Advice on some girl I'm seeing

Okay, I don't need advice about hooking up with girls or anything.... I'm already seeing one, but that's where the problem is....

So, anyway, I met this girl through a friend of mine at this benefit party for the Anarchist Book Fair here. She's a stripper and she's pretty sexy.... She's totally crazy about me.... That's the good part.... She made all the first moves -- she offered me her phone number and suggested I call. Later she kissed me, and I got carried away and kissed back. Later still she seduced me. I got swept away at first, but now I'm less sure about whether this is a good thing or not.

We've only been seeing each other a short amount of time, and she's completely in love with me already. She wants me to be her boyfriend, and she even suggested that I move in with her (I don't have a job, and I've been worried about not having enough money for my place.) She wants to have sex with me all the time -- like six times a day. (We did once, but that much is a little bit too much even for me -- I was sure tired after that.)

The big problem is that I definitely don't feel as strongly about her as she does about me. It's not that I don't like hanging out with her or I don't thing she's sexy, or I don't feel love for her -- I do, but I'm not sure I'm in love with her like she is with me. I'm not really sure how I feel about her. In some ways she's not really the type of girl I'm normally into -- she dresses pretty normal and doesn't have crazy hair or anything. She's a bit less extreme, and I'm not really sure she's the right girl for me. I start to think about this a lot when we spend a lot of time together, but then on nights like this when I'm alone at home, I start to get lonely and think about her.

I don't know whether it's just that I'm not into this girl, or if my life is so harsh right now that I'm not really capable of feeling those kinds of emotions. I've got a lot going on -- chronic illnesses, prolonged unemployment and economic distress, recovering from my last relationship (which lasted 3 1/2 years and ended really badly -- I've had about a year to do that), and I've got instability in my living situation to top all of that -- I'm staying at my parents place with remodeling going on and constant noise -- enough stress there to distract anyone. (Did I mention that most of the money I do make right now, I make working for my ex-girlfriend -- out of necessity?)

I'm also not sure I want to stay in this area to be with her. All of my attempts to find a job have failed for the last six months or so, and I'm starting to run out of benefits to hold me by completely. My only success has been doing free-lance stuff like auctioning stuff off for artists on eBay, but I'm not getting much money from that. It's really expensive to live here, and I've been thinking about moving to somewhere cheaper, where my money can buy more, like Portland or Eugene, Oregon, and doing my freelance stuff there. I'm getting to this point where I can't stay at my parents place much longer and I've got to make some decision about where I want to be, find a place, and move all my stuff there. It's like impending doom looming over the horizon.

So anyway, I've told her this much, that I don't feel as strongly about her as she does about me, and that I'm still thinking of going up to Oregon, but she still hopes to win over my heart completely. She doesn't expect me to be monogamous with her (I've never been in a monogamous relationship before), so that's not an issue, it's more about the extent to which we plan our lives around each other.

I'm just not quite sure what to do -- it's all too much for me to deal with. I've never been in a situation like this before, and I've got so much going on, that I can't even sort out my own feelings. The people I normally rely on for advice are too busy or unavailable -- the main person I normally confide in is the friend who introduced the two of us, so I can't exactly expect her to be impartial -- so I would appreciate any advice people can give me on how to handle the situation.

Now if I decide to go to Oregon, that's the easy escape route that makes all of this go away -- but what I don't do that? What if I want to stay around here, but I still don't think she's right for me -- or how can I be sure whether she is or not? I don't know if this just needs more time, because she's rushing things, or what.

Oh yeah, did I mention that she likes to spend all the big bucks she makes from stripping on me -- I'm also kind of worried that I'm going to get enticed too much by the money, since I don't have much. She also wanted me to be in a porno with her, which I wouldn't object to out of any kind of principle, because I need the money so bad, but that's kind of funny, huh?... not the first thing you normally ask somebody to do with you.

Did I mention we're both Geminis? I think I've got too much of that Gemini two-mindedness.... One side of me feels like I need her, and the other side worries that she's not right for me.


So that's the end of your weekly drama with Melchizedek. Thanks for tuning in. -blip-

Hmm, sexy, fun girl with no big faults falls in love with you.
I'd say stick with her and be honest, maybe you
will find your self in a better situation than you had imagined.
If it doesn't work out, as long as you where honest about your feelings then you should have little to no guilt.

* why do things always sound so simple on paper? *



[Edited on Apr 24, 2003 by lindex]

you didn't say how long you've been "seeing" her (or maybe you did and i missed it -- i'm notorious for not reading thoroughly sometimes), but it sounds like she's trying to make a rather intense leap in a very short amount of time. i'd be wary of that.

regardless, it's good that you've been pretty much straight with her about how you feel -- you owe it to both of you to be honest. if she doesn't seem swayed, there's not a lot you can do except stand firm on your convictions and if she can't handle it then you may have to cut her loose.

anyway, that's how it seems to me. not that i'm a fuckin' expert here or anything.

It's only been about a week. That's why I feel like she's trying to rush things. It was like the second time I was with her after the night that we kissed when she started talking like that.

you need to read "pimp" by iceberg slim. it's about the only that can help you at this point.

LOL

My advice is to pick up boxes from Kinko's. They usually have a bunch lying around.

Well, at least that will help me move out of my parents' house.... I don't know about any of the other stuff.

Dude, this may sound harsh, but I say break it off with her. She's clearly go a whole lot of issues of her own (saying she loves you in a week? Wanting you to move in with her?) and it sounds like if you don't do it now, you'll be regretting it later. It also sounds like you've got a few things you need to sort out too (NEVER been in a monogamous relationshipt? What is that?), so I wouldn't advise you to get involved with someone who sounds to me like they're going to turn into the dangerous stalker type later on. Whatever you decide to do, good luck man. Hope things work out.

dude, get the fuck out while you can. ive dated several girls like this. if they tell you they love you that quick, all of a sudden the bottom drops out when you least expect it like 6 months down the road. so id get out now, because really, its doomed

Hey dude, when you blow it off do you think you can introduce me,.... I need an emotionally dependent, intoxicatingly sexual, stripper to freeload off of who doesn't mind if I bang other chicks.

Personally, I think it would be a bad idea to continue your relationship, so can you give me a buzz when you break up with her....I need more bad ideas in my life.

I think they meant grab a box and live in it, I dunno

First off yes I've asked many guys to be in pornos with me, so I wouldn't say it's too uncommon but then again I am not a common girl.
Second, things that move that quick hardly last.
Third, don't stay where you are just because of a girl, your pursuits will probably prove fruitful elsewhere.
Fourth, we'd love to have you here in Portland.

Hope that helps somewhat

I think they meant grab a box and live in it, I dunno

First off yes I've asked many guys to be in pornos with me, so I wouldn't say it's too uncommon but then again I am not a common girl.
Second, things that move that quick hardly last.
Third, don't stay where you are just because of a girl, your pursuits will probably prove fruitful elsewhere.
Fourth, we'd love to have you here in Portland.

Hope that helps somewhat

Run...Run.....Run

chop off her head. bury her in the desert.

Here's the thing, if you can't find a job there and somehow find something away from her, then you have an opportunity to get away from her and see how dedicated she really is. After all, if she truly does "love you," then she's willing to do everything in her power to stay with you, no matter where you go. Also, remember that if she really does love you in, then she'll be happy knowing you are happy, correct? I think truly loving someone means you can let go of them when they choose to do so.

In cases like this where you need to care about survival and well-being, think with your head, not your heart or other head. If I always thought with my head, I'd be happier, have better grades, and feel better about myself. But hey, it's your choice, right?

And dude, six times a day? My prayers go out for the well-being of your family jewels. Wait, I've heard of some guys that manage to masturbate 6 times a day... eh, nevermind

What I meant was that you are 25 jobless and live with your mom. I would straight up tell her that you don't know what love is, and in the end you may only be capable of being a fuck-buddy. Then move in with her.

At age 25, it's better to be a kept man, with a girl who you like enough to get down with, than to sponge off your mom and dad. That's just kinda lame.






[Edited on Apr 25, 2003 by amadio]

Yeah, this girl is pretty young. She's 20.... And according to what she says, if I move to Portland, she's going to try to move there to be with me.

I've never been in a monogamous relationship because I'm into open relationships, by the way. I tried to explain the idea of polyamory to her, and she understood it, and would go along with it, but she said it wasn't something that came to her naturally coming from a strict Catholic family.

So here's a strange twist to my tale. Strangely enough I just met this girl at my friend's house who I totally have a crush on and she's visitng here from Portland. She wants to take a road trip up there with me and show me the sights when we get there. She kind of seems like more the type I'm normally into than the girl I'm seeing right now too.

She's another fellow Gemini. We spent a few hours talking (in true Gemini fashion), and we're just into a lot of the same things.

I think maybe she's more the right kind of girl for me. I'm tempted to just run off with her and see the sights up north.

I don't know if the other girl would really follow me up there. She seems to think the money is better down here.

OK, now you're to the point where you are so not into this girl that you are having the Poly talk with her?
And, she is willing to give it a go?

I'm beginning to think you don't really want advice, you're just showing off.

RUN. Run like hell. No sane woman says "I love you" that fast. She's looking for a Daddy model, not a boyfriend.

So, let's recap;
A) hot stripper girl likes you
B) she wants to fuck 6 times a day
C) she offered to let you move in with her because you have financial difficulties

I think that covers everything.
So, my advice?
FUCK YOU!

But it's not really what she want. Ideally she wants me all to herself. I have a bad feeling about that.... People with much more experience with polyamory than me have told me that it's not a good idea to get in a relationship with someone young and inexperienced who really wants to be monogamous but just goes along with non-monogamy.

And keep in mind that this girl is demanding emotionally and in terms of time. She wants a lot of attention and open declarations of love and stuff that I'm kind of feeling smothered by....

And I don't want to move in with her. I really want to have my own place. I got burned really bad at the end of my last relationship when we were living together and broke up over household issues, and then and it wasn't possible at the time for me or her to move out, and the conflicts got worse, and things got really really bad on the living front.... I still carry those memories.

I'm also worried that she isn't really my type, that I just fell into this because she made all the first moves. She dresses kind of normal, doesn't do anything crazy with her hair, etc. She's into some of the music I'm into, and has the same sort of politics (anarchism), but isn't increadibly into that either.

Hey, other people wouldn't be saying, "run, run" if there wasn't some real situation here to give advice on.

I might add that I've never had to dump anyone in my life, so I don't have a very good idea about whether I would feel better continuing to see her or cutting it off -- no past experience there. I guess I chose very well in the past and never had to think about that before, but I'm wondering if I chose so well this time.

That girl I met from Portland wasn't some exception. Since then I've been noticing a bunch of girls who seem to be more my usual type than the one I'm seeing.... And really they wouldn't be so much to brag about (e.g. "some girl who dresses fetish style, listens to techno and likes to travel"). So is that a bad sign? Can something work with someone who isn't really my normal type, or am I discoverin some fundamental incompatibility here?

Can't I be in a situation that sounds fairy good on the surface but still have issues and need advice?