documentaries about sharks. They also collect action figures, putting them in the same genus as Wiccans and child molesters. Child Molesters wear costumes as part of their job. See? We’re not so different after all! It takes a village! All I’m saying is, I would love to have sex with more than one person at a time.

The End??

Rob Corddry is an actor. He lives in Los Angeles with his wife and daughter.

Awesome.

Ah Mr. Corddry, you crack me up. Good luck with the orgiastic aspirations.

Christ I laugh (or LOLed if you're in a hurry) over that one, mainly because everyone knows they're really dead inside.
I'm also pretty sure that the women who like to dress up as sluts also have sex with multiple people, but you might need to be good at a sport to take advantage of that.

Brilliant observation, sir!

I love Halloween. Now I understand why. Thanks, Rob.

So there is life after The Daily Show......writing for Suicidegirls.com?? How did you draw that parallel??

Love you though man. Nice to see you can still be funny without John Stewart writing your material.

Think you'll be offered a talking part in Old School 2!!??

"a slutty Minnie Mouse, or Jennifer Tilly."

hahahaa. holy shit. Rob rules. This
thing is hillarious.

"Handicapped people like Halloween more than normal people but only because they are just happy to be alive or something."

This reminds me of one of my favorite jokes:

Little Johnny (kids are always "Little Johnny" in jokes) goes trick or treating and knocks on his first door. A woman answers the door, "That's a cute costume, what are you supposed to be?" Little Johnny responds, "I'm a pyit." "You're a what?" the woman replies. "A pyit," Little Johnny says. The lady finally gets it. "Ohhh, you're a PIRATE!!!" "Well, if you're a pirate," the woman asks, "where are your buccaneers?" Little Johnny replies, "My buckin' ears on my buckin' head!"

Ahhhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha hahahahahaha!!!!

*golf clap*

Next time I write an essay this is definately going to be my conclusion as well. Regardless of the topic.

All true.



^^Al Gore

fucking amazing

I love Al Gore. Please run!!

Shit, you cats are nice. Except for the Bing guy. He's kind of a douche. Kind of.

that was great to read.

also, hillarious profile shot.

This, so far, is the best thing about Halloween.

Is that you showing a little boy the buttons on your remote control?

Solid gold.

hey, one of those piles of blow sort of resembled the face on mars...

I'm spooked now.

Mr. Corddry. I miss you as a correspondent on the Daily Show. The Brit, "I'm a PC", Kumar and Sgt. Slaughter's nephew just don't do it for me. Samantha Bee is still great.

"... a slutty Minnie Mouse, or Jennifer Tilly."
"... They drink Mountain Dew and watch documentaries about sharks." -- GOOD stuff