I'm engaged to an awesome chick. She's brilliant, beautiful, strong, and a firecracker to boot. She's highly organized and a perfectionist, making her an awesome counterpart to my wishy-washy artsy personality. The problem is that her will is so easily broken.
She has had a horrible childhood. She was forced to move to America when she was 8, and even though we met here, she hates it here. The moment she got here her father abandoned the family, and she grew up with a mother who (still) weeps all day and occasionally hints at suicide. As if that wasn't enough, my finance has been engaged to someone who abused her on several levels.
So now nothing inspires her. There will be days where she's the woman I fell in love with: whipsmart and full of wicked whimsy. But just when things start feeling cozy, she starts snapping at her friends, pushes me away, calls everything in her life a dismal failure, and retreats into depression.
I've tried suggesting therapy and all I get is fire breathed at me for suggesting she's weak. She was on meds for depression but they either make her gain weight or cost too much.
I lose my patience with her when she goes too far and insults me, but then I feel terrible because when I defend myself it sends her into a whirlwind of guilt.
I love my rebellious vixen, but I've lost full days just trying to console her for a chore she couldn't get done on time. One minute we'll be having a squirt-gun fight in the living room or giggling while picking out places to register for our wedding, the next she'll lay down and not move for hours only saying "I hate my fucking life". I could pass it off if it didn't feel like the weight of her words was nailing her to the furniture.
The ups and downs are making my own problems seem like a joke. We don't even talk about my problems anymore unless she's paranoid I'm keeping things from her and has started sulking.
I'm at a loss. I know I fall for the dark-hearted types, but I don't know if I've bitten off more than I can chew. And after years of being together, is it too late to dwell on this?
Tell her you two need to have a meeting or a talk. Set aside at least two hours for it and actually schedule it in. Make sure that nothing else will interrupt this. Tell her you'r going to support her and help her work through this, but you're getting tired of always being on the supportive end of the psychological spectrum.
it's funny that a real queston like this goes unnoticed but fakey stuff gets 23189749832472398 answers of "OMG IS THIS REALZ...GROSSSSS"
anyway
cronic depression and healing from major upheaval need some real brain help couch talk style.
you got cash? pay for it and it will get worse before it gets better, but her heart will thank you.
suggest therapy. she sounds like a wonderful person who maybe doesn't have space in her for all her pain and for her positivity. that sounded very stupid and cheesy coming from me. but seriously, therapy could help a lot.
Good for you, you caring soul... yeah she needs professional help, partly so you can get a break.
I knew a girl like this once, who, no offence to you or your situation totally played on her past and her shit life etc etc, to get attention and she loved the fact that her boyfriend doted on her every emotional whim, infact sometimes played on it. I am always wary of people who 'moan' about stuff and dont really make any effort to change their situation, like try and find a new job or seek professional help.
If she really cares about you and your relationship with her, she'll want to help herself. If shes afraid, I'm sure if she wants it, you'll be able to attend with her when she starts to see someone, if you want to maybe help get her started.
Or she gets therapy or as Nixon sayed, exit stage Left.
Its your future and your life first. Its amazing to see how supportive you have been, but if she doesnt want to recive help, its not your responsability, and you dont have to screw your life for a person that doesnt want to live better.
I know it sounds selfish, but ive been with a depresive person and its awfold. You can try to help her, but if she doesnt want to help herself, you cant do nothing.
Tell her that she needs therapy, that you cant hold on this situation any longer, and if she sayes a big no, well, step aside, you cant be the puchingball of your love.
she needs therapy, and possibly to go back on meds. there are often state programs that you can get on that help with the cost of meds, if that's the biggest problem.
you also, obviously, need to weigh this out. it sounds like there are two people in your fiance - one that you're in love with, and one that you aren't. without therapy/meds, and possibly even with them, the one you don't love will be the one you end up married to. it's a risk.
She sounds bipolar to me. I was in a serious relationship with a bipolar dude once and it was totally fucking miserable.
She needs therapy and medication. The biggest problem with this disorder, though, is that it's really super hard to regulate medications for it. Doctors will find something that works for someone for a couple of months, but then it quits helping and has to be changed up.
If you really love this girl, you need to get her the help she needs. But if she's unwilling to do what's best for herself, I'd say get out while the getting is good. Because it's not going to get any better unless she's willing to work on it.
this girl is full blown manic epressive, wren is right, Take it from someone who is herself bipolar as a mutha. But I take responsibility for my shit and ayres is right, if she can't so the same and admit she has a problem you are just going to give yourself a massive headache for the rest of your life.;
DebraJean
SUICIDEGIRL
Egypt
JAN 03, 2005 07:09 PM