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FearTheReaper

FearTheReaper

NEWSWIRE

I'm lost

JUL 14, 2007 01:59 AM



Hey, kids! It’s Saturday and you know what that means: It's time for another Asshole Fuckface Roundup! There are an enormous amount of assholes in the world but only a few make the cut and land up on the FearTheReaper's Asshole Fuckface Roundup. Here are this week's winners:

We’re going to start in the lovely state of North Carolina, where Republican State Representative David Almond Jr. got a little crazy with his cock.

David was serving his second term in the North Carolina General Assembly and had introduced many important bills, such as the Duty To Report Child Porn bill, the Up Penalties/Sex Offenses With Child Victim bill and the Sex Offender GPS/DOC Requests bill. Everything seemed to be going great until last week, when he apparently

Exposed himself in front of a female employee and chased her around the room yelling "Suck it, baby, suck it."


The 63 year old woman filed a complaint. I’d like to file a complaint just for making me think about an old man chasing an old lady around with his dick out. Almond Jr. was asked to resign by his fellow Republicans “if the allegations were true.” Almond Jr. then cleaned out his desk and left. Why? Because he’s a Southern gentleman and that is what a gentleman does after chasing a lady around an office with his cock out. You could learn a little something from Mr. Almond, you Yankee fucks.

Our next Asshole Fuckface is an entire commission!

The Nuclear Regulatory Commission is trying to kill us by being lame at their job. If their plan succeeds, terrorists will be able to murder us with dirty bombs.

Undercover Congressional investigators set up a bogus company and obtained a license from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission in March that would have allowed them to buy the radioactive materials needed for a so-called dirty bomb.

The bomb the investigators could have built would not have caused widespread damage or even high- level contamination. But it still could have had serious consequences, particularly economic ones, in any city where it was set off.


Okay, so they couldn’t kill us, but they could fuck up any plan you had of going to Quiznos or Starbucks or McDonalds. And considering our economy is now a service based economy, that means we would be totally fucked. And really hungry.

Our next Asshole Fuckface is a Democrat serving in some place called Congress.

House Judiciary Committee Chairman John Conyers gets the nod this week for being a huge pussy. His committee subpoenaed ex-White House counsel and Supreme Court reject, Harriet Miers. She was supposed to appear on Thursday. She decided to blow it off, which is illegal. She could have shown up and plead the fifth or claimed executive privilege but she chose to blatantly disregard the law. So, what did Conyers do? He warned her.

Miers, President Bush's former legal counsel who a day earlier defied a subpoena to appear before the House Judiciary Committee, could be held in criminal contempt of Congress if she fails to notify the panel by Tuesday that she has changed her mind and will appear, according to a letter sent to her attorney by Committee Chairman John Conyers, D-Mich.


Fuck you, Representative Giant Pussy. Grow some fucking ball and do your job. How long does the White House get to pull the same shit over and over before you pathetic chickenshits actually do something? The White House just told you to “fuck off” and how did you respond? “You have until next week to take it back.” Cowards. Do you expect Bush to suddenly become a different man this weekend? Does he have some sort of legal epiphany planned that we don’t know about? Or do you just not know how to play with the big boys?

You do not hesitate, you do not falter, you just show Bush you mean business and hold her in contempt. It is fucking simple. Unless you are weak, spineless Democrats, in which case you say, “I really mean it, seriously, don’t.” Your reputation is totally deserved. Good luck being weak.

Conyers is not the only Democratic Asshole Fuckface this week. I give you Hillary Clinton and John Edwards.

How long before the Democratic primaries begin? Seven months. The primaries then continue until June, 2008. So, why not start talking about eliminating the little guys in July?



First of all, have either of you idiots ever been around microphones before? Secondly, what a couple of Asshole Fuckfaces. The smaller candidates serve a purpose. They have supporters because they champion ideas that the major candidates don’t. (Except Joe Biden, who just helps credit card companies)

Edwards: "We should try to have a more serious and a smaller group."

Clinton: "We've got to cut the number" and "they're not serious."


By, “not serious,” they obviously mean “not enough money to be on the stage with us.” The minor players will drop out of the campaign as their money and support dries up. It happens ever year, they don’t have to be pushed out by two leading Asshole Fuckfaces.

FTR - Fighting for the little guy! (Kucinch is a piece of shit)

Our next Asshole Fuckface today is the US Army.

No, not the guys in the trenches, I’m pointing the finger at the Asshole Fuckfaces who make decisions. Specifically, the decision to dump this crap into the ocean.

"The Army now admits that it secretly dumped 64 million pounds of nerve and mustard agents into the sea, along with 400,000 chemical-filled bombs, land mines and rockets and more than 500 tons of radioactive waste - either tossed overboard or packed into the holds of scuttled vessels."


How bad can mustard gas be?

Mustard gas is a colorless, odorless liquid at room temperature and causes extreme blistering. Even slight exposure leads to deep, agonizing blisters that appear within four to 24 hours of contact. Exposure to more than 50 percent of the body's skin is usually fatal.


Oh, but nerve gas is pretty harmless, right?

The most deadly of chemical warfare agents, one drop of nerve gas can kill a person within a minute. Death comes through seizure.


Well, hell, the ocean is just a big toilet, right? I mean, you can’t flush it, but it’s pretty close. What could possibly go wrong?

Hundreds of dolphins washed ashore in Virginia and New Jersey shorelines in 1987 with burns similar to mustard gas exposure. One marine-mammal specialist suspects Army-dumped chemical weapons killed them.


Must have been great for those incredibly intelligent dolphins, who were just swimming around in water that suddenly seemed to turned to fire and burned them to death. I think every Asshole Fuckface involved in this decision should be sent to help out on the front lines with the surge in Iraq - sans guns.

And I’m sure that radioactive waste just disappeared. (Godzilla, anyone?)

Our last and most lazy Asshole Fuckface is the entire Iraqi parliament.

Those poor bastards have been getting almost nothing done and now they need a break. The lawmakers have decided to take the entire month of August off, which is sort of bad timing because the US has set military, political and economic benchmarks that need to be met by September. If the benchmarks are not met, Congress will stamp their feet and do nothing.

White House press secretary Tony Snow explained why the Iraqi parliament needs the month off.

"You know, it's 130 degrees in Baghdad in August," he said, sympathetically.


Those poor bastards. Could you imagine if they had to work through August, you know, like the US military? That would be so hard on them, debating and writing up bills. Our guys will have it easy, running around outside, enjoying the crisp summer air, dodging bullets and avoiding explosives, dying to give the Iraqi Congress time to do their job. When Tony Snow was reminded of this point, he had a great response.

"You know, that's a good point," Snow said. "And it's 130 degrees for the Iraqi military."



Wow. I think we just found another Asshole Fuckface. Way to close it out, Tony! Congrats to this weeks winners, you all get a free FearTheReaper headband!

mahogany

mahogany

I'm lost
May 2005

JUL 14, 2007 09:37 AM

FTR, I'd say I love you, but so often I hate you. But I loved this post. Nice work.

Conyers sold the "impeach Bush" line hard two years ago when I saw him. And now it's "toe, meet line."

Too bad.

And the US Army shit is just mind-boggling.

aldoushuxley

aldoushuxley

USA
November 2005

JUL 14, 2007 09:40 AM

Wow, this just gets more and more fucked up every day. frown

LostLucy

LostLucy

USA
December 2006

JUL 14, 2007 09:52 AM

two words: VOTE OBAMA!!!

meatymeatball

meatymeatball

Stone, KY
May 2007

JUL 14, 2007 10:18 AM

LostLucy said:
two words: VOTE OBAMA!!!



What she said!

Chainlink

Chainlink

Key West, FL
August 2005

JUL 14, 2007 10:20 AM


I hear the Iraqi Prime Minister said today that Americans can go home anytime we want. The Iraqi security forces are fiiiine.

source

Quirky

Quirky

Birmingham, AL
October 2005

JUL 14, 2007 10:26 AM

LostLucy said:
two words: VOTE OBAMA!!!



[citation needed]

xazapdmytinu

xazapdmytinu

Fort Collins, CO
July 2007

JUL 14, 2007 10:46 AM

_Poptard_ said:

LostLucy said:
two words: VOTE OBAMA!!!



[citation needed]



But he uses notes! mer...someone who can't keep every single thought about everything he has to say perfectly organized in his head clearly doesn't have the stone to be president!

Moderncutthroat

Moderncutthroat

Philadelphia, PA
May 2006

JUL 14, 2007 10:54 AM

skotfarkis said:

LostLucy said:
two words: VOTE OBAMA!!!



What she said!



Yes!

Moderncutthroat

Moderncutthroat

Philadelphia, PA
May 2006

JUL 14, 2007 10:56 AM

xazapdmytinu said:

_Poptard_ said:

LostLucy said:
two words: VOTE OBAMA!!!



[citation needed]



But he uses notes! mer...someone who can't keep every single thought about everything he has to say perfectly organized in his head clearly doesn't have the stone to be president!



You mean like our president can? He's got his thoughts lined out so perfectly in his head that he has the time to create new words! Which is an obvious sign of his intellect and not a serious lack in knowledge of grammar and spelling.

PogMoThoin

PogMoThoin

Jamaica, NY
January 2004

JUL 14, 2007 11:03 AM

You'd think with all of these Asshole Fuckfaces running our country we'd wake up and stop voting them in. I nominate the American voters for Asshole Fuckface-er-dom for being absolutely fucking politically blind.

Domo_Kun

Domo_Kun

Rockford, IL
March 2005

JUL 14, 2007 11:04 AM

LostLucy said:
two words: VOTE OBAMA!!!



Meh. I don't like his stance on gun control. I think I might end up writing in Cthulhu or voting for Ron Paul, depending on which ballot I pick up.

Nice work, FTR.

emotedcreations

emotedcreations

Germany
July 2006

JUL 14, 2007 11:26 AM

My vote is for the Dolphin killers that appalled me more than anything else, but they're all pretty bad.

HoneyBadger

HoneyBadger

USA
July 2006

JUL 14, 2007 11:46 AM

I wish I could be part of the Asshole FuckFace Roundup, mostly cause I want an FTR headband.

Gerry_D

Gerry_D

Los Angeles, CA
May 2003

JUL 14, 2007 12:35 PM

somebody recently shot some dolphins in San Diego too.

emotedcreations

emotedcreations

Germany
July 2006

JUL 14, 2007 12:44 PM

Gerry_D said:
somebody recently shot some dolphins in San Diego too.

Jesus Christ, sometimes I wonder about people.

Quirky

Quirky

Birmingham, AL
October 2005

JUL 14, 2007 01:12 PM

Gerry_D said:
somebody recently shot some dolphins in San Diego too.




Somebody????

xazapdmytinu

xazapdmytinu

Fort Collins, CO
July 2007

JUL 14, 2007 01:30 PM

moderncutthroat said:

xazapdmytinu said:

_Poptard_ said:

LostLucy said:
two words: VOTE OBAMA!!!



[citation needed]



But he uses notes! mer...someone who can't keep every single thought about everything he has to say perfectly organized in his head clearly doesn't have the stone to be president!



You mean like our president can? He's got his thoughts lined out so perfectly in his head that he has the time to create new words! Which is an obvious sign of his intellect and not a serious lack in knowledge of grammar and spelling.



why isn't there a sarcasm emoticon?

Varuka_Salt

Varuka_Salt

I'm lost
October 2006

JUL 14, 2007 02:14 PM

xazapdmytinu said:

moderncutthroat said:

xazapdmytinu said:

_Poptard_ said:

LostLucy said:
two words: VOTE OBAMA!!!



[citation needed]



But he uses notes! mer...someone who can't keep every single thought about everything he has to say perfectly organized in his head clearly doesn't have the stone to be president!



You mean like our president can? He's got his thoughts lined out so perfectly in his head that he has the time to create new words! Which is an obvious sign of his intellect and not a serious lack in knowledge of grammar and spelling.



why isn't there a sarcasm emoticon?



Claudette

Claudette

SUICIDEGIRL

I'm lost

JUL 14, 2007 02:48 PM

Thank you for making my day. Quite brilliant.

ASSH0LE

ASSH0LE

Las Vegas, NV
June 2003

JUL 14, 2007 03:07 PM

Domo_Kun said:

LostLucy said:
two words: VOTE OBAMA!!!



Meh. I don't like his stance on gun control. I think I might end up writing in Cthulhu or voting for Ron Paul, depending on which ballot I pick up.



Cool, the neighborly nazis over at Stormfront are on your side!

I should dig up that one Ron Paul video (that they didn't produce) where you can clearly hear a yokel yelling "White rights!" at the camera.

GRAK

GRAK

Iraq
February 2007

JUL 14, 2007 04:11 PM

That is seriously some of the funniest shit I have read in a long time!! biggrin It's reassuring to know that the Iraqi Parliament and Iraqi Army will be done with their vacation just in time for my units arrival in country! tongue

FearTheReaper

FearTheReaper

NEWSWIRE

I'm lost

JUL 14, 2007 04:21 PM

GRAK said:
That is seriously some of the funniest shit I have read in a long time!! biggrin It's reassuring to know that the Iraqi Parliament and Iraqi Army will be done with their vacation just in time for my units arrival in country! tongue



At least you have a sense of humor about it....

ASSH0LE

ASSH0LE

Las Vegas, NV
June 2003

JUL 14, 2007 04:23 PM

Here it is! Listen for the guy at about 2:59.


Oh the guy at 6:33 is a user on that forum, per a guy claiming to be him, anyways.

OhSoOrdinary

OhSoOrdinary

New York, NY
July 2006

JUL 14, 2007 06:06 PM

High Fucking Five, America.

High... fucking five...

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