NEWS: Totally Cool To Kidnap Brits

POLITICS: Totally Cool To Kidnap Brits

Dear British people, from now on please think of Americans as aliens from outer space. It would be better if you did because we have decided to kidnap you whenever the fuck we want, much like an alien abduction. But it won’t be as bad as being abducted by aliens because there will not be an anal probe. (Although we cannot guarantee that.) Actually, scratch that. It will be worse than an alien abduction because they take you in the night, shove something up your nose, maybe take some sperm and usually close with an anal assault, but America will take you and throw you down a dark hole never to be seen again. That's just how we do things now.

Well, that should make the British eager to help us out in the “War on Terror.”

Right, never mind that the British are considered friends of ours. Thanks for helping out in Iraq and everything, but go fuck yourself. And sorry about that extradition treaty you signed with us but we’re going to pass.

Apparently we attempted to kidnap the nephew of a chap named Stanley Tollman, who is a former director of Chelsea Football Club. Both Tollman and his nephew are wanted for bank fraud and tax evasion. Now, I think anyone associated with Chelsea is a total douche bag but that does not mean they should be kidnapped. Or their nephew. We have been attempting to get Tollman through extradition hearings, you know, like a fucking civilized country. But I guess we also don’t have a problem snatching someone off the street, like the mafia.

The US legal representative explained our ridiculous position.

Sweet. Hey, when was slavery wrapped up? Oh, right, the 1860s. I’m going to go ahead and say that some laws from back in those days aren’t the best. What do you say we let this one die, boys?

sorry to bring up dog the bounty hunter here, but didn't you guys do this in mexico in recent years??? i know he was one of your own, but same difference right?

Yeah, that was an actual bounty hunter (who's still, to my knowledge, wanted for kidnapping in Mexico). This is the American government saying this, which is a good deal scarier than one loose white-trash cannon.

Of course, I suppose we set precedent with Noriega for similar violations of national sovereignty.

Are we actually that out of control?

You see, the supreme court sanctioned foreign kidnappings back in the 1860s, so it's all good. Let's all revert to 1860s law now, ok? There's nothing on the books about using Abspestos, so what the hell? Let's make rocking chairs for our grandmothers out of the stuff so they don't burn when they get too close to the fire with their knitting.
I'm so sick of this attitude that our government has these days with "you said it was ok!!" and doing all these absurd things because of semantics or 150 year old laws. "you only said that we couldn't test nuclear weapons anymore...that wasn't a test. We knew exactly what was going to happen to Tehran" is what I fear may be next...

Besides...my girlfriend has been kidnapping foreign citizens for years...I don't see what the big deal is .

The alien and sedition acts of old allowed that the president could deport foreigners, british or otherwise, in time of war or threat of national security. The founders were also very jumpy about immigration, and used legislative powers to restrict voting privileges of those new to the country to steer elections with those already firmly established in society. It's ambiguous as to how these people were to be captured, and so it's not surprising that a tradition of bounty hunters exists today.

The Alien and Sedition Acts are also generally regarded as unconstitutional (though they lapsed before Marbury v. Madison).

Doesn't everybody kidnap? I mean, even occasioanlly, just for kicks?

So at what age should laws no longer apply?

Hell, that pesky Bill of Rights is over two hundred years old!

Way ahead of you, sunshine. Been there since you re-elected Bush.

Not helping out would probably mean our entire country would be thrown down a dark deep hole, i.e. what's left of the Middle East when you nuke it.

God bless that friendly fire.

If it gets us out of there, I'm all for it.

My memory is hazy, but didn't you snatch someone out of Italy and shove them in Guantanamo? And if you can do it for terrorism, you can do it for fraud. After all, terrorism just kills people. Fraud might hurt businesses

No, seriously, are you actually surprised at this? Honestly? I mean, I know the actions of the United States Government are not necessarily (or even usually) representative of the writers or members of this website, but come on. In 1998, Eddie Izzard said the rest of the world was looking at America and saying "what are you doing?". Trouble is, now we know what you're doing. And it's fucking scary.

This isn't about deportation, though, right? Deportation means the *removal* of foreigners *from* the US (or wherever).

"Rendition" is a bit more serious - it means that the US govt. thinks it can, for instance, kidnap me here in London and remove me to the US or a third country if it feels like. Which would be a crime in British law, committed on British soil. I'm glad to see the British appeal court holding out here, cos normally our establishment just goes down on all fours and lubes up whenever US interests are involved. (This Tollmann guy was apparently a friend of M. Thatcher so it's hard to feel sorry for him, but there's a principle at stake here.)

This is fucking sad.

Oh dear. *sips tea*

(Disclaimer: I actually hardly ever drink tea.)

Anyway, it's not really new news, various Brits have been in Guantanamo over the years. Quite interesting to learn about the historical background in the 1860s, mind, it explains a bit.

Make Note: Don't get kidnapped.

Dear America
Please consider the kidnapping of Alex Ferguson and his band of merry men a matter of national security

Which came first, the tax evasion or the kidnapping? "Mr Tollman hasn't paid taxes for two years, come to think of it, he hasn't been seen for two years".

Yeah, it's not just going to be Suicide Girls members. Nowadays, the majority of us Americans (some 60-70%) don't agree with anything the government does.

Seems like, according to our government, the Bill of Rights doesn't apply anymore...

I would rather you don't kidnap me please

i tried to kidnap somebody once - she knew i was coming and kidnapped me! true story.
And in keeping on the same subject can america kidnap some of the rather annoying celebrities we have - too many to name - but start with everybody who's starred* (yeah right) in Big Brother, I'm A Celebrity, and ALL REALITY TV SHOWS! -

Then, the Beckams, the rest of the Spit Girls...Still thinking - Call later.

Also in 1893 the Supreme Court ruled that the tomato is a vegetable and not a fruit (Nix v. Hedden).

Actually, scientifically, it is a fruit.

^^^^
See this is the kind of nonsense that is gonna get you kidnapped...just go to the supermarket....forget what the scientists say...do they put the tomatoes with the apples ?....no.....with the bananas?...no...with the vegetables? ...err ....no...its usually in the salad section...

Dammit, and I was hoping that it was actually ok for me to kidnap the members of Client and give them...probes.

Can someone in Europe please kidnap me? I wanna go to Europe on vacation and it is damned expensive! Sans the whole trial and imprisonment thing of course...