NEWS: True Stories by Rob Corddry: How Not to Wash Yourself

CULTURE: True Stories by Rob Corddry: How Not to Wash Yourself

Chiropractors have huge cocks. Everyone knows that. I mean, how else could they sling all that fruity bullshit and still feel good about themselves? My chiropractor must have a massive dick. I know because he told me about “energy subluxations” and gave me a relaxation CD to listen to. I mean…what a shlong on this guy, right?

What I’m trying to say is this: Never sneeze while drying off your back after a shower. Not a lot of people know that your towel muscle is directly connected to both your allergy-bone and lumbar spine. To those people I say, “Buy a dictionary! Jeez!”

What? There are more masculine ways to throw out your back? Well that’s really condescending! Keep reading guy.

So, I’m in the middle of a pretty kick-ass shower and I am rinsing my shit off, hardcore. The water is extra hot because I’m no fag, bring it on! Just then, one of the twins says, “Rob, can I get the number of the sculptor that etched your calves? I’m thinking of commissioning a “The Thinker” for my herb garden.” I tell her to fuck off and I grab the soap because I’ve been in this position before and I KNOW my neck isn’t going to wash its self! Imagine if it could? Man, how crazy would that be? I’d have the cleanest neck in town! I’d buy my neck a monogrammed washcloth and I’d teach it to sing while it washed itself. You know how good your voice sounds in the shower? I imagine that my neck, not having much of a voice to begin with, would merely sound “passable”. Fuck it though, right? Give my neck a break! Yeah, that’s right. I said “Twins”.

So I’m in the shower with twins who have nothing against fucking. Where’s my wife? I don’t know, probably breast-feeding or something. She’s always doing that…maybe too much. Anyway. I show the twins my ink. I show the twins my piercings. I show the twins my ice (I never take off my ice). Then, I show the twins why I can’t wear slacks that contain more than 2% polyester (if you get my drift). By the time the hot water runs out (I live in a pre-war building) the girls are laughing and crying at the same time. I always end a shower with a really sad joke.

Now here’s where shit gets totally gnarl-bags. I hop the shower door (opening it is for pussies) and immediately grab my new moisturizer. I’m really excited about trying this stuff. It’s a full body job that I don’t mind using on my face. You know my deal…

I’m mad spreading that shit out when the twins realize they can just open the shower door, they don’t have to hop it like “Awesome-King”, which is a new nickname I created for myself that I’m trying to spread around. If you see me on the street and call me “Awesome-King” you will totally win a prize. And the word “prize” is synonymous with “make-out session”. Next Paragraph!

So the girls finally find themselves on the non-business side of the shower door just as I’m getting psyched up to dry off my back. That’s when I see them in the mirror. Have you ever seen twins in the mirror? Do yourself a favor, but only if you like getting your mind blown Pink Floyd style.

So I’m tripping on this shit like I’m in a fun-house when I decide (wrongly) that it’s time to dry off my back. That’s also the moment I realize that I’m allergic to Aveeno Positively Radiant™ Daily Moisturizer with Total Soy Complex. I continue to towel off as I start to sneeze. That’s when my back decides to take a powder. You know what? Sneezing is nothing like an orgasm! Fuck the French.

Two days later and I’m ass deep in the Los Angeles chiropractor scene. The twins are gone, my wife is nowhere in sight (probably boob-feeding, I swear she’s addicted!) and I’m being told that my recovery depends on the analysis and correction of osseus and soft tissue subluxations. He performs a Directional Non-Force™ Correction, prescribes me Valerian Root and tells me to listen to my relaxation CD. He then smiles like he didn’t say the fruitiest thing ever. I mean what a dong on this guy, huh?

*On Friday, October 6th Rob Corddry threw out his back while toweling off after a shower.

Rob Corddry is an actor. He lives in Los Angeles with his wife and daughter.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!

Fucking ace!!!

If you sneeze at the same time you orgasm you achieve enlightenment. True fact.

That was the best.

ha! funny stuff you write!

but sorry about the back thing.

you should see a "straight" chiropractor...none of the new-age bullshit

but they will adjust you and you will feel better. trust me

dude, you rocked that....one of my friends is a chiropractor and i swear to god, dude is either gay or has a package that Catherine the Great would enjoy.

either way, dude is a fruity bitch

Having Rob Corddry write for the site is so fucking cool.

The sneez-o-gasm is actually credited with convincing Gandhi to stop trying to get his demo out there and instead give nonviolent disobedience a shot.

Incredibly funny. What a great to cover a sad truth with even sadder fiction.

that's how I did it...

My day = made.

I'm sooo not getting into my "picking up the socks after a shower" story... fucking socks.

Ha! Jeez...

Something similar happened to me...

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

in prison.

You are MISTER Awesome King.

(Which probably makes me fruity now that I think about it, but, eh, life's too short not to be a little fruity now and then.)

I'm a chiropractor. I also have a huge cock.

Point = Made.

Wih this new wisdom, I can finally take a shower without fear of injury. Thank you Rob. Of course now I need to get a shower door instead of a curtain so I can hop it, and not be a pussy.

lol, Rob. Good stuff.

funny fucking shit

8:02 PM, and I thought my day was going to be total shit until I read that.

Absolutely brilliant.

I think Chiropractors are full of BS, but you can make up your own mind.

At best it's a pretty much a massage and at its worst can cause some rare complications.

Funny article though.

Shouldn't the title be "How not to dry yourself?"

The washing part seemed to go great.

Don't be a pussy bitch, and hop your curtain.