NEWS: A Mighty Huckabee Rises

POLITICS: A Mighty Huckabee Rises

Yesterday, the powerful Ames Straw Poll was held in Iowa. There are many straw polls every year, but Ames is the big enchilada of straw polls. It was first held in 1979 and the winner has gone on to win the Republican nomination TWICE. The poll is not held during years in which a incumbent Republican president is running, which means it has only been held four times previously. So, two out of four winners have won the Republican nomination. That incredible ratio has led the media to take the Ames straw poll very seriously.

It is believed the poll shows the organizational skills of presidential campaigns. To vote in the poll, residents have to get to the town of Ames. Once there, they have to buy or somehow acquire a $35 dollar ticket and then hand it to a poll worker. So, campaigns buy a bunch of tickets and try to get people from all over the state to come to Ames. Campaigns pay recruiters to drum up support and then rent buses to transport them to Ames. If you take a moment to think about it, the entire scenario is pretty retarded, but not retarded enough to stop the Republicans.

This year Rudy Giuliani, Fred Thompson and John McCain decided not to take part in the straw poll. That left Mitt Romney as the only leading Republican candidate in the poll. Mitt basically had to kick ass in the poll, or he would end up looking like a total loser.

Being a Mormon, Romney was able to call on his massive family to give him a hand. Ninety-six members of the Romney tribe came to Iowa to help out with the poll. (Somebody in that family needs to learn how to use a rubber) Romney also rented more than 100 buses and spent millions of dollars. The result was that he ended up winning with 4,516 votes. That is a whopping 31.5%.Totally worth millions of dollars.

Other candidates also spent some money, but nowhere near the amount Romney blew through. Sam Brownback rented 51 buses, bought 3,000 tickets to hand out and spent $600,000. He ended up with 2,192 votes, or 15.3%. Tom Tancredo rented 20 buses, bought 2,400 tickets and bought many radio ads. He got 1,961 votes, or 13.7%. They came in 3rd and 4th, respectively. The man who came in second yesterday is the real story.

Mike Fucking Huckabee. Unlike the other candidates, he barely spent any money, only bought 1,850 tickets, did not run any ads and rented no buses. The Huck got 2,587 tickets, or 18.1% of the vote. That is 737 more tickets than he bought. All the other candidates purchased far more tickets than were eventually cast for them. That means Huckabee supporters found their own way to Ames, then either bought their own tickets or conned them from other candidates. Either way, it means that as of today, The Huck is a legitimate candidate.

Many liberal bloggers fear Huckabee as a candidate. So far, he has not caught fire. But the Huck is a Christian Right dream candidate. He is a Baptist Minister, opposed to abortion, gay marriage, civil-unions and he does not believe in evolution. Being a Christian, he also supports the death penalty, the Iraq War, the surge and the Patriot Act. Fear him.

Overall, the Ames Straw Poll was very bad news for Republicans. Eight years ago, 24,000 Republicans took part in the poll. This year that number tumbled to 14,000. That is a 42% drop. Note to Republicans: Nobody likes you anymore – not even you.

Now I have to write a “Fuck Huckabee” article. Sigh.

Sounds like someone doesn't Heart Huckabees.....

From a Liberal standpoint Huckabee should be a dream candidate. This is someone who is in the vein of the neo-cons. We should be able to kick his ass. Unfortunately, we don't have a good candidate to do that

i didnt even bother to read the whole article because it said "Basically Mitt Romney had to kick ass or he would look like a total loser" Well Thompson, Giuliani, and McCain dropped out of this staw poll because it was known that Romney was going to kick ass in Iowa. McCain is going to be dropping out of the race soon, due to lack of money, Thompson has yet to even declare himself yet, but people are morons to even like him, right now, because they dont know what his issues are....they just know him from Law & Order, for the most part. Giulliani on the other hand, I wonder how he is even running for the nomination, people from New York dont even like him, the American public know him from 9/11 but look at his term before that day, he sucked.

This is really a fundraising stunt for the Iowa GOP.
Huckabee does well in debates and is a reasonably good speaker on the stump, so he probably got a lot of the uncommitted people to vote for him. However, unless he raises some cash and puts together a campaign organization, he isn't going far. He's probably running for vice-president.
FTR, aren't you doing a "Fuck..." column for everyone running?

Yes, but I was hoping a couple of these turds, like Huckabee, would drop out. The Fuck series takes quite a bit of research. I'm writing for a TV show right now, so I don't have a lot of time to do that much research.

Fuckabee!

i am from arkansas, so...believe me, i can say from experiance:
you do not want mike huckabee as even a VP.
he fakes the fuck of self rightousness even better then clinton did.
that right there is scary.

Ah, godamnit!

Why is that if you have 96 family members.......someone needs to learn how to use use a rubber?

Mike Fucking Huckabee as he is called in this article......was my governor. Not the best, not the worst, but better than(Slick Willie) Clinton. At least he kept our state out debt for a while or should I say kept in in the black. He did ban smoking in most public places that cater to children (it always about the kiddies). We still pay taxes on food (groceries) during his term, and now only pay 3% grocery tax under a democrat ( Mike Beebe). There was nothing very special about his term(s) in Arkansas other than he was the first re-elected GOP Gov. in a long, long, long time......might have been the first ever? (didn't follow him that closely)!

beat me to it.. took all the gusto.. meh.. ill still say it.. fuckabee!

Would you care to tell us what, exactly, this means?

I hoped somebody else didn't understand it. I thought maybe it was code.

Also, I'm trying to figure out how a poll that essentially amounts to people funding the GOP (only 14,000 people in Iowa, for that matter) actually means anything.

Oh, and I found the fact that most of them bought more poll tickets than were used to be quite amusing.

There won't be a "Fuck Tommy Thompson", then, since he's out. I have trouble believing Duncan Hunter will stay in much longer either.

How bored is the media to cover this event?

An election to be bought and Romney still couldn't win.

Did they mention that most of Huckabee tickets were actually bought by agents for the Clinton/Obama cabal who keep the Dingleberry's, I mean Huckleberry's, I mean Huckabee's campaign going? Word...

By upping their profile. Makes some of them seem like legitimate candidates, when they aren't, etc.

"Note to Republicans: Nobody likes you anymore - not even you."

So true. The self-hating Republican is the hot new stereotype, and I should know. (Seriously, can I get that description as an option under the politics part of my profile?)

My question still stands.