NEWS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup #74

POLITICS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup #74

Now that you’ve crammed a shocking amount of turkey into your talky hole and visited with your delightful family, it’s time to get back to reality. Of course, I am referring to the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. You should know that because it’s the title of this article. The first Roundup was created to destroy the sweet afterglow of holiday cheer and it has continued to this day, 1796 years later. "Why?," you ask. But I don’t answer. Just accept it and shut your face. We shouldn’t question such things. This week’s collection of Asshole Fuckfaces is, as usual, heinous. So, put on your best velvet shower curtain because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some amazing corporate Asshole Fuckfacery.

Taneka Talley went to work at the Dollar Tree in Fairfield, California on March 29, 2006. That was apparently a huge mistake, because Asshole Fuckface extraordinaire Tommy Thompson had decided to kill the first black person he saw that day. It turned out to be Taneka. She was stabbed in the heart while working at the store and died. Now, Talley’s son is being raised by his grandmother and the Dollar Tree is trying to make it into the Asshole Fuckface hall of fame.

A personal relationship? Maybe he knew her from outside of work? Nope. Maybe they had a relationship online? Nope. Maybe they met at her job Nope. The personal relationship was actually not very intimate.

So, it was one of those "never met her in my life" personal relationships. Hopefully no one gets raped while working at the Dollar Tree, because that would mean they were attacked for having a vagina. The Asshole Fuckfaces at the Dollar Tree who made this decision are some of the most disgusting people on the face of the Earth. Hopefully they suffer horribly.

Next up, a little U.S. Asshole Fuckface stupidity.

Sikhism is the fifth largest religion in the world. It is based on the teachings of a dude named Nanak who was kicking around India in the fifteenth century. Many Sikhs wear turbans, which are an article of faith that represents honor, self-respect, courage, spirituality, and piety. Many also have kick-ass long beards, which means they look like the cartoon version of an Arab to ignorant Americans. Morons targeted many Sikhs after 9/11 in the U.S..

A couple of weeks ago, three popular Sikh musicians got on a US Airways flight in Sacramento, headed for Salt Lake City. That’s when the trouble started.

Well, that was decent of them. Surely there must be a reasonable explanation.

Oh, good. Well, the pilot saved all the other passengers from another U..S Sikh attack. Dear Asshole Fuckface pilot, try reading a book. They really are fun and knowing stuff doesn’t hurt.

Next up, some delightful Australian teenage Asshole Fuckfacery.

Five Australian teenagers were having a rough night. They were driving around in a Subaru, which had been impounded a couple of weeks ago for “hooning offenses.” (Hooning basically means driving like an asshole). As they rounded a corner, they collided with a van. The elderly couple in the van were severely injured.

Now what to do? You’ve just been involved in a terrible accident and the passengers in the other car appear to be in very bad shape. Well, you don’t do anything.

True, but it is hard to help on an empty stomach.

Maccas is McDonalds in Australia. They were in a car that had been impounded for hooning, then just happened to get in an accident in an area known for hooning, then they sat down and ate a meal while a couple in the other car hung on to life. That is some amazing Asshole Fuckfacery.

Oh, and the old man died.

Next up, Black Friday shopper Asshole Fuckfacery.

Obviously, I know how hard it is to stand outside of a Wal-Mart before the doors are open. We’ve all been there. Standing outside, salivating as we think of all the cheap, toxic-filled, Chinese products lining the shelves. The day after Thanksgiving was no different.

Thirty-four year old Jdimytai Damour of Queens was on the other side of the door. He was a temp worker hired by Wal-Mart (I guess to avoid paying the health insurance they don’t pay) to do maintenance work. I didn't work out so well when he opened the door.

If you are stampeding to get into Wal-Mart any day of the year, just kill yourself. You have reached a depth of sadness I can’t comprehend.

That’s about as horrible as it gets. Being a human being, I would have felt terrible that I had been a part of such a tragedy. Right?

First, I don't know what's worse - that you killed someone trying to get into a Wal-Mart or that you were lined up all of Thanksgiving Day outside of a Wal-Mart. Second, did anybody order McDonalds? I hear that’s what you’re supposed to do around dead people now.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

jesus, people suck.

There are Sikh terrorists too.

Therefore Sikh's shouldn't be allowed to fly on planes? Bigotry is bigotry.

i am crying on the inside.

Wow........ i read about the wal-mart incident in the paper,i could belive it but wow they destroyed multiple familie's lives and holidays just to save money and to get their gets the good x-mas presents

personally i think it is also the retailer's fault along with the shoppers,i work for reatil and for black friday the really "hot buys" in our adds we only get maybe 10-15 if were lucky but when you got 200+ people all trying to get it and who act like savages and people die because people needed a laptop gps or whatever it honestly leaves me disgusted.

That Wal-Mart incident...maybe I'm an asshole too for thinking this, but if they reacted that way when they told them to leave because they killed a man they all deserved to be locked in that place and gassed. I'm disgusted by all this

I would love to see last week's flyer from that Walmart, and ask myself how excited those bargains make me.. This might measure my humanity?

And there are Filipino terrorists too. I guess it'll be tough luck for you next time you try to board a plane.

and we wonder why every other country thinks we are assholes...The Wal-Mart thing just disgusts me to no end. I read about that online yesterday..I guess a pregnant woman was also injured at the same Wal-Mart. (I just looked at it again...and she miscarried )

And Filipino terrorists.
And Irish terrorists.
And Japanese terrorists
And Colombian terrorists.

see where I'm going with this ?

The pilot was a fucking moron and automatically assumed that the Sikh passengers were Muslims of some sort .

I smell litigation.

hmm maybe next time I fly somewhere I'll wear my hachimaki, see what happens...

I imagine there must be some more definitive indication of the hastening decline of the human race than 200 people trampling a fellow species member to death in order to be the first to purchase things they don't need with money they don't have, but for the life of me I can't figure out what it would be.

The happy cheer of the holidays happened at a Walmart here also. A lady and guy were eyeing the same parking spot, with the woman there first. The guy waits for her to get out of her car and as she is walking to the Walmart, he runs her over. She's living the last I heard but probably will use the internet next year.

The Times article about the LI Walmart also reported a girl fighting some guy over a TV in another Walmart in Ohio.

Apparently there was another incident at a Toys R Us in California. Two men shot each other in the toy store.

It's not sure why it happened yet, but I have to imagine the chaos in the store didn't help any.

a day is paid on the wild side.

The Walmart story kind of makes me feel better about not even leaving my bed (except for bathroom breaks) yesterday. I refuse to shop on black Friday. No deals are worth all the trouble.
And the Dollar Tree can just go to Hell. Seriously at least pretend to care about your employees and their families.

woah woah woah. hold it. freedom fighters.

Don't pretty much all Wal-Marts have security cameras? Can't they get IDs on at least a few people at the head of the crowd and charge them with involuntary manslaughter or something?

you mean like firefighters fight fire and crime fighters fight crime??

Apparently so. Personally, I hope they get IDs on every one of those people, but you know that won't happen.

yeah I wouldnt count on it, because to them these savages are paying customers, they wouldn't want their paying customers to get in trouble. They need their money.

People are just stupid these days. OMG @$ OFF EXPIRED TUNA!!!! If i was a Walmart worker next Black Friday Id carry a gun.

Later in the day they changed this. The pregnant lady and her baby are fine

I terrorize all you can eat taco bars.

...just wrote this huge blog on my hating Christmas and WalMart was in there. However, I didn't hear about this man dying, so I referenced another WalMart employee that was killed.

As my keyboard gently weeps...