NEWS: Jonathan Kesselman's Suicide Watch: Swiss Family Mohammed

CULTURE: Jonathan Kesselman's Suicide Watch: Swiss Family Mohammed

Recently it came to my attention that the Turkish school curriculum has begun to feature Islamified versions of classic childrens' stories.

I tend to agree with these Turkish publishing houses -- many of these “classic” pieces of literature have gotten just a tad bit stale. So, SG readers, for this weeks “Suicide Watch,” I, Jonathan Kesselman, have decided to try my hand at tinkering with a few of my favorite stories…

1) Animal Farm

This book must be banned! Pigs are unholy, filthy, swine!

2) Morty Glick (AKA Moby Dick)

Ishamael narrates the tale of Captain A-rab, the tyrannical skipper of the Pequod. A-rab is driven by a monomaniacal desire to kill Morty Glick, the Infidel Jew who took his leg. Also, there’s a big, white whale that swims and stuff.

3) Portnoy’s Complaint

Alexander Portnoy rants about his sex life for exactly one sentence. He is then shot in the head by a soldier of Allah; the rest of the book consists of 300 blank pages.

4) Pippi Longstocking

Pippi Longstocking, a super-strong, red-headed, pig-tailed, budding lesbian is the head of a Swedish terrorist cell. Pippi instructs her beloved next-door neighbors, Tommy and Annika, in the science of bomb building and the logistics of orchestrating a suicide attack. All of this is, of course, funded by her father, Efraim, who is having intercourse with Mr. Nilsson.

5) Of Mice And Men

Lennie and George toil on a farm in Salinas, California. An anxious Lennie often asks George to tell him about their future. George placates Lennie by telling him that someday they’ll get a farm of their own where they’ll “live offa the fatta the lan’.” -- after that they’ll blow up the Empire State Building on behalf of the merciful Allah, killing themselves in the process. Lennie will be able to pet all 72 of his virgins in heaven.

6) To Kill and Mock A Jew

Self-explanatory.

7) Lolita

Humbert Humbert-Ali becomes infatuated with his stepdaughter. He marries her, brutally rapes and beats her, slashes her face so that no other man will ever want anything to do with his property, and then eventually sells her on the black market. Everyone’s cool with it.

8) Crime And Punishment

A megalomaniacal Russian contractor believes he is “super-human,” and takes a job re-building schools in Bagdhad. He is kidnapped by members of Al-Qaeda for his crime, and is subsequently beheaded. His death is captured on video and distributed on an Islamic Website. A kid in Omaha downloads it, recuts it to Ok Go’s ‘Here It Goes Again,’ and distributes it on You Tube. The video gets 200 million hits, the kid in Omaha is courted by all of the major film studios, and signs a 3 picture deal with Warner Brothers.

9) Are You There God Allah, It’s Me, Margaret

Margaret, a pre-teen with one Christian Parent, and one Jewish Zionist Pig Parent, is conflicted about finding her one true religion. In the story, she also buys her first bra, has her first period, and performs exercises with her girlfriends in an attempt to increase her bust size. At school, she meets a wise teacher named Dr. Abdullah Yusuf Azzam. He instructs her in the ways of Islam. She converts, murders her Infidel parents, and switches from belted sanitary napkins to maxi-pads.

10) War And Peace

There will be no peace, only war, until the Infidels of the West and the Zionist Scourge convert to Islam or are eradicated from the planet!

Now it's your turn, dear SG readers. In the comments section below, throw out some ideas of your own. Not only is it a lot of fun, but young Islamic fundamentalist minds need your shaping!!!...

(I would like to extend a special thank you to SG editor Helen_Jupiter for turning me on to the Telegraph article.)

Jon_Kesselman is the filmmaker responsible for THE HEBREW HAMMER. He is currently co-writing and directing Odd Todd for Paramount, writing and directing The Orbit Of Bob for Nickelodeon, and producing Confessions Of An Ivy League Bookie with Andrew Fierberg and Steven Shainberg. Incidentally, he is also sexy, devilishly handsome, super-smart, brilliantly funny, sexy, and exceedingly modest.

have to say ... one kick ass article ...

Incidently those books would go well with the persian version of barbie and her mantou

Reminds me of the cartoon smurfs and the link to the USSR. S.M.U.R.F.
Soviet Men Under Red Father according to the consipiracy theory.

Look at the cartoon and decide for your self. The smurf society in general, the smurfs that were the outcasts. The greedy gold hunger of Gargamel and Azrael to catch the smurfs and destroy their way of life. Western culture verse the USSR culture and government.

It is a bit out there in thought I know, however it does show how we teach our children our own thoughts and ideas from birth.

/2 cents

Contemporary history. Islam is finally recognized as a virulent communicable disease affecting the brain. Turkey is kept out of the European Union for another century.

its not completely off track. The Smurfs were original a belgian comic book by Peyo. and for him it was a place where he coudl satirize politics much more so than the american cartoon

Nope, no stereotypes in this news story.

hehe, i chuckled so much...





thank you dude

and the gold medal for misunderstanding of sarcasm goes to........

The Brainwashed Heathen.

While I find the altering of classic literature stupid, your comments, although masked in sarcasm, are equally stupid and, more importantly, blatantly ignorant and racist. You're a disgusting human being Mr. Kesselman, no better than the ignorant extremists who categorize Jews, Christians, Atheists, Blacks, Mexicans or any other group of people into racist/classist stereotypes.

Not too into humor, are we? Really, what was so fucking offensive here?

"Culture Editor"?? Fuck.

I have a large nose and thick hair. It so happens I am a big ol' Semite.

sue me.

Hmm...perpetuating ethnic and religious stereotypes through humor? It's still bigotry. Would you feel the same if the post used black stereotypes (eating watermelon and barbeque and inability to swim) or jewish stereotypes (cheap, whiney). It doesn't make it any more okay just because its presented as a joke. Is a joke that perpetuates a black stereotype any less racist just because it's a joke? Or is it just okay in this case because it's apparently acceptable in this country to bash Muslims and Arabs?

I agree with you. It's not okay in this country to poke fun at anybody -- especially Islamic Fundamentalists. They have feelings, too, and I was wrong. I would like to go on record and apologize to any of the Islamic Fundamentalists I have offended. I'm super-sorry.



JK

Yes, but you weren't just making fun of fundamentalists were you? It's not like you singled out fundamentalists. Your comments, sarcastic as they were, perpetuate the stereotype that ALL muslims are fundamentalist, jew-hating, terrorist nut-jobs.

Yes, he was. Just because you missed that part doesn't mean it wasn't there. Read for context, then get your panties in a bunch if you have to.

I understood the sacrasm just fine, thanks. That the OP was being sarcastic doesn't change the fact that he's dealing in stereotypes.

Wait, they aren't?

/just kidding

Me: "Yes, but you weren't just making fun of fundamentalists were you? It's not like you singled out fundamentalists."

Pointblank: "Yes, he was. Just because you missed that part doesn't mean it wasn't there. Read for context, then get your panties in a bunch if you have to."

Just to humor you I re-read the post. I still only see bigotry and stereotyping. Sorry. Get my panties in a bunch? That's cute. Very intelligent. Did you think of that while you were pumping iron with your bros?

Since nobody's taken a stab at creating their own adaptation, I'll oblige....

NAKED LUNCH

Little Georgie Bush and his beat scene buddies, poet Jm J Bullock and budding author/ soon to be icon to all carefree drifters, Randall "Tex" Cobb, are sitting in an Alphabet City diner sharing their latest creations with each other and dreaming of the day when other young artists will be sitting at diners discussing said creations. Tex, playing a little gag on Georgie, shoves a little powder filled vial in front of him, saying, "Check this shit out, Dubya!". Well, Georgie, not being one to approach things with much examination, pops it open, dumps it in a pile on the table, and proceeds to bury his face in it Tony Montana style. Raising up with an even more confused look on his face than usual, he here's Jm J getting out the words, in between giggles, "That was roach powder, dumbass!" , as he fades off into a new reality.

When he comes to, it's as if one of the stories he wrote in his "cut-up" period has come to life, because he is on the white house lawn in front of throngs of press giving a speech about some country called, Iraq, that makes absolutely no sense at all. Never having been an especially good reader or orator, he accidentally says," We must obey the courts!" instead of "We must stay the course!", and a huge jolt of electricity goes through his body, while he stammers, " I mean, what I'm trying to say is...under most...except in this current presentness of a situation...at this time.".

He spends each day waiting to come down from this nightmare of responsibility and return to Jm and Tex and their carefree "buhemian" lifestyle.

About six months before his second term is up, a miracle happens. Congress votes unanimously to impeach him, and he is tried and criminally convicted for war crimes, violating the constitution, and falsifying documents that were the impetus for our decision to go to war in the first place.

He is ecstatic, because they have sentenced him to a prison where, lo and behold, Jm J and Tex are both serving time for breaking the anti-sodomy law he had passed while in office. He smiles dimwittedly and thinks to himself, "After all these years, I'm still the luckiest guy I know!"....