NEWS: Wil Wheaton's Geek in Review: Turkey Stuffing

GEEK: Wil Wheaton's Geek in Review: Turkey Stuffing

My new book was reviewed on Slashdot yesterday, and while I was writing and reading comments, I noticed that the current Slashdot poll question is, simply put, “Best Star Trek?”

I was actually surprised that in all the years Slashdot has been bringing us news for nerds this is the first time this question has been asked, and when I went to vote for TNG, I remembered a story I liked to tell at conventions, back in the day.

In my first book, Dancing Barefoot, I wrote a story called The Saga of SpongeBob VegasPants (which, if nothing else, is a lesson to all you aspiring writers out there, and a reminder to the rest of us: put some fucking thought into your titles, guys, because if you don’t, you’ll be talking about The Saga of SpongeBob VegasPants for the rest of your life.) The story is about my experiences at a convention celebrating the 35th anniversary of the original Star Trek series. I’ve excerpted it for the GiR before, but I’ve never shared the particular story that the Slashdot poll brought to mind until today.

I’ll pick this story up while I’m on stage, giving my talk at the convention. Up until this point, thanks to a perfect storm of nerves, exhaustion, and being the last speaker of the day, I have absolutely sucked out loud. The audience has hated me, and some of them have walked out. I’m seriously thinking about doing us all a favor and just walking off the stage . . .

An experienced performer has a few jokes or stories that always get a good response. We call them “back pocket” material, and they are held in our minds for occasions like this. I decide to bring one of them out . . . but my mind draws a complete blank.

I have nothing, so I say, “Uh. Does anyone have any questions?”

I honestly expect someone to shout out, “How come you suck?” But nobody says anything.

I look at the crowd for a second, and I say with a smile, “Well then, I guess we're done here! Thanks a lot for coming, and have a great rest of the weekend!” I start to walk off stage, with every intention of continuing down the hall, and into the bar.

After a couple of steps, though, they all laugh. Hard.

What? That was funny? Okay, I'll take what I can get at this point. I relax a bit and begin to share my Star Trek memories. The crowd, which just moments ago was wishing their phasers were functional, warms up to me a little bit.

A woman dressed as Doctor Crusher stands up and says, “Say hello to your mother!”

“Okay . . .” I say, and turn to my real mom, Debbie, who is sitting on the opposite side of the theater. “Hey mom! Thanks for coming! Do I still suck?”

The whole room turns to find her.

“No. You're doing great, honey,” she says.

“Thanks, mom,” I say.

I call on a cute girl who wears a babydoll “Social Distortion” shirt.

“What was it like to kiss Ashley Judd?” she asks.

I smile broadly. “Come on up here, and I'll show you!”

Huge laugh. She stands up!

“Oh! No! I'm just kidding!” I hold up my hand, and point into my palm, “my ifeway isay inay the eaterthay!”

I glance at my wife. She's laughing and shaking her head, and she winks at me.

I feel good. They're laughing with me, and having a good time.

I call on an older man, who sits near the front, several bags of collectibles at his feet.

“Do you have a favorite episode of Voyager?” he asks.

“Well, The truth is, I've only watched Voyager a couple of times, and I really don't like it.”

There is a little bit of a gasp. Did Wesley just say he doesn't like Voyager?

I try to explain. “The episode was called Scorpion, and I watched it because my friend designed the monster that terrorized the crew for the entire episode.”

I hear angry sighs. People turn to talk to each other. Some of them leave.

What happened? All I said was that I don't like Voyager! What's the big deal? Lots of Trekkies don't like Voyager. Maybe I should have called it “V'ger.”

A guy waves his hand rather urgently, fingers spread in the Vulcan “Live long and prosper” salute. I point to him.

“What was your favorite episode of Deep Space Nine?”

“Well, the truth is, DS9 and Voyager just never appealed to me. The stories didn't interest me as much as the stories on Next Generation, or Classic Trek,” I say.

Big mistake. This is not what the fans want to hear. They want to hear how I love and care about these shows as much as they do, because that's exactly what they hear from the other actors. They get up on stage, and they give the fans exactly what they want.

Well, I don't do that. I tell them what it's truly like for me, warts and all. The truth is, sometimes being on Star Trek was the greatest thing in the world. Other times, it completely sucked. And, as blasphemous as this sounds, at the end of the day it was just a job.

But when all is said and done, I am still a fan at heart. I loved the original series. I am proud of the work I did on Next Generation. I cried when Spock died, and saw Star Trek IV in theaters six times.

I failed to mention all that, however. Without that information, it can piss people off that I don't have the same unconditional love for Star Trek that they do.

I look at my watch, and I have ten minutes left to fill. I have nothing to lose, so I reach into my back pocket . . . and find it filled with material.

“I have the limited edition Star Trek Monopoly game.” I say.

“Of course, it's a limited edition of 65 million. But it's extremely valuable, because I got a number under 21 million.”

They laugh. It's funny, because it's true.

I go one better. “Plus, it's got a certificate of authenticity signed by Captain Picard!

“Yes, that's right, my Star Trek Monopoly game, which I've rendered worthless by opening, comes with a certificate of authenticity signed in ink by a fictional character.”

I see a guy in the front row say something to his buddy, and they both nod their heads and laugh.

“Cool thing about the game, though, is that there is a Wesley Crusher game piece in it, and the first time we sat down to play it as a family, Ryan grabbed Wesley and proclaimed, as only an 11-year-old can, 'I'm Wil!! I'm Wil!! Nolan!! I'm all-time Wil!! I call it!!'”

I see some people smile. I start to pace the stage. I'm hitting my stride, and the stories flow out of me.

“One time, when we were renegotiating our contracts, we all asked for raises.

“We all felt a salary increase was appropriate, because The Next Generation was a hit. It was making gobs of money for Paramount, and we felt that we should share in that bounty.

“Of course, Paramount felt otherwise, so a long and annoying negotiation process began.

“During that process, the producers’ first counteroffer was that, in lieu of a raise, they would give my character a promotion, to lieutenant.”

I pause, and look around. I wrinkle my brow, and gaze upward.

“What? Were they serious?”

A fan hollers, “Yeah! Lieutenant Crusher! Woo!”

I smile back at him.

“My agent asked me what I wanted to do. I told him to call them back and remind them that Star Trek is just a television show.”

Okay, that was risky to say. It's pretty much the opposite of just a television show to a lot of these people, but I've gotten the audience back on my side, and they giggle.

“I imagined this phone call to the bank,” I mime a phone, and hold it to my ear. “Hi . . . Uh, I'm not going to be able to make my house payment this month, but don't worry! I am a lieutenant now.” I pause, listening to the voice on the other end.

“Where? Oh, on the Starship Enterprise.”

I pause.

“Enterprise D, yeah, the new one. Feel free to drop by Ten Forward for lunch someday. We'll put it on my officer's tab!”

Laughter, and applause. My time is up, and the promoter stands at the foot of the stage, politely letting me know that it's time for me to go.

The fans see this, and I pretend to not notice him.

“In 2001, startrek.com set up a poll to find out what fans thought the best Star Trek episode of all time was. The competition encompassed all the series. The nominated episode from Classic Trek was City On The Edge Of Forever. The entry for The Next Generation was Best of Both Worlds Part II. DS9 offered Trials and Tribble-ations, and Voyager weighed in with Scorpion II.”

As I name each show, various groups of people applaud and whistle, erasing any doubt as to what their favorite show is.

“Now, look. I know that Star Trek is just a TV show. Matter of fact, I'm pretty sure I just said that five minutes ago, but there was no way I was going to let my show lose. It just wasn't going to happen. Especially not to Voyager – er, V'ger, I mean.”

“So I went into my office, sat at my computer for 72 straight hours, and voted for TNG over and over again.”

The audience giggles.

“I didn't eat, and I didn't sleep. I just sat there, stinky in my own filth, clicking and hitting F5, a Howard Hughes for The Next Generation.

“Some time around the 71st hour, my wife realized that she hadn't seen me in awhile and started knocking on the door to see what I was doing.

“'Nothing! I'm, uh, working!' I shouted through the door. Click, Click, Click . . .

'I don't believe you! Tell me what you've been doing at the computer for so long!'

“I didn't want her to know what I was doing – I mean, it was terribly embarrassing . . . I had been sitting there, in crusty pajamas, voting in the Star Trek poll for three days.”

Some people make gagging noises, some people “eeww!” But it's all in good fun. They are really along for the ride, now. This is cool.

“She jiggled the handle, kicked at the bottom of the door, and it popped open!”

The audience gasps.

“I hurriedly shut down Mozilla, and spun around in my chair.

“'What have you been doing on this computer for three days, Wil?' she said.”

I look out across the audience, and pause dramatically. I lower my voice and confidentially say, “I was not about to admit the embarrassing truth, so I quickly said, 'I've been downloading porn, honey! Gigabytes of filthy, filthy, tentacled bukkake porn!'”

I have to stop, because the ballroom rocks with laughter. It's a genuine applause break!

“She was not amused. 'Tell me the truth,' she said.

“I sighed, and told her that I'd been stuffing the ballot box in an online Star Trek poll.

“'You are such a dork. I'd have been happier with the porn.'

“I brightened. 'Really?'

“'No,' she said. She set a plate of cold food on the desk and walked out, muttering something about nerds.

“I stayed in that office for another ten hours, just to be sure. When my eyes began to bleed, I finally walked away. It took several weeks of physical therapy before I could walk correctly again, but it was all worth it. Best of Both Worlds Part II won by a landslide.”

I pause dramatically, and the theater is silent.

“And it had nothing to do with my stuffing the box. It's because Next Generation FUCKING RULES!”

I throw my hand into the air, making the “devil horns” salute that adorns my satanic T-shirt, and the audience leaps to their feet, roaring with applause and laughter.

I can't believe it. I got them back. I say thank you, give the microphone to the promoter, who is now sitting on the stage pointedly checking his watch, and exit, stage left.

. . . for the record, I only voted once in this week’s Slashdot poll, and Next Generation is crushe(r)ing everyone else with 28788 votes. The closest is TOS, with 9107. As I said in 2001, it has nothing to do with my stuffing the box. It’s because Next Generation FUCKING RULES!

Wil Wheaton taught Karl Rove everything he knows about stuffing ballot boxes. Just kidding. Wil Wheaton hopes Karl Rove dies in a fire.

i always love reading these stories. i think i'll have to go out and buy every book you've written so far.

Agreed. Thank you for sharing these stories with us.

well done wil. classic stories and crusty pajamas rule.

Nerds.

FTW.

This is one of your best stories (so far). Wish I could have been in that audience :p

I am really looking forward to HDOOL (Proud member of the Wheaton 300 here ). If it's half as good as JAG I'll have to make another adjustment to my top 10 books list!

Love the con stories. There's great TV on these days, but I do miss Trek, and especially TNG: warts, Crushers and all.

-TTm

I loved it!

I love your stories so much!

Great story.

And yes, Voyager does suck.

TNG was obviously the better option ^-^

xx

That was much more fun than actually watching Star Trek...

ahaha that's great.
and duh, TNG fucking rules!

Fun story...good to hear some honesty (which take balls, as serious as some of those people are about Star Trek)...I always thought that DS9 and Voyager weren't that great myself...they just lacked the strong characters the first two had, I have always thought.
Next Generation was probably the best mix between good stories and good special effects- loved the movie "Generations"


Enterprise is kind of fun though

Nerves, exhaustion, the last speaker of the day...in addition to having played Wesley Crusher? You really started in the hole that day, didn't you. I'm glad you climbed your way out.

ugh. Generations had its moments, but i'm still bitter about the end. i can only assume that Worf forgot how to press buttons, because shields or no, the D should have blown that bird of prey away. i'm going to stop now before i go into a rather technical nerd rant, but damnit, that burns me. it took me a few years to warm up to the Galaxy design (i still think the A is the best looking), and just when i really started getting into the look of her, they blew her up.

Tell Paramount to get on the damn stick and give me ST:TNG on HD DVD already! I just picked up Season One of TOS tonight, but damn it-TNG FUCKING RULES!!!

Voyager did, indeed, suck!

nice story!

You know, having only watched one Star Trek movie (Wrath of Kahn) voluntarily I have to say, I was laughing through most of this. I'm quite the geek myself, and I have friends that get all wrapped up in Star Trek, and your story was enlightening and funny. I might have to watch some of those old episodes on G4 or SciFi so I can get some of the inside jokes.

Fucking RULES!

Nice one again!

I've never been to a Con, not many up here in Calgary, Canada. but in some alternative universe, I've done them all! BWAHAHAHAHAH! *Cough

I cant wait to read your new book. The firts two were fantastic! As always, good luck Will!

Hell yes, TNG rules! I don't really even count the shows after that. (Except Enterprise, because the Captain had a sweet ass Beagle).

THG rules!
Thanks for the story.

'Best of Both Worlds' was repeated on late-night BBC2 the other week. Part 1 one week, part 2 the next. Torture.

"Fire."

(credits)

Me: "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

:geek: