NEWS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup #78

POLITICS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup #78

Well, here we are again. It is a new year and there are still Asshole Fuckfaces running around, doing horrible things to good people. I will continue to seek them out and drag them into the light for you to mock. It’s my job. I get paid in puppies. So, let’s kick off the New Year with some truly horrible Asshole Fuckfaces. Put on your best rubber tuxedo because this is going to be ugly.

First up, a little Democratic Asshole Fuckfacery.

Ah, Harry Reid –– maybe the best Republican in Congress. He’s an utterly useless piece of shit. This week pro-life Harry announced he would bar newly appointed Illinois Senator Roland Burris from the Senate –– with armed guards if necessary. See, Burris can’t be allowed to dirty the floor of the Senate because Asshole Fuckface extraordinaire Rod Blagojevich appointed him. Yes, Harry Reid has finally drawn a line in the sand.

He didn’t do it when Karl Rove and Harriet Miers refused to honor subpoenas. He didn’t do it when Bush nominated the insane right wing lunatic Samuel Alito to the Supreme Court. Warrantless wiretapping? No can do. Joe Lieberman turning a blind eye to Bush corruption as the Chairman of the Homeland Security Committee? Whatevs. Give Ted Stevens a standing ovation after he was convicted of 7 felonies? Hell yes.

Maybe before Reid draws this tough guy line, he should actually check with some law peeps to find out whether denying Burris is even legal. Many say it is not. Either way, Harry Reid wouldn’t know which battle to pick if one was raping his wife and another was making him a pie.

And there was more Burris appointment Asshole Fuckfacery.

It came immediately from Illinois Representative Bobby Rush. According to Bobby, Burris should be allowed to take the seat –– because he’s black.

Well, yeah. Let’s just fill that seat based on skin color. That’s an awesome way to run things.

Fuck yeah. Chill your shit out. Burris is black. How do you not get that? Please ignore the constant losing of elections he's been doing over the years and his advanced age. He's perfect.

Well, hello colorful and unnecessary language. But, yes, let’s not “lynch” the black guy. And let’s not forget what Rush had to say before Blago picked a black guy.

“Heinous.” Then suddenly, not heinous. Hey, what changed?

It’s really hard to chose who is worse in this situation, Reid or Rush. It’s like Burris is caught up in an Asshole Fuckface sandwich.

Next up, an Asshole Fuckface with a bottle.

The Democrats are chalk full of win this week. Incoming New York State Senator Hiram Monserrate is fresh off an election victory and looking forward to serving the good people of New York. Dude is a former Marine and served 12 years in the NYPD before getting a psychological disability pension. Uh oh.

But wait! He’s all good because he got rid of his Thetans! Yes, Monserrate is a scientologist.

So, he’s a Scientologist, and an ex-Marine and was a cop for 12 years. Totally normal. As is trying to remove your girlfriend’s face with a broken bottle.

Oh, man. You are totally not clear. You should head back down to the Scientology center to get rid of your Asshole Fuckfaceness.

Oh, and it was an "accident."

And finally, big, fat, sloppy Israeli Asshole Fuckfacing.

Well, the spectacular fail of the continuing Israeli attack on Gaza is truly something to watch. Nothing like seeing pictures of bloody, dead children to bring the world around to your side.

Yes, I know, Hamas has been shooting rockets they can’t aim at Israel and it is a fucked up situation. But the response isn’t exactly showing the world that Israel is better. Right now, Israel looks like a bigger, better-armed terrorist organization.

Let me see if I can get this straight: Hamas would kill any Israeli if they could, whether that Jew is a mother, father or child. So, an attack on Gaza is a good move, because now people all over the world are watching Israel kill mothers, fathers and children. And hey, that should really bring the Palestinians around. No, I totally get it. Hamas has said they will kill innocents, so you have to kill innocents to stop the killing of innocents. Look, I totally get it. It’s obviously a fool proof plan. I don’t know what could go wrong.

This should totally wrap everything up. Now Israeli’s can justify their attack because of Hamas’ intentions and Hamas supporters can justify their hatred because of the dead children and women. It’s a win win!

But let’s not forget the true fault lies with George Bush and Condoleezza Rice. They are the ones who pushed for elections in Palestine that put Hamas in control of Gaza. This is more George Bush Asshole Fuckfacery.

How surprising.

And good luck to Israel in their attempt to create more terrorists. It seems to be going well so far.



FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

May I just add that Burris has built his own mausoleum, etched with a list of his many accomplishments including being a "trailblazer": http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/12/31/burris.memorial/index.html

Who does this?

Sigh... just nuke the middle east and get it over with, its bound to happen any day now anyways, might as well do it now...


Btw that was sarcasm

I side with Israel though... They should just aim a little better

You know, sometimes you're funny, sometimes you're just ignorant, but mostly you're just so far biased that I can't even enjoy your attempts at humor. It's a shame

Wow. The old, "I Tripped and Slashed My Face on the Broken Bottle You Were Holding" act. Sounds legit.

^^ And yet you still read and post. ^^

I think the it was the boyscouts that came up with a way to untie people so they didn't have to read something online that they didn't like.

So, you mean you disagree with him so it's unfunny?

I mean, I get that, but are you suggesting he change his opinion in order to be funnier? Or show a more balanced view (in a commentary article) just for the sake of it?

I personally have to uncomfortably side with Israel just becuase I think that any other country would do the same in their situation. Not that I think it's doing much good.

Let's be honest here the best way out of a depression/recession whatever we are calling it these days, is a war. A real war. Not this bull shit in Iraq.

Take note of how the great depression ended back in the day.
HUGE war.GIGANTIC WORLD WAR.My point?
Yea, this Isreal bull shniztle may just enflame the entire world...It's pretty rediculous(unlike the last time these two exchanged nonesensical missiles and kidnapped each others peeps for a month about a year or two ago.)This is a war between two parties that has been going on for life. The world is over it. They are like two teenage boys fighting over a hot peice of ass, that happens to be a lesbian anyways. But it just keeps going and going anyways. Now it's just really immatutre, because they're getting "smarter" and killing innocent people. That pisses off all sorts of countries when babies and babies mamas get killed.
We could just end up in a full fledged nasty war again. But our economy may recoup!
And THAT is why Bush backed who he backed.
So he could get some shit started.

Let all the Palestinians with passports flee and kill all that remain. Seems like the plan with the constant escalation in air attacks and ground troops moving into Gaza. In most places that's called genocide. Palestine's Guernica? No, Palestine's annihilation.....that will show Hamas who's boss.

The rule about running with scissors evidently applies to glass bottles as well, which is inconvenient because I'm always in a hurry to recycle.

True, war ended the Great Depression, however, does that mean we have to get involved? No... and that all depends on the Obama administration, not the Bush administration, who is out the door in 17 glorious days. Take that great big war out of the equation and you have plenty of economists predicting the end of the American era and 2009 and 2010 being much much worse than 2008.... But the parallels - those are eerily similar - the crashes, the bubbles, the wealthy and their tax breaks, so hey, war could be the answer. Only time will tell on that one.

I hope you're being sarcastic with your suggestion.

well, it might not be an issue for some people if ftr didn't write every fucking news article these days, and if the quality didn't slip with every supportive comment he gets.

you do know, you, as a member, can actually submit something you think is newsworthy to the Newswire, rather than just sit around and bitch about it.

So write your own. It's easy to do. Go for it. Bring up the quality.

If Israel can exterminate every Palestinian then there will be no one to become a terrorist. So it's a win-win!

Or at least comment with something informative or, you know, relevant.

Just complaining that the writer sucks and his quality is slipping won't get us anywhere. Intelligent debate will.

Or at least has a chance to.

Because, quite frankly, anyone can say, "This sucks, I can do better." As a matter of fact, it seems on these here innerwebs, that's all we really get. It's something totally different to actually do it.

Intelligent debate? Yes. SG/CE debates? . . . . well, that might be another story

Um, no. Have a look at what "this bull shit in Iraq" has already cost. That's your tax dollars W is throwing away on a war he never needed to start. And the great thing about that is, it doesn't matter if there's an economic downturn! Because the troops have to be protected (even though they are in harm's way for no good reason)! So even more of your taxes go to pay for it.

i'm a filthy jew hitler didn't finish
worse than that, i'm a dreadfull israeli monster
i'm a left winger (but a zionist pig left winger) and i started this proccess by believing israel should get out as fast as she can, my family should move back to Poland and Israel should be eliminated.
BUT
when my city, Ashdod, started getting the shit bombed out of her i got it.
i live in fuckin' fear and now i'm exiled at my girlfriend's house in Tel-Aviv, fearing it'll get here.
before my cowardly escape i cried, i feared, i saw the corpse of a the dead woman and got it. Israel need to defend itself. maybe not like this but still, a few miles south life has been a living hell for many years, so we had enough. we retaliate. and my life is more imoportant to me than your opinion
iin israel we say "let's make matzah from this christian child", which can be infered "every coin has 2 sides"

Burris once sought the death penalty for a man who was known to be innocent. Fuck him.

LOL! Simply amazing post!

I call bullshit. That line is from anti-Israeli Egyptian movies.