NEWS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup #23

POLITICS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup #23

The Asshole Fuckface Roundup can be traced back to Rome in the year 222. Young Emperor Elagabalus was a crazed bisexual who enjoyed making prostitutes leave brothels, so he could be the only prostitute. He also encouraged a slave to beat him “as if he were his wife” and was pretty much an all around freak. Finally, his bodyguards cornered him in a bathroom. Elagabalus knew it was over and he yelled his final words, “I’m a total Asshole Fuckface.” He was then decapitated and his naked body was dragged through the streets. Sadly today, we cannot cut Asshole Fuckface's heads off and drag their bodies around. But I can track them down and drag them into the light, for you to behold their heinous acts. And that is just what I have done, so pull out your vinyl robes and sit your ass down, because this is not going to be pretty.

We start in the South, because someone is always being an Asshole Fuckface in the South.

Arkansas State Senator Denny Altes is one hell of a racist. It has been revealed that earlier this month he sent an email to Fort Smith Mayor Bill Vines that contained some fantastic quotes.

Hmmm. Interesting statement from a politician. Maybe you could use that as your next campaign slogan, Denny. It has quite a ring to it. He added another gem.

Jesus. This is really getting bad. We are being out fucked and out bred by blacks and immigrants (Mexicans) are coming at us in hordes. This is a total disaster, please explain further.

Oh. Fine then. I don’t know how I could have come away with that impression. Let's take another look.

Yep, yer an Asshole Fuckface. Now go away forever, thanks.

It’s not often that I will label a woman seeking child support an
Asshole Fuckface, so today is a special day.

Dwayne Dail was convicted in 1989 of raping a 12-year-old girl in North Carolina. At the time his high school sweetheart was pregnant and she ended up crapping out a boy. Dail spent 18 years in prison before he was released in August after being cleared by DNA evidence. Poor dude was innocent.

Dail received $360,000 from the state for spending half his life in prison for a crime he did not commit. During that time he missed his son’s childhood and teenage years. Last month, his son Chris turned 18.

So, what to do if you are the mother and an Asshole Fuckface? Well, how about sue Dail for back child support? I mean, she did raise the boy alone because the deadbeat father was in prison for a rape he didn’t commit.

Dail asked the court to toss the lawsuit. The judge is considering his request.

So, that is going well. How about the kid? He must feel great about all of this.

She must have been an awesome single parent.

Next up, a bunch of Asshole Fuckfaces are running around in Sudan.

British teacher Gillian Gibbons went to Sudan to educate children. Recently she was arrested because she allowed her seven-year-old students to
name a teddy bear Muhammad. Yep, you read that correctly. Apparently naming an animal or toy Muhammad is considered insulting.

On Sunday a jury convicted her of the horrible crime after eight hours of deliberation. And it was a just decision. She did not receive 40 lashes because she apologized to the court and instead was given a 15-day prison sentence. But that was not good enough for the crazy Muslim Asshole Fuckfaces around town.

Yes, execution. For naming a teddy bear. They’ve got their priorities all worked out.

Gibbons was moved to a secret location so the Asshole Fuckfaces would not harm her. She sent a message to the world through her son.

Yeah, right.

But can we in America really look down on those crazy Muslims when we have our own version of religious Asshole Fuckfaces?

Meet Janet Folger. She is the president of Faith2Action, a group that believes there is a cultural WAR on and encourages people to “take action.” Just to understand how out of touch with reality she is, you can read her book, “The Criminalization of Christianity.”

Last week Janet wrote and awesome article for WorldNetDaily, which is a complete and total piece of shit website designed to lie and create fear. The article is written in the form of a letter that will be written in the future. Apparently Janet will write this letter from prison.

Holy fucking shit, you are such an Asshole Fuckface that I don’t know what to do with myself.

Nice plug. And what the fuck are you talking about?

Oooo. Sounds scary. Did the homosexuals touch your knickers?

She shouldn’t feel so bad. I watch the National Spelling Bee every year on ESPN and those kids are so socially retarded it is amazing. So, whatever the kid lost in smarts, he gained in being able to get laid before he dies. I’d rather be a total idiot who gets to have sex once in a while than a guy who can spell everything.

Next Janet lays out where things went wrong and it turns out to have been in the years 2007 and 2008. Go figure.

Hey, any abortionist that uses a knife is a pretty shitty abortionist. Just a tip. Seriously, there are several techniques.

Janet then explains how we can avoid the Christian dungeon.

Well, thank fucking God he saw you because if you wrote anymore I was going to kill myself. And Janet, I don’t know if I got the right message from this letter, but I now want to have anal sex with you. I think that would be hot. Give me a call.

Congrats to all of this weeks winners! You each will receive a FearTheReaper beach towel!

I liked the rest of the article, but I'll have you know I've been laid at least two times since I was in the National Spelling Bee.

Any article that namedrops Elagabalus is peachy in my book. He was the zaniest.

And now I'm thinking changing Xerxes's name to Muhammad.

Did he mean the Civil War, or as he would refer to it, the War of the Northern Aggression?

isn't muhammad possibly the most common name in the world? there are something like 15 million people in the world with the name, and everyone gets excited because kids gave the name to a stuffed toy? fucking people, what a bunch of bastards.

I was wondering about that too. From the news I heard, the kids chose to name the bear after one of their classmates.

Some people really need to lighten the fuck up!

I say they shoot the kids and call it good. After all, she didn't name the bear Muhammad.

Good point. After all, we all know that if there's one thing God really hates, it's little kids making fun of his homies.

That's in the Bible somewhere.

Call me an Asshole Fuckface, but where I live, we ARE being over-run and out populated by the illegal and legal immigrants. You never see a white, black, or asian lady pushing a stroller down the street with 3 kids in tow, plus another bun in the oven.

Makes me wanna holler!

*single tear*

Be fair, they were "young men." I could make some pithy joke about your own personal identification with the "victim" in that story, but I try to maintain at least a modicum of class around here.

...or I could just type in the nth misinterpretation of "suffer the little children."

Hm. So, would you characterize the use of "over-run" here as:

1) Merely racist
2) Merely paranoid
3) Merely ignorant without it also being 1) and/or 2)
4) All of the above

So what exactly are you worried about? Do you really think you won't have access to housing and resources because of the terrible scourge you are enduring?

Hey, windermere: You're an Asshole Fuckface.

Wait, they allowed an infidel woman to teach young men? What kind of feminazi crap are they trying to push on the good people of Sudan? The whole government should be lined up and shot for permitting that to happen in the first place.

I'm pretty sure that's also in the Bible somewhere.

Most places out here won't hire you if you don't speak "their" language.

They're like locusts. They've turned their own country into a shit-hole, so they keep moving North and are doing the same thing here.

Oh, dear.

All that shit over a teddy bear....WTF over!

Go to a Mall on a day with sales.

Also

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

Ha ha ha, that's a funny picture.

I don't care what race, color, creed, religion people are but they should NOT be having so damn many kids. I'm a firm believer in Zero Population Growth. We've already got 6 billion assholes on this planet, isn't that enough?

Besides, do Mormons really expect to be able to repopulate the planet after Armageddon? Well, I guess with 10+ kids in the family, they're well on their way.

Personally, I would NOT want to see a planet governed by the Osmond clan.

Well, as soon as we perfect terraforming I'm moving to Mars, or maybe Ganymede. Start my Own Society

With blackjack, and hookers!

Thanks a lot for that, Asshole Fuckface (you granted permission to call you that), I am currently typing this from my own private mudhole in San Cagadero, Mexico, the equivalent of Bumfuck, USA.

Just so you know, it's not so much we "turned our own country into a shit-hole" and are plotting to take yours over, in fact most of those people were born in disgraceful living conditions, were sold the american dream by the example of others who lived it and figured if they can make ten times the money they make here in the US by picking oranges, they might as well try it.

They sometimes grow attached to a place where they feel they were given a chance the place they were born in denied them, so they try to bring the family to join them in some cases, in others they just send the money back so that their children may have a house, start a local business and attend school so that they won't have to go through the same shit. All of that in the same shit-hole country where they came from.

Are they breaking the law by entering the US illegally? Fuck yeah. Do they deserve to be hunted down like animals and insulted because of that? It depends largely on where you stand, if you are going to do that, it surely means you never drank alcohol before the legal age, never touched drugs, or engaged in any illicit activities, nor do you support a single company that employs them, because otherwise you're just being a prejudiced jerk. Or you might say that because they are human beings as well they deserve to be treated as such, but that is too much to ask sometimes.

Illegal aliens aren't suddenly moving up north, they have been there for a while, of course Lou Dobbs only recently is bringing attention to the problem to further push his "independent citizen" agenda, but New York has a vast latin american population, and this didn't happen overnight, they have been there for the longest time. Same applies to other states that aren't in the border, such as Georgia, North Carolina, Virginia, Washington, and so forth.



P.S. Locusts are a plague, they breed massively, and are improductive. Illegal aliens aren't there just sucking on America's golden teat, they work for the money they get.

Wouldn't be all bad, we'd have sing-alongs about everything

Yeah, but what about those TEETH?

you're pretty awesome.