NEWS: Are You There, God? It’s Me, Ernie. I’ll See You in Court, Jerk

Mmm... Suing God turns me on.

Does this mean I can finally sue that cocksucker Santa Claus?? That asshole never brought me the jetpack I wanted.

I am suing the tooth fairy....damn bitch took my teeth and left me with only a quarter!

Interesting. Maybe he can get the tell the truth/god element out of the courtroom. I don't think that God's been keeping up the bargain...there's people lying all the time, and he's given them no grief for it.

Wow. That could be the most awesome thing I've heard all week. Fuck impeaching Bush, let's make God answer for trampling our constitutional rights!

actually, it's a 450 point electrical damage and 450 point holy damage lightning bolt.

as a Divine Rank 20+ deity, the Christian God does not need to roll to hit or roll damage; any attack made or spell cast is counts as a natural 20 was rolled to attack and deals maximum damage. also, all spells that the Christian God casts use any of the available metamagic feats that are applicable, including Deific Energy Admixture (allows the caster to deal an equal amount of elemental or holy/unholy damage, depending on his or her alignment)*, Deific Spell Shape (allows the caster to split or combine the rays, beams, cones, bursts, or magical blasts used by the spell into one single or multiple rays, beams, cones, bursts, or magical blasts as the please)*, and Deific WTFP0WN3D*.

so the encounter goes something like this:

Ernie Chamber's player: Ok, I walk out of the courthouse triumphant in my case and bask in the sunlight!
DM: actually, while you were inside, it appears the weather has taken a turn for the worst. *hands the Christian God's player the note he passed him a little bit ago back*
Ernie's player: what? dangit. and i was going to celebrate with an outdoor party, too. can't trust those blasted weathermen. *starts looking nervous*
God's player: may i get in my suprise round, now?
DM: yes, go ahead.
God's player: i cast Silent, Quickened, Still, Empowered, Divine Energy Admixture (Holy) Call Lightning that i used Divine Spell Shape to channel all ten of my regular lightning bolts into one single bolt. at Ernie. he takes 450 points of electrical damage and 450 points of holy damage (as the d6s turn into d10s due to the weather), reflex save DC... umm... well, my Wisdom modifier is infinite, so... uhh...
DM: two natural 20s in a row, i think.
God's player: ok. sounds fair.
Ernie's player: ...crap. i rolled a 1.
DM: Ernie, a giant, blazing, hallowed bolt of lightning shoots down out of the heavens... er... out of Heaven, and erases you from existence. only a charred spot on the pavement remains to show where you once stood.
Ernie: ...like Balefire erased from existence?
DM: the memory of you still lingers in the minds of the people of the world who know of your case, to serve as an example of what challenging the Almighty gets them.
Ernie's player: damnit, how come she gets to play a god?
DM: she does this thing with her tongue that...
Ernie's player: GAHH!!! SHUT UP, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT!

*: i made these feats up because Divine Rank 20+ deities can do pretty much whatever the hell they want, and it seemed appropriate. and because i'm bored as fuck,

Jeez man, way to cop out on the alliterations. I'm so disappointed.

holy crap, i missed that completely.

i would have gone with Enormous and Putrefying, myself.

This rocks. . . but. . . whose money is going into it?

Oh, and "innocent babes" and "infants" are listed seperately. Does that mean that "innocent babes" refers to hot virgins?

+1... but might I add, "and amuses me!"

exactly.. nuff said.

I did read somewhere that part of the reason behind this lawsuit is to make a point about frivolous lawsuits. I didn't read the article very carefully, so I sort of missed what that point was, but he had a point.

If somehow this suit does make it to court, then wouldn't that mean that the judicial system/government would be acknowledging the existence and authority of the christian god? Or whatever version of god he is trying to sue. This might raise a stink on the 'separation of church and state' front. Then maybe people from other religions will try to sue their version of god or gods in order to force the government to recognize their religion as truth.

Maybe I should prepare a lawsuit against the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Nothing big, just a minor lawsuit to force the guvment to recognize FSM's supremacy. I would use the settlement to build a mighty temple in FSM's honor. And buy some beer. FSM loves beer.

All in all, the whole thing makes me chuckle.

I am an FSM... although in my case it stands for Financial Services Manager.

I like yours better

+1

Whenever I see something like this I always start thinking about how truly wrong the picture people have of God in their heads. If such a being were to exist, anything about him would be almost completely unfathomable to us. Yes, we were supposedly created in his image, but how many of us can make a whole planet to go along with the child we just birthed? Something like this is completely contradictory to the idea of God. Theres a reason it's called "mans law," people, God plays by his own rules. Note: for that same reason, never bet with God. That never works out well.

Actually, if you believe that God made us that way, it's ultimately His fault.