Advice for an emotionally masochistic friend.

This tale is long and spans many years so I'll try to break it down real simple like.

Met Jeremy about (6th grade or so?) 12-13 years ago, no one seems to remember how long exactly. Ever since we first traded Legos been best or damn good friends, almost brothers.
----fast forward to middle school-------
Jeremy enters ROTC (to start his dream of being a slave to the US Army) and meets a girl. Relationship is short lived but does something to him, it creates a need to be in a relationship from that point on.
----fast forward to highschool, senior year------
Jeremy meets the girl of his dreams. He thinks she's gods personal gift to him. They make a great couple, she's a good girl and everyone is pretty cool with her. Even strict mom doesn't hate her too much. They get engaged, Jeremy goes to boot camp and when he gets back their going to marry. Jeremy gets back to find her married.... to some other guy.

Jeremy is pretty much fucked over more than I've seen anyone ever. It completely blindsided him, NO ONE saw it, no one could of. It was the most random bizzare thing I've ever seen happen.

So now Jeremy is screwed, BIG TIME. He's got this need to be in a relationship but is now doomed to pick the worst possible girls.
---fast forward a few years----
He meets the girl from hell and thinks she's the best thing since sunlight. Thing is, she manipulates him at every turn uses him for everything she can and gives him nothing in return but the sense of being in a relationship.

He's in the Army now and they get married (bad idea.) He gets deployed to Iraq only to find out while oever there that she's been cheating on him (another long story on how he found out, doesn't matter how, he did though.) He gets to come back to visit and turns out she's been the lil town whore. Not one guy but... well hell... no one really knows how many she's been with. She has a child! Huzzah! Guess what? Yeah, you got it, not his.

Well this is where things get really complicated and nasty. But the moral of the story from here on out is that he with her on and off for the next six months and still to this day. He's with her then he finds out she has cheated on him again, and again, aaand again. She's done it so many times now with so many guys it's a WONDER they haven't created new STDs (maybe they have....)

And every time he finds out (which is almost weekly now) I see him get in this slump looking like he wants to die but then he just goes back for more.

How do I help his dumb ass?

He enjoys it.

You can't help someone who doesn't want it.

No, he doesn't enjoy it. What he enjoys is the drama, yet... not really. He grew up in an instable home so to him a relationship filled with drama is a good one. Deep down he loathes it, I can see that plain as day.

I've seen him with good girls and it's great, something happens though. His first true love was a great girl she just... hell, I don't even know what happened there. But I can ensure you, he doesn't truly enjoy it at all.

Here's the thing, though- you can't live someone's life for them, and you can't make decisions for someone else. All you can do is tell him what you see. It's up to him to change it.

I'm with Stan. A wise man once said...."action is action"

It's just sad seeing him do it to himself. It's like watching someone shoot themself in the knee, getting better and going to do it again... over and over.

Dr. Drew is amazing.

And yeah, just like the girl that grows up being beaten won't leave her abussive boyfriend because it's whats normal to her. Or the guy that knew nothing but anger from his father will more than likely go on to show his girlfriend, wife, the same sort of messed up 'affection.'

He enjoys it the same way some people enjoy burning themselves or getting beat.

Shalome is correct. It is his sense of normality and nothing will change until he realizes this fact. Unfortunately, the PhDs I know believe there is no way to convince someone to see this. They will just wake up one day (in a year, 10 years, 50 years) and slap themselves in the forehead...after which 90% of the battle is won.

His behavior is apparently deeply engrained. Even his first love met the mold (being inherently unreliable and leaving him in an abusive and faithless way) ...but (likely because they were so young) it had not yet become an obvious pattern for her. I would be curious to see if she was still with this same person she left him for.

Regardless, you could seek out a therapist (please go MS/MA or PhD level...BS/BAs are usually lacking) and try an intervention. It has little to no chance of real success...but it's about the only thing you could do.

After that, learn to love him as he is. If it is too difficult for you, separate...'cause there's little you can do about his behavioral self destructiveness.

Yeah, it's been hard for myself, his family and friends. Everyone is just fed up with it, they're all sick and tired of hearing the same story in different words every week. It's sad that he's pretty much shut out his whole family and basically all his friends due to something he can't seem to control.

I've considered an intervntion. I've even thought of going to the great length of creating a fake myspace (something he and she adore,) talking to her long enough for her to want get physical with this persona I'd created then showing him how easily she'll drop her pants. But I doubt even that'd work.

Some have told me (the "some" being young male co-workers) that he needs to go out and "man-whore it up." But I don't think that'd help. I've heard plenty a story where someone goes out for rebound sex and I don't think I've ever heard of it working out very good.

My advice to him has been cut ALL contact with her. Get her phone blocked, erase and delete all texts, emails, anything and everything. Erase her as much as he possibly can so all that he's left with are memories. Not things that remind him of her.

Maybe that's what'll have to happen.

He just needs to grow the fuck up, and he probably will. I was a total moron until the age of 29.

http://suicidegirls.com/boards/Lifestyle/103262/

One of those serendipitous moments.

sorry.

I have little clue as to why certain people behave in a self-destructive or self-harming manner. That is something I leave to the psychological erudites. All I arm myself with is the knowledge that, if a self-harming behaviour isn't transient (i.e. it's a psychological pattern that repeats itself over the years) then there's nothing I can do other than to offer a shoulder to cry on and perhaps some positive, constructive advice. But ultimately I don't get intimately involved in these emotional quagmires, because trying to force people to own up and face their behaviour usually feeds into the pattern or causes great emotional distress and chaos for everyone.

From what I've seen, meddling in people's lives, using tricks to get them to 'see sense', can make situations worse. It's the old psychology parable of the guy who's sinking in quicksand: if you jump in to help him, you'll also be trapped in the quicksand. It sounds harsh, but it is definitely true (especially when dealing with people who have personality disorders, and I've dealt with a few of them). Sometimes these behaviours which we regard as emotional ailments are really a part of the individual's personality, and there isn't any amount of convincing that can change a fundamental mindset. Short of an exorcism, that is.

In short, it's not the girls he's dated, no matter how uniquely cruddy each one was. It's him, and no untrained outsider can snap him out of the cycle. My advice in these kinds of situations is always to keep a caring, but ultimately distanced, relationship. Help out where you can, be a much-needed positive and stable influence in his life, but don't take it on yourself to try and change an emotional disorder, because if he can't fix it himself or with the help of a counsellor, chances are a well-meaning friend won't be able to fix it, either.

How clueless is a guy who comes back home and has no idea his fiancee is actually married. How good of a relationship could they have had. Its odd how someone could place their personal value with someone they obviously dont really know very well. Perhaps he should try looking at a relationship as a friendship first and not a gift from god.

In many ways, flinty's right.

In this case, all you can do is be the best friend you can...while continuing to protect yourself (see flinty's comment about the quicksand.)

The analogy I use is gorillas. You can love and admire them within a certain distance...but if you let them in too close, you're just going to get torn up. You have to keep yourself far enough out of it to prevent getting torn to pieces by the nonsense.

It may help...but the intervention would only have value if taking the form of, "We see you continually re-entering into this - and similar - relationships which leave you devastated. It's time to seek help to find out why you feel you deserve to continue in this destructive cycle. We want you to meet Dr. <so-and-so>. He/she specializes in destructive relationships. We've paid for the first session...which is now.

You're right. It won't work. He's quite aware of her predisposition to drop on a dime. The issue is why he accepts the behavior and prefers to be involved with women (not just her) who demonstrate it. The issue is internal to him. It really has nothing to do with her.

Would be completely useless, and add to his destructive behavior. Akin to switching from alcoholism to narcotics. Same issue...different substance. In all likelihood, it would simply exacerbate the internal issues that have left him in this relationship...but would give her something to hold over him, which she would eventually use as a tool to maintain the status quo (her abusing him.) If his internal issues are guilt based...it would deepen her lock on him, not loosen it.

Probably the thing to do...once he has decided he wants to do it. Until he wants it...it is meaningless.

Of course, even if he DOES want it...and does it...he will need to resolve his internal issues that led him to her in the first place. Otherwise, he'll just find ANOTHER "her" and start over. That's why addict recovery programs of all kinds (of which he qualifies...addicted to abusive women) require you steer clear of any relationship for 1 year after being "sober". You have to sort out what leads you into the addiction first.

I hope sooner than later.

This all seems much simpler to me than it perhaps should.

Your friend is extremely codependent.

Find a way to get him to forswear romantic relationships for a while. If you can, then he will have no other option but to grow himself, instead of glomming hopelessly onto the first thing with long hair and a pretty voice.

In the meantime, he will have this consistent compulsion to attach to other human beings - and who's he going to hook up with but other people with consistent compulsions to attach to other human beings?