NEWS: Not Westside \'Till I Die

MUSIC: Not Westside 'Till I Die

Wow, my first column! I guess I should introduce myself. I'm a really big music fan and I'm disgusted by the pornography on this website. Also, I will never respond to your comments.



Did you know that Kanye West and 50 Cent both released albums last week? You probably did, considering the amount of media attention they received. I read about it in Wine Spectator. Public opinion about the head-to-head has been decidedly lopsided, with every single person on planet Earth on Kanye's side. Except me.



50's detractors have a standard litany of his crimes against rap. He can't rap. That's usually number one. Second, the man is an art-hating mercenary even when judged by the standards of the hip-hop industry. In every interview he gives, he blithely makes statements like "this song is directed at my target demo" (a group comprised of white teenagers and black recidivists) as if the creative process behind music were as soulless and mechanical as the creative process behind network television. Rap shouldn't be focus grouped, and if 50's is, his test audience should be checking the box marked "strongly disagree" next to the statement "This is good music." The man is a bully. He may have done us a favor by annihilating Ja Rule, but his subsequent contrived feuds with Fat Joe, Jadakiss, Game and Diddy were obvious retreads of a once-successful publicity ploy. (Having said that, he deserves some credit for his choices of legitimately intimidating adversaries, unlike his mentor Eminem, whose ascendancy to superstardom was fueled in part by threatening to murder Christina Aguilera and some squirrels.) Add to these charges his indefensible foisting of G-Unit upon the world, and you have the rare case of a mega-successful musician with no actual fans.



But I can't loathe the guy. I think this mostly has to do with my having read his memoir, From Pieces to Weight. If you have ever been threatened with death because your uncle stole some cocaine from a stash you sold to thugs, you should be allowed to disdain art and care solely for wealth. Actually, you should be allowed to do so regardless and we should dismantle the National Endowment for the Arts. I also happen to detest backpacker rap, and if you ignore 50's god-awful, metaphorical sex songs ("Candy Shop," "Amusement Park," and the yet-to-be-recorded "Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf of Fucking"), at least dude is gully. He delivers what I expect from the genre: amoral glorification of crime, and not repeated exhortations to "take it back to the old school!" Have you ever actually listened to the Sugar Hill Records box set? Good God. Among 50's several redeeming qualities is the fact that he's not Jurassic 5.



Kanye West, on the other hand, is the single most obnoxious participant in the modern day music industry, and yes, I am aware that Brooke Hogan has a record deal. This statement is not predicated on the man's egomania. There's arrogance, and then there's unrelenting crying over not having won a Grammy. Yes, a Grammy, the award presented to Steely Dan for "Best Album" in the year 2000. Steely Dan. Perhaps you've heard some of their hit piano rolls at your local nickelodeon. This year, he freaked out backstage after not having won an MTV Music Video Award. Did the enormity of the charge in the previous sentence escape you? Let me rephrase: this is a fully grown black man who threw a temper tantrum over not receiving an award invented in the early 80's for the sole purpose of convincing Kajagoogoo to fly from Bedfordshire to Manhattan. It is the equivalent of Tom Hanks complaining that he did not win an MTV Movie Award for "Most Dope Roundhouse Kick." I would not put it past the man to boycott the Kid's Choice Award for not being nominated in the category of "Silliest Cool Dude." He also happens to have an IQ of 40 and considers himself the smartest rapper alive.



He's right.



I also only like one song by him, and it's actually a Dilated Peoples song ("This Way"). His new single sucks. That Daft Punk sample was played out five minutes after Thomas and Guy-Man wrote it between bites of brie.



50 Cent has four good songs.



I'm not sure why I get so worked up about these things. I won't be purchasing albums by either.



I wonder who Zac Efron likes more?

Do they have an award for "most dope roundhouse kick?" If so, I would like to write in chuck norris for the episode of walker texas ranger where there are drug dealers.
also if I have to choose between Kanye and 50, it's Kanye all the way.
can I pick Mos Def?

Kanye deserves to win b/c his music is better (being the best rapper is like being the nicest Auschwitz guard) and 50 is... well... crap?

ps. disgusted? seriously?

This reminds me of when butt rock was all the rage, just before Nirvana came along and put an end to that shit.

Seriously...was there a point to this self indulgent tripe?

fire this ass now.

At least this guy is right about what I expect from rap music, "amoral glorification of crime." It's my favorite part, watching impoverished black people debase themselves to briefly advance financially in a culture that treats them like dogs. Or, if you consider Notorious BIG and Tupac, like Michael Vick's dogs.

You know we can easily solve over population and hunger in one fell stroke....

Im confused. I agree with some points here and there, but I dont see the big picture. Oh yeah, and the writer, im even more confused about... Im having trouble discerning between sarcasm and actual opinion, even in his/her profile. Regardless, reading this was largley a waste of my time, try harder next time.

They're both full of shit. That is an integral part of the grandiose circle jerk that is mainstream Hip Hop.

This is the only music review I have ever read that I've actually enjoyed. Ever.

Well, after this comment, I won't be paying any more attention to anything by this guy. Self-indulgent article preceded by a bizarre opening paragraph that I hope was a joke that was just plain flat (because otherwise, why the hell are you getting paid to write articles for this site?) Anyway, I'm done now.

speechless...

and not in a good way

i would have added this to my last comment, but it seems the latest update for firefox 2 has forgotten what a cascading style sheet is.

anyway, i remembered shortly after the previous post that i once fired off a music article to the newswire in elation that blink-182 had broken up.

needless to say, it never appeared on the wire, edited or otherwise, and no one else got anything published on the topic either.

anyway, i guess the point is that since when does a nondescript profile of a "music fan" (seriously, even people who listen to shit music are considered fans. let's get some credentials here) get published (and, i presume paid) especially given the general lack of substance and the fact that the topic is not only old, but already over-covered on this newswire?

if you want a sarcastic, cynical, acrimonious commentary on the state of mainstream music, i'd probably be better suited than someone who named their sn after a cheesy teeny-bopper softporny poster rag from the '70s.

seriously. what the hell is this shit?

Where's TheCoolerKing when you need him?

Soooooo....you're either trying to steal FearTheReaper's sarcasm schtick, or you're really that much of a jackass and don't even belong here.

Then again, this is what came up on your profile:

Way to go, sweetcheeks. Excellent form of endearing yourself to the possible readers of your "column."

Please tell me you're for real. Please. Christmas would come early for me.

-TM

Where's that thread about a n00b-hunting Group gone?

Really? I'm actually shocked at the reaction here. You didn't think this line was fucking hilarious?

Or this one?

I did...

Hah. Thank you, reverend. You are quite kind, however, I honestly enjoyed this.

How is it this gets shit on but Bitch PhD can toss off three lines on the shocking revelation that she's pro choice, link to an article someone else wrote, and nobody bats an eye?
Ahem... Would the winking emoticon soften that last part?

best comedy article of the year goes too...... it has too be. right.

my head hurts. that is what reading this did to me. I've often wished for a magic erase button which gives me back moments of my life. I really wish I had it now so i could feel that I had never read this.

Oh well, I learned something very valuable from this. Never read anything by this author again.

Pa, start diggin' some n00b holes.

-TM

Whole-heartedly seconded.

Where the fuck did this dude come from??? If you feel such "disgust for the pornography on this site," (which I hope to God is ill-attempted irony) why are you here?

PS... thefreak, I you.

Is this a belated april fools day prank?

I cant decide wether this guy is deapan serious or wether he thinks he's being funny. I also cant decide which scenerio disturbs me more...

If you were especially suited to provide sarcastic, cynical, acrimonious commentary, you probably wouldn't have to rely on emoticons.