Judge Roy Pearsons life has not been an easy one since a Korean dry cleaner lost his pants in 2005. He remembers that dark day like it was yesterday, or the day before, or a couple of days before that like it was really recent. See, Pearson was starting a new job as a judge and he brought five suits in for alteration. One of the suits came back without the trousers and in that moment, Judge Roy Pearson became a husk of a man, dead on the inside. He obviously had no choice but to sue the dry cleaner

Pearson has a great case. First of all, the Chung family had a sign hanging in their business that read, "Satisfaction Guaranteed." That was obviously bullshit. Right there, you are talking about $30 million. Secondly, the cleaners had another sign that claimed, Same Day Service. Really? Then where are Pearsons pants? Cha-ching, thats another $35 million, bitch.

The trial of Pearson v. Custom Cleaners began yesterday. Judge Pearson is suing for "willful and malicious conduct" and he started the proceedings off with a bang.

"Never before in recorded history have a group of defendants engaged in such misleading and unfair business practices.

Bam! Case closed, fuckface! It should be over, right? Well, it would be, if only the lady judge overseeing the case knew what fair meant. But the lady judge appears to have it out for our hero, Ron Pearson. Every time Pearson attempted to rightly claim that he was representing tens of thousands of people who have used Custom Cleaners, the lady judge shut him down.

From the start, Pearson kept referring to himself as "we," as if he were representing everyone in town. Bartnoff (lady judge) was having none of it: "Mr. Pearson, you are not a 'we.' You are an 'I.' "

Way to be "impartial," lady "judge." (quotations used to emphasize that she is not impartial or a judge.)

Pearson wasn't going to be shut down by an unprofessional judge. He kept the mojo going. Pearson found a witness so damning, that I couldnt possibly see how the Koreans would not be forced to depart with at least a few million dollars. I give you, Grace Hewell

A retired congressional staffer, said Jin Chung, Soo's husband, "chased me out of the store" when she complained that her suit pants "looked like they had been washed" and no longer fit properly. "At 89, I'm not ready to be chased," she said. "But I was in World War II as a WAC, so I think I can take care of myself. Having lived in Germany and knowing the people who were victims of the Nazis, I thought he was going to beat me up. I thought of what Hitler had done to thousands of Jews."

Fucking Nazis! First the Jews, then the pants, that is how it works! Wake the fuck up! Pearson is trying to save every American! And it has not been easy on him. During the trial today he was forced to relive the experience of not getting his pants back.

After questioning eight witnesses, Pearson spent two hours telling his own story, but as he came to the part about when Soo Chung finally told him she had found the missing pants, the tale of the $10.50 alteration that went awry proved to be too much.

"These are not my pants," Pearson recalled telling Chung when she handed him a pair of gray pants with cuffs. "I have in my adult life, with one exception, never worn pants with cuffs."

Im going to warn anyone with a weak stomach to stop reading here. Hide the kids, take a seat, and get yourself a scotch because this is not pretty.

"And she said, 'These are your pants.' "

Pearson paused. He struggled to breathe deeply. He could not continue. Pearson blurted a request for a break, stood up, turned around and walked out of the courtroom, tears dripping from his full and reddened eyes.

When he returned, he called that moment when Chung offered him the wrong pants "a Twilight Zone experience," and again, he welled up and had to halt the proceedings. Pearson wanted to submit the remainder of his testimony in writing, but Judge Bartnoff wouldn't hear of it.

How can you not feel for that guy? Fucking heartbreak. If there is any justice in the world, Judge Ron Pearson will be properly compensated for his sweet, sweet pants. Our justice system hangs in the balance. It is at a crossroads. Also, it is at a precipice.

emotedcreations

Germany

July 2006

JUN 13, 2007 12:54 AM

I heard about this on the radio today. When I heard the amount he was trying to sue for I burst out into maniacal laughter. The poor lady sitting in the car next to me in the parking lot thought I had lost my mind.

Oh yeah, you didn't mention how he had to take a 10 minute adjournment after breaking down in tears during his testimony. Give me a fucking break! This is about as ridiculous as the lady suing McDonald's cause her coffee was hot, and he's a judge. Have some fucking respect for the legal system...

leavemehere

San Diego, CA

December 2002

JUN 13, 2007 12:56 AM

Where is Judge Wapner when you need him?

joker_

Minneapolis, MN

October 2005

JUN 13, 2007 12:58 AM

I lost my pants once.