NEWS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup #43

POLITICS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup #43

Welcome to the first ever Asshole Fuckface Roundup. It’s never been done before and I’m a bit nervous. I’ve scoured the week’s news and located the worst people on Earth. Now, I will unveil them for you to sneer at. How will it go? Who knows? Will the judged seek me out and murder me? Odds are high. Yet, I must do this, as God has chosen me. So, wrap yourself in a thick malleable polymer and let’s get started.

First up, the horrible Asshole Fuckfaces of the Himalayas.

In early May, the Olympic flame is scheduled to be carried to the top of Mount Everest. The poor Olympic flame has had a rough trip around the world. Everywhere the flame goes, protesters come out in force to convey their anger at China for the violent crackdown in Tibet. But Nepal has come up with a great way to halt any protests that may occur on Mount Everest: Just kill ‘em.

Well, that should do it. And may I add, that is some strong Olympic spirit.

They should use guys from the Chinese Double Trap Olympic team to kill the horrible protesters. That way, they can get some shooting practice while doing something awesome for their country.

Also, climbers cannot go above 6,400 meters between May 1st and May 10th. So, it’s a great time to climb nearly to the top of Everest, only to be stopped by armed Asshole Fuckfaces because some idiots want fire to make some empty achievement.

Next up, some horrible Asshole Fuckfacery happened in the Netherlands. Words cannot do this justice.



Dear Dutch people, why is everyone enjoying the creepy man licking and stroking that boy? Please let me know what might be too far and understand if I don’t take my son to Holland. And how jealous is Michael Jackson right now?

Next up, some Asshole Fuckface bondage.

A Tennessee couple was going through a rocky period in their marriage. Rebecca Bargy was stepping out on her man James. Over the past few months, she had engaged in several affairs and spent two nights last week screwing another dude in a hotel.

With a wife banging other dudes and spending nights away from home, it’s probably not too smart to let her tie you up and ball gag you.

Now that is domination. James died of asphyxiation. Now word on whether or not he came.

Rebecca claims it was an accident and that James requested to be bound and gagged and then left for 20 hours to enjoy the shit out of it. But Police believe Rebecca was screwing a man at a hotel while James slowly died. Although, she did stop in at one point to say hi to James. I’m sure that was a nice, tender moment.

It’s been a good week for gay hating Asshole Fuckfaces around the world.

It’s hard to pick who is the bigger Asshole Fuckface, Bahrain or Singapore.The hit Singapore home renovation show, Find and Design, ran into a little trouble this week when a homosexual couple was featured. The show included footage of the couple and their child living their normal lives. The Media Development Authority was not pleased.

Right. Please don't normalize the freaks. I guess he should have mocked them and maybe slapped them a few times during the renovation. Remind me not to visit Singapore.

The Asshole Fuckfacery in Bahrain makes Singapore look like San Francisco. The Bahrain Parliament has decided to do something about the country’s homosexual problem.

I believe that’s called a “witch hunt.” Some of the fun tactics will include a survey to determine how many gays and lesbians are running around Bahrain. That should be interesting.

Do you have a penis? Yes or No.

Do you like to rub your penis against other peni? Yes or no?

Have you ever had a buddy-to-buddy cock rub party? Yes or no?

The Parliament also demanded that the Interior Ministry ban all gay foreigners from getting residence permits. And there will be more surprise inspections of massage parlors and hair salons. The government believes those are the two places homosexuals hang out.

Word. I can’t get a haircut without falling into some dude's asshole.

Best of all, teachers will be trained to ferret out gay kids.

Well, I already spend 16 hours a day watching children for signs of homosexuality, so maybe I should go get a teaching job in Bahrain. Seriously though, if anyone sees a child playing hairdresser or sodomy, please tell the principal.

Finally, the first FearTheReaper video Asshole Fuckface story.



Consider yourself blessed.

FearTheReaper would like to congratulate all of this week’s Asshole Fuckfaces. You will each receive a bottle of FearTheReaper multi-vitamins.

First story just made me think . . . is there a Nepalese biathalon (skis and rifles) team? But then I rememebered that is a winter sport and this is the Summer Olympics.

Just say No to Beijing, I will not be watching the Summer Olympics this year. The Games' sponsors should get prepared for a downturn in business over those 2 weeks. That would be more effective than shouting at a phony "relay" where they extinguish and re-light the flame at will.

And how are they going to get that tour bus up the mountain, in case they have to duck into it like they have on several legs of the flame's journey? What will they do if one of the "runners" dies of hypoxia?

Send them all to an early shower, preferably golden.

I doubt I'll be watching much if any of the Summer Games, but not necessarily because of China's Asshole Fuckfacery. I'll not watch it because the Games in recent years have turned to shit. Here's your two weeks of tv programming:

- shoe commercial
- steroid scandal
- sports drink and/or supplement commercial
- montage
- judging controversy
- pro athletes doing something we watch them do 10 months out of the year on TV anyway
- smarmy commercial detailing how some company completely unrelated to sports helped athletes get to the games

wee.

That Dutch video is going to fucking haunt me. I had an easier time watching 2 girls 1 cup.

I think those penis thieves stole my penis. It's been missing for a while now.

Wow, Reaper you look a lot different than I imagined.

I'm not going to completely boycott the televised events . . . I mean, come on! Have you seen the uniforms for the women's beach volleyball teams?

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

I couldn't finish that video from the Netherlands. My gag relfex acted up roughy 20 seconds in.

coyotemike said:
I'm not going to completely boycott the televised events . . . I mean, come on! Have you seen the uniforms for the women's beach volleyball teams?

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

Blimey!

Yea what is the deal with that video? Is that shit for real???

Talk about odd. They need to send a penis thief to to the Netherlands. Maybe the UN could sponsor it as a refugee program from the Congo.

"IF NECESSARY"

Jeez, its a given that cops will shoot anyone anywhere, if its necessary to do so. people get shot by cops every nation every day when its necessary.

"All climbers setting out on Everest will also be searched for 'non-essential materials' and anti-Chinese stuff"

If you saw a budhist monk walking up a mountain with a high powered fan on his back and a manuscript entitled "my plan to blow out the torch" wouldnt you think he was up to something. and want to seize it?

You're cute.

coyotemike said:
I'm not going to completely boycott the televised events . . . I mean, come on! Have you seen the uniforms for the women's beach volleyball teams?

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

Okay, one exception then. But only if they play on Mt Everest where it's very nippley.

Singapore Home Show + duct tape bondage = Singapore Sling.

Dry-humping kids on TV or anywhere is definitely wrong. I hope this pervert ends up in a jail where frequent man-love will sort him out.

And now I think of it, he looks like a pudgey David Hasselhoff... ewwww.....

Hey dude - penis theft is REAL!

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

No seriously, thought, we had to be trained on this in my multicultural psychotherapy class.

BrisusCheez said:
Hey dude - penis theft is REAL!

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

No seriously, thought, we had to be trained on this in my multicultural psychotherapy class.

A real head-shrinker...

*laughs at the amount of Rebecca Bargy supporters probably lurking the board*

Penis shrinkage is caused by climate change.

*laughs at people whose trolling attempts are as laughably passive/aggressive as the above*

I am SO confused.

jesus fuck, that video is creepy. the one of that guy kissing the kid is pretty gross too. zing!

everything i've read about Singapore makes it seem like a place i would never ever want to visit. that said, everyone i've ever talked to who actually lives in Singapore seems fairly happy and well-adjusted and, y'know, not suffering too many neck cramps from having the gubmint boot stamping on their face.

and, shit. how is anybody in the US going to lecture Singapore on tolerance and open-mindedness when we've never had a president who wasn't an old white guy?

You look nothing like your profile pic.

1st roundup? I b confoozed....

in the interest of science, i tried to watch the NAMBLA commercial again. i made it to the part where the guy starts trying to rip the kid's clothes off with his mouth before running from the room shrieking.

i keep wanting to show it to my friends, like it's funny. but it's not funny. what the hell, man?