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FearTheReaper

FearTheReaper

NEWSWIRE

I'm lost

DEC 01, 2007 03:10 AM



The Asshole Fuckface Roundup can be traced back to Rome in the year 222. Young Emperor Elagabalus was a crazed bisexual who enjoyed making prostitutes leave brothels, so he could be the only prostitute. He also encouraged a slave to beat him “as if he were his wife” and was pretty much an all around freak. Finally, his bodyguards cornered him in a bathroom. Elagabalus knew it was over and he yelled his final words, “I’m a total Asshole Fuckface.” He was then decapitated and his naked body was dragged through the streets. Sadly today, we cannot cut Asshole Fuckface's heads off and drag their bodies around. But I can track them down and drag them into the light, for you to behold their heinous acts. And that is just what I have done, so pull out your vinyl robes and sit your ass down, because this is not going to be pretty.

We start in the South, because someone is always being an Asshole Fuckface in the South.

Arkansas State Senator Denny Altes is one hell of a racist. It has been revealed that earlier this month he sent an email to Fort Smith Mayor Bill Vines that contained some fantastic quotes.


We are being out populated by the blacks.


Hmmm. Interesting statement from a politician. Maybe you could use that as your next campaign slogan, Denny. It has quite a ring to it. He added another gem.


We are being overrun by illegal immigrants.


Jesus. This is really getting bad. We are being out fucked and out bred by blacks and immigrants (Mexicans) are coming at us in hordes. This is a total disaster, please explain further.


But state Sen. Denny Altes insisted the comments in the e-mail he sent earlier this month to former Fort Smith Mayor Bill Vines were not racist.

I apologize and I am sorry if it hurt anyone's feelings. ... I'm sorry if it offended anyone, but I didn't consider it a racist remark.


Oh. Fine then. I don’t know how I could have come away with that impression. Let's take another look.


We are where we were with the black folks after the Revolutionary War. We can't send them back and the more we (anger them) the worse it will be in the future.... Sure we are being overrun but we are being out populated by the blacks also.


Yep, yer an Asshole Fuckface. Now go away forever, thanks.

It’s not often that I will label a woman seeking child support an
Asshole Fuckface, so today is a special day.

Dwayne Dail was convicted in 1989 of raping a 12-year-old girl in North Carolina. At the time his high school sweetheart was pregnant and she ended up crapping out a boy. Dail spent 18 years in prison before he was released in August after being cleared by DNA evidence. Poor dude was innocent.

Dail received $360,000 from the state for spending half his life in prison for a crime he did not commit. During that time he missed his son’s childhood and teenage years. Last month, his son Chris turned 18.

So, what to do if you are the mother and an Asshole Fuckface? Well, how about sue Dail for back child support? I mean, she did raise the boy alone because the deadbeat father was in prison for a rape he didn’t commit.

Dail asked the court to toss the lawsuit. The judge is considering his request.


A rage overcame Dail on Wednesday, an emotion he has managed to keep at bay in the three months he has been free. During the hearing, Dail blurted a sarcastic comment at Sarah Heekin, Lorraine Michaels' attorney. After the hearing, he broke down in tears as reporters pressed him on how he meant to spend the money the state owes him.


So, that is going well. How about the kid? He must feel great about all of this.


I don't know what to do. I love my mom; she's the only parent I had. I love my dad with all my heart. To have to pick a side -- it's stressed me ... out.


She must have been an awesome single parent.

Next up, a bunch of Asshole Fuckfaces are running around in Sudan.

British teacher Gillian Gibbons went to Sudan to educate children. Recently she was arrested because she allowed her seven-year-old students to
name a teddy bear Muhammad. Yep, you read that correctly. Apparently naming an animal or toy Muhammad is considered insulting.

On Sunday a jury convicted her of the horrible crime after eight hours of deliberation. And it was a just decision. She did not receive 40 lashes because she apologized to the court and instead was given a 15-day prison sentence. But that was not good enough for the crazy Muslim Asshole Fuckfaces around town.


Thousands of Sudanese, many armed with clubs and knives, rallied Friday in a central square and demanded the execution of a British teacher convicted of insulting Islam for allowing her students to name a teddy bear "Muhammad."


Yes, execution. For naming a teddy bear. They’ve got their priorities all worked out.


They called for Gibbons' execution, saying, "No tolerance: Execution," and "Kill her, kill her by firing squad."


Gibbons was moved to a secret location so the Asshole Fuckfaces would not harm her. She sent a message to the world through her son.


One of the things my mum said today was that 'I don't want any resentment towards Muslim people.


Yeah, right.

But can we in America really look down on those crazy Muslims when we have our own version of religious Asshole Fuckfaces?

Meet Janet Folger. She is the president of Faith2Action, a group that believes there is a cultural WAR on and encourages people to “take action.” Just to understand how out of touch with reality she is, you can read her book, “The Criminalization of Christianity.”

Last week Janet wrote and awesome article for WorldNetDaily, which is a complete and total piece of shit website designed to lie and create fear. The article is written in the form of a letter that will be written in the future. Apparently Janet will write this letter from prison.


Nov. 20, 2010

To the Resistance:

I'm writing this letter from prison, where I've been since the beginning of 2010. Since Hillary was elected in '08, Christian persecution in America has gotten even worse than we predicted.


Holy fucking shit, you are such an Asshole Fuckface that I don’t know what to do with myself.


Tragically, Hillary signed that most dangerous bill in America – ushering in the criminalization of Christianity. And now, even my book, "The Criminalization of Christianity," has been banned as "hate speech" just as I predicted when I wrote it back in 2005.


Nice plug. And what the fuck are you talking about?


When the "Employment Non-Discrimination Act" ("Thought Crimes" for the Workplace) became law, businesses and ministries were targeted by homosexual activists and were forced to close when they wouldn't comply with a law forcing them to hire those opposed to their beliefs on moral issues.


Oooo. Sounds scary. Did the homosexuals touch your knickers?


A homeschooling mom was assigned the cell next to me. I try to comfort her, but she cries constantly at the thought of her kids being raised in government foster care


She shouldn’t feel so bad. I watch the National Spelling Bee every year on ESPN and those kids are so socially retarded it is amazing. So, whatever the kid lost in smarts, he gained in being able to get laid before he dies. I’d rather be a total idiot who gets to have sex once in a while than a guy who can spell everything.

Next Janet lays out where things went wrong and it turns out to have been in the years 2007 and 2008. Go figure.


When the Christian and conservative leaders couldn't stop fighting over their candidate of compromise or their favorite "tier two" pick, we missed our last chance at victory – victory for children facing the abortionists' knife and victory for the institution foundational to our society – marriage.


Hey, any abortionist that uses a knife is a pretty shitty abortionist. Just a tip. Seriously, there are several techniques.

Janet then explains how we can avoid the Christian dungeon.


There was a tier-one candidate that stood for our goals of life and marriage – that man was Gov. Mike Huckabee. Had we nominated Huckabee to run against Hillary, the stark difference between the two would have brought voters out in droves. And we never would have seen the Supreme Court appointments of Charles Schumer and Diane Feinstein. If only there were a way to go back in time to change … I've gotta go. The guard spotted me writing again.


Well, thank fucking God he saw you because if you wrote anymore I was going to kill myself. And Janet, I don’t know if I got the right message from this letter, but I now want to have anal sex with you. I think that would be hot. Give me a call.

Congrats to all of this weeks winners! You each will receive a FearTheReaper beach towel!

Untimely

Untimely

Chicago, IL
January 2007

DEC 01, 2007 10:01 AM

I liked the rest of the article, but I'll have you know I've been laid at least two times since I was in the National Spelling Bee.

Zarth

zarth

Seattle, WA
December 2004

DEC 01, 2007 10:10 AM

Any article that namedrops Elagabalus is peachy in my book. He was the zaniest.

And now I'm thinking changing Xerxes's name to Muhammad.

sick

sick

Minneapolis, MN
June 2003

DEC 01, 2007 10:26 AM

We are where we were with the black folks after the Revolutionary War. We can't send them back and the more we (anger them) the worse it will be in the future.... Sure we are being overrun but we are being out populated by the blacks also.



Did he mean the Civil War, or as he would refer to it, the War of the Northern Aggression?

MrCrisp

MrCrisp

I'm lost
August 2004

DEC 01, 2007 10:39 AM

isn't muhammad possibly the most common name in the world? there are something like 15 million people in the world with the name, and everyone gets excited because kids gave the name to a stuffed toy? fucking people, what a bunch of bastards.

Coyotemike

Coyotemike

USA
May 2006

DEC 01, 2007 11:05 AM

MrCrisp said:
isn't muhammad possibly the most common name in the world? there are something like 15 million people in the world with the name, and everyone gets excited because kids gave the name to a stuffed toy? fucking people, what a bunch of bastards.



I was wondering about that too. From the news I heard, the kids chose to name the bear after one of their classmates.

Some people really need to lighten the fuck up!

Admiral_Pants

Admiral_Pants

Austin, TX
May 2004

DEC 01, 2007 11:08 AM

MrCrisp said:
isn't muhammad possibly the most common name in the world? there are something like 15 million people in the world with the name, and everyone gets excited because kids gave the name to a stuffed toy? fucking people, what a bunch of bastards.



I say they shoot the kids and call it good. After all, she didn't name the bear Muhammad.

Zarth

zarth

Seattle, WA
December 2004

DEC 01, 2007 11:12 AM

Admiral_Pants said:

MrCrisp said:
isn't muhammad possibly the most common name in the world? there are something like 15 million people in the world with the name, and everyone gets excited because kids gave the name to a stuffed toy? fucking people, what a bunch of bastards.


I say they shoot the kids and call it good. After all, she didn't name the bear Muhammad.


Good point. After all, we all know that if there's one thing God really hates, it's little kids making fun of his homies.

That's in the Bible somewhere.

windermere

windermere

Riverside, CA
October 2005

DEC 01, 2007 11:12 AM

Call me an Asshole Fuckface, but where I live, we ARE being over-run and out populated by the illegal and legal immigrants. You never see a white, black, or asian lady pushing a stroller down the street with 3 kids in tow, plus another bun in the oven.

Tiger_Fodder

Tiger_Fodder

Braintree, MA
June 2007

DEC 01, 2007 11:14 AM

Makes me wanna holler!

Bonaparte

Bonaparte

Eugene, OR
September 2006

DEC 01, 2007 11:19 AM



We start in the south, because someone is always being an Asshole Fuckface in the south.



*single tear*

Toku666

Toku666

Columbus, OH
May 2004

DEC 01, 2007 11:20 AM

Zarth said:
Good point. After all, we all know that if there's one thing God really hates, it's little kids making fun of his homies.

That's in the Bible somewhere.



Be fair, they were "young men." I could make some pithy joke about your own personal identification with the "victim" in that story, but I try to maintain at least a modicum of class around here. wink

...or I could just type in the nth misinterpretation of "suffer the little children."

Toku666

Toku666

Columbus, OH
May 2004

DEC 01, 2007 11:22 AM

windermere said:
Call me an Asshole Fuckface, but where I live, we ARE being over-run and out populated by the illegal and legal immigrants. You never see a white, black, or asian lady pushing a stroller down the street with 3 kids in tow, plus another bun in the oven.



Hm. So, would you characterize the use of "over-run" here as:

1) Merely racist
2) Merely paranoid
3) Merely ignorant without it also being 1) and/or 2)
4) All of the above

So what exactly are you worried about? Do you really think you won't have access to housing and resources because of the terrible scourge you are enduring?

Hey, windermere: You're an Asshole Fuckface.

Zarth

zarth

Seattle, WA
December 2004

DEC 01, 2007 11:24 AM

Toku666 said:

Zarth said:
Good point. After all, we all know that if there's one thing God really hates, it's little kids making fun of his homies.

That's in the Bible somewhere.


Be fair, they were "young men." I could make some pithy joke about your own personal identification with the "victim" in that story, but I try to maintain at least a modicum of class around here. wink

...or I could just type in the nth misinterpretation of "suffer the little children."


Wait, they allowed an infidel woman to teach young men? What kind of feminazi crap are they trying to push on the good people of Sudan? The whole government should be lined up and shot for permitting that to happen in the first place.

I'm pretty sure that's also in the Bible somewhere.

windermere

windermere

Riverside, CA
October 2005

DEC 01, 2007 11:25 AM

Toku666 said:
So what exactly are you worried about? Do you really think you won't have access to housing and resources because of the terrible scourge you are enduring?

Hey, windermere: You're an Asshole Fuckface.



Most places out here won't hire you if you don't speak "their" language. frown

They're like locusts. They've turned their own country into a shit-hole, so they keep moving North and are doing the same thing here.

Zarth

zarth

Seattle, WA
December 2004

DEC 01, 2007 11:28 AM

Oh, dear.

BoSsHoGg01

BoSsHoGg01

Woodbridge, VA
October 2007

DEC 01, 2007 11:28 AM

All that shit over a teddy bear....WTF over!

Drakyn

Drakyn

New Providence, NJ
September 2006

DEC 01, 2007 11:28 AM

windermere said:
Call me an Asshole Fuckface, but where I live, we ARE being over-run and out populated by the illegal and legal immigrants. You never see a white, black, or asian lady pushing a stroller down the street with 3 kids in tow, plus another bun in the oven.



Go to a Mall on a day with sales.

Also

windermere

windermere

Riverside, CA
October 2005

DEC 01, 2007 11:31 AM

Ha ha ha, that's a funny picture.

I don't care what race, color, creed, religion people are but they should NOT be having so damn many kids. I'm a firm believer in Zero Population Growth. We've already got 6 billion assholes on this planet, isn't that enough?

Besides, do Mormons really expect to be able to repopulate the planet after Armageddon? Well, I guess with 10+ kids in the family, they're well on their way.

Personally, I would NOT want to see a planet governed by the Osmond clan. tongue

Drakyn

Drakyn

New Providence, NJ
September 2006

DEC 01, 2007 11:36 AM

windermere said:
Ha ha ha, that's a funny picture.

I don't care what race, color, creed, religion people are but they should NOT be having so damn many kids. I'm a firm believer in Zero Population Growth. We've already got 6 billion assholes on this planet, isn't that enough?

Besides, do Mormons really expect to be able to repopulate the planet after Armageddon? Well, I guess with 10+ kids in the family, they're well on their way.

Personally, I would NOT want to see a planet governed by the Osmond clan. tongue



Well, as soon as we perfect terraforming I'm moving to Mars, or maybe Ganymede. Start my Own Society

SirPsychoSexy

SirPsychoSexy

Ridgewood, NJ
January 2004

DEC 01, 2007 11:41 AM

Drakyn said:

windermere said:
Ha ha ha, that's a funny picture.

I don't care what race, color, creed, religion people are but they should NOT be having so damn many kids. I'm a firm believer in Zero Population Growth. We've already got 6 billion assholes on this planet, isn't that enough?

Besides, do Mormons really expect to be able to repopulate the planet after Armageddon? Well, I guess with 10+ kids in the family, they're well on their way.

Personally, I would NOT want to see a planet governed by the Osmond clan. tongue



Well, as soon as we perfect terraforming I'm moving to Mars, or maybe Ganymede. Start my Own Society


With blackjack, and hookers!

Ferretbite

Ferretbite

Mexico
September 2006

DEC 01, 2007 11:43 AM

windermere said:
Most places out here won't hire you if you don't speak "their" language. frown

They're like locusts. They've turned their own country into a shit-hole, so they keep moving North and are doing the same thing here.



Thanks a lot for that, Asshole Fuckface (you granted permission to call you that), I am currently typing this from my own private mudhole in San Cagadero, Mexico, the equivalent of Bumfuck, USA.

Just so you know, it's not so much we "turned our own country into a shit-hole" and are plotting to take yours over, in fact most of those people were born in disgraceful living conditions, were sold the american dream by the example of others who lived it and figured if they can make ten times the money they make here in the US by picking oranges, they might as well try it.

They sometimes grow attached to a place where they feel they were given a chance the place they were born in denied them, so they try to bring the family to join them in some cases, in others they just send the money back so that their children may have a house, start a local business and attend school so that they won't have to go through the same shit. All of that in the same shit-hole country where they came from.

Are they breaking the law by entering the US illegally? Fuck yeah. Do they deserve to be hunted down like animals and insulted because of that? It depends largely on where you stand, if you are going to do that, it surely means you never drank alcohol before the legal age, never touched drugs, or engaged in any illicit activities, nor do you support a single company that employs them, because otherwise you're just being a prejudiced jerk. Or you might say that because they are human beings as well they deserve to be treated as such, but that is too much to ask sometimes.

Illegal aliens aren't suddenly moving up north, they have been there for a while, of course Lou Dobbs only recently is bringing attention to the problem to further push his "independent citizen" agenda, but New York has a vast latin american population, and this didn't happen overnight, they have been there for the longest time. Same applies to other states that aren't in the border, such as Georgia, North Carolina, Virginia, Washington, and so forth.



P.S. Locusts are a plague, they breed massively, and are improductive. Illegal aliens aren't there just sucking on America's golden teat, they work for the money they get.

Luddite

Luddite

Anderson, CA
December 2005

DEC 01, 2007 11:44 AM

windermere said:
Personally, I would NOT want to see a planet governed by the Osmond clan. tongue



Wouldn't be all bad, we'd have sing-alongs about everything

windermere

windermere

Riverside, CA
October 2005

DEC 01, 2007 11:48 AM

Luddite said:

windermere said:
Personally, I would NOT want to see a planet governed by the Osmond clan. tongue



Wouldn't be all bad, we'd have sing-alongs about everything



Yeah, but what about those TEETH? biggrin

MrCrisp

MrCrisp

I'm lost
August 2004

DEC 01, 2007 11:51 AM

Ferretbite said:

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

windermere said:
Most places out here won't hire you if you don't speak "their" language. frown

They're like locusts. They've turned their own country into a shit-hole, so they keep moving North and are doing the same thing here.



Thanks a lot for that, Asshole Fuckface (you granted permission to call you that), I am currently typing this from my own private mudhole in San Cagadero, Mexico, the equivalent of Bumfuck, USA.

Just so you know, it's not so much we "turned our own country into a shit-hole" and are plotting to take yours over, in fact most of those people were born in disgraceful living conditions, were sold the american dream by the example of others who lived it and figured if they can make ten times the money they make here in the US by picking oranges, they might as well try it.

They sometimes grow attached to a place where they feel they were given a chance the place they were born in denied them, so they try to bring the family to join them in some cases, in others they just send the money back so that their children may have a house, start a local business and attend school so that they won't have to go through the same shit. All of that in the same shit-hole country where they came from.

Are they breaking the law by entering the US illegally? Fuck yeah. Do they deserve to be hunted down like animals and insulted because of that? It depends largely on where you stand, if you are going to do that, it surely means you never drank alcohol before the legal age, never touched drugs, or engaged in any illicit activities, nor do you support a single company that employs them, because otherwise you're just being a prejudiced jerk. Or you might say that because they are human beings as well they deserve to be treated as such, but that is too much to ask sometimes.

Illegal aliens aren't suddenly moving up north, they have been there for a while, of course Lou Dobbs only recently is bringing attention to the problem to further push his "independent citizen" agenda, but New York has a vast latin american population, and this didn't happen overnight, they have been there for the longest time. Same applies to other states that aren't in the border, such as Georgia, North Carolina, Virginia, Washington, and so forth.



P.S. Locusts are a plague, they breed massively, and are improductive. Illegal aliens aren't there just sucking on America's golden teat, they work for the money they get.



you're pretty awesome.

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