NEWS: Republicans Are Fucked

POLITICS: Republicans Are Fucked

It’s official; the Republican presidential candidates are a disaster. A new AP poll found that Republicans chose “Other/None/Don’t Know” over the leading candidates. Mitt Romney, Rudy Giuliani, John McCain and new savior Fred Thompson all came in behind nothing.

The Republicans have created their own problems. Apparently, any candidate has to meet religious, economic and security standards that are nearly impossible. Oh, and he’s got to have the correct ideas for stopping those horrible immigrants. All of the candidates are greatly lacking on one area or the other. None have secured the support of the religious lunatic fringe. As the campaign drags on, Republicans are actually losing support.

Maybe they should keep their mouths shut and hide in a shack in the mountains. Seems like they would have a better chance because whatever they are doing is not working.

Giuliani has dropped from 35% in March to 21%. McCain’s campaign is in freefall, having lost many of his top campaign staffers and used up all of his money. Mitt Romney is plagued by past support for abortion rights and gay rights. Fred Thompson, also once supported abortion rights and was recently caught lying about his stance. Every candidate but Romney has been divorced, but Rudy leads the pack with three. However, Romney has the terrible problem of being from a crazy religion that Christians are not down with - which cancels out the perfect family life.

Meanwhile, Democrats are happy with their candidates.

The enthusiasm for Democrats and lack of love for Republicans is leading to a large cash advantage. From April to June, Democrats raised 30 million dollars more than Republicans. Candidates who raise the most money win the election. That’s how America works.

At this point, the only thing that would energize Republicans would be Hillary winning the Democratic nomination. If that occurred, Republican funding would surge. Barring that scenario, the Republicans are going to need a new candidate. Here’s what they are looking for:

A candidate who hates gays, loves fetuses, will stop immigrants at all cost, will bomb Iran, Syria, and North Korea, keep troops in Iraq forever, will lower taxes more, pardon George Bush, is a good Christian, hates universal health care, carries an AK47, hates Muslims, loves the CIA and people who out their agents, wants to invade Cuba, will torture their mother if necessary, will commit voter fraud, will privatize Social Security, will privatize roads, will privatize air, will privatize cats, not allow stem cell research, lower the minimum wage and have the courage to murder our forests.

Shouldn’t be hard to find that guy.

Did you know that abt 20% of Barack Obama's presidential campaign funds have come from registered republicans? As democrats swung to Reagan in the 80's, some relatively sane republicans are swinging for Barack, tho they might take issue with my phrase...

He stands a really good chance of winning, IMAO.

anyone who wants to privatize cats gets my vote.

Chuck Norris?

Ted Nugent?

I totally can't wait to get back to having a mediocre President instead of this shit-tastic void of leadership we have now.

Maybe congress will actually get something done.

...maybe.

you know, the reason why republicans are fucked, which they should be fucked all the time, is that they want a conservative, close-minded, ignorant, one religion country. Sounds familiar don't it? Think of Iran when you read that statement. They want the same things. Republicans don't want freedom of speech/religion/of the press, or for anyone to be individuals. they want control. they want everyone to be the same just like them. they are so stupid, there shouldn't even be a republican party. why would anyone in their right mind want to vote for someone who is going to take your freedoms away? why? why? why? republicans don't want freedom of choice when it comes to abortion. they don't want gay rights. they don't want religious freedom. they want to spend more money trying to change another country than trying to change our country. we need help getting our country back to being free. yes, i am democrat. hardcore. i believe in doing things legally (as where bush wants things done illegally and then tries to get away with it). Just like that Libby character. He got sentenced for committing a federal crime. but noooooooo, bush steps in says he shouldn't do his time and bails him out. fuck head. any criminal charged, convicted and then sentenced should do the time regardless of what status they have. ok, i'm done.

Mike Huckabee actually fits the model more than any of the others, but has the unfortunate character flaw of being crazy as loon. I havn't been this happy about politics since Bob Dole compared himself to the Brooklyn Dodgers.

I'd totally vote for Bizzaro-That Guy.

I think that the republican votes are going to get split between a Libertarian candidate and "Jesus" as a write-in.

Chuck Nugent?

Personally, I find all the candidates from both parties rather disappointing. So, before much longer I expect FTR to have done a "Fuck..." piece on every one of them.

Here we have a democrat speaking for what a republican wants in a president. I think what you just said right now is half the problem in our country. I am a republican and all I want is a safe place to raise my kids, god forbid I have any, a stable economy, the national debt being paid off, religious freedom, equal rights across the board for all minorities. Our boarders secured, health care revamped and our education system fixed, thats it. The crap that you were spewing is just as bad as what comes out of Ann Koulters mouth, it is not the democrats verse the republicans. As a matter of fact that mind set is what is fucking our country up even further. Arrgh why can't we all get along.

That's utterly bizarre just because he's really a pretty strong Democrat.

Although I agree with the majority of what you said keep in mind democrats have been guilty of those same atrocities in one way or another. Any censorship law, PC law, or vice law does not promote freedom and democrats are famous for supporting them. Clinton (as well as most presidents) has a note worthy track record of pardons, in some case's involving party affiliates found guilty of bank fraud, obstruction of justice, sexual assault, child pornography, mail fraud, ect. A change will be nice but I'm not convinced that any of the candidates care more about the people than they do their party.

Not really, when you consider how much Hilary Clinton is despised by Republicans - many will gladly help a different Democrat win to stop her. Also, while Obama has a fairly liberal philosophy, he's also a consensus builder who's willing to reach across the aisle, which is pretty rare. That probably appeals to a lot of moderate Republicans.

The problem that the Repuglies face is that, to win in 2000 (well, sorta) and 2004, they had to put together coalitions of micro-interest groups. Each of which has come to realize that the current administration addresses the needs of only one interest group: the insiders.

The result is that we now have candidates being torn in all directions as the contort themselves to appeal to groups who are in inherent conflict with other groups in the party. What we have here is a wingnut feeding frenzy and it is eating the Repuglies alive.

I love it. It's like watching one of those old Tarzan movies where on of the cargo barers steps into the river and a few seconds later a skeleton pops up.

Here I am, standing by river, cheering for the skeleton.

i'm one of them.

sadly, they will find many possible fellas for the job

He has nothing on Ted Norris! Ted Norris is everything that Chuck Nugent is and more! Ted Norris 08 all the way!

I agree completely with aldoushuxley. I happen to be a Republican who voted Democrat in the last election, and will most likely vote Democrat in this one. It shouldn't be Republican vs. Democrat..it should be whomever the voter feels is best for the position. Stop labeling...that is the major thing wrong with this country. Republicans are not the anti-christ just because we're more conservative. Believe it or not most of us want the same things you want.

This just in:

Ron Paul would like everyone to know that he is at least 5% of "Other"...

Aside from the immigration thing it almost sounds like they want to reelect Bush...

Remember the polls 3 years ago, that showed an overwhelming support for any democrat running against George W Bush that prompted the majority of America to declare a victory by Democrats in the Presidential race imminent?
Yeah Polls are a load of Garbage